15 actors who tried to sing… poorly

Every rock star thinks he can act and every actor thinks he should be a rock star. It makes a certain kind of sense – both require creativity and a hint of talent, or at least the ability to bullshit people into believing that you are creative or have a hint of talent, which is kind of a talent in itself. Occasionally – very occasionally – this fusion results in something good, or, at the very least, interesting. Most of the time, though, whenever an actor gets it in his head that he should be a rock star, the results are absolutely terrible. If you make it to the end of this list without slitting your wrists or stabbing your eardrum with an icepick, well, just imagine what it was like to write this. I listened to some of these songs multiple times. After all, I’m a professional. Anyway, without further ado, here are 15 actors who tried to sing. May God or Buddha or Patrick Swayze or whoever have mercy on them.

15 Russell Crowe
When Russell Crowe isn’t acting or throwing telephones at hotel clerks he spends his time pretending he’s a cheesy rock star, as evidenced by this lame video. It’s grainy and shitty looking so you know it’s authentic, just like Russell’s voice. I kind of wish Commodus would have won now.

14 Kevin Bacon
Yes, Kevin Bacon sings in a band with his brother, creatively named The Bacon Brothers. I’ve gotta be honest with you, I just listened to this song two or three times in a row trying to come up with something interesting to say about it and now all I want to do is burn down a bar. Oh, and also set my ears on fire.

13 Jamie Foxx
It’s not really surprising that Jamie Foxx would see himself as a musician given his performance in the movie Ray, and to his credit he manages to sing just like every other R & B singer who’s tried to sing in the last twenty years. Seriously, listen to this without actually watching the video and tell me that it’s Jamie Foxx and not one of a million other dudes. Also, DJ, just play that goddamn love song already so Jamie will shut up.

12 Jennifer Love Hewitt
Poor Jennifer Love Hewitt just wants to know how to deal. I want to know how to deal with the fact this goddamn song is stuck in my head. Honestly, it’s not awful for what it is. I’m just saying, I’ve heard worse. Don’t judge me! Also, she dances around in a tank-top which should have at least won her a Grammy nomination. After all, I understand that’s how Mother Teresa won the Noble Peace Prize.

11 Steven Seagal
Jesus Christ. Look, I’m a writer but sometimes words fail. Just watch and… listen. I do wonder how many of those backup singers he sexually harassed. I’m guessing somewhere between all of them and… all of them.

10 Bruce Willis
This is why people think that everyone was on cocaine in the ‘80s. I’m not saying that Bruce Willis was doing coke, but somebody had to have been to get this thing made, right? If this was the price we all had to pay in order to get Die Hard made then… well, I like John McClane as much as the next dude but some things just aren’t worth it.

9 Scarlett Johansson
Hey, Scarlett Johansson covers Tom Waits. Why not? What a world. Next, we’ll have Vanessa Hudgens singing a duet with Bob Dylan or something. Oh shit, I just gave someone a terrible idea.

8 Don Johnson
Oh man, check this shit out. Remember what I said about everyone being on coke in the ‘80s? Yeah. To his credit, Don does start out the song by saying “I don’t care what you say.” Touche, Crockett. Touche. I assume Tubbs’ album went straight to number one in, like, Angola.

7 Alyssa Milano
Alyssa Milano sounds like the female version of Dirk Diggler singing in Boogie Nights. Then again, the part where she just sings “La la la, la la la” over and over again is damn near poetry. Couldn’t Tony Danza have done something about this?

6 Eddie Murphy
Cocaine, ‘80s, etc. The best part of this video is, of course, the immortal Rick James pretending he’s a responsible producer and not just a maniac high off his ass. And then, of course, by the time the video is over, Rick damn near shoves Eddie out of the picture and takes the whole damn thing over. An awe-inspiring performance really. I can’t watch this without imagining Charlie Murphy hanging around the set and wondering what he and Rick got into during filming. Also, after seeing this, how did people not immediately guess what would happen to Eddie Murphy’s career?

5 Patrick Swayze
Like the man wasn’t already great enough. You geeks can have Chuck Norris. Patrick Swayze is my hero. RIP, sweet prince. I’m just going to sit here and enjoy this video. Oh man, dig that sax solo.

4 David Hasselhoff
You’ve all heard the jokes, now listen to the reality, which somehow makes the jokes seem understated. This is just… this is… look, I can’t explain this. I know it’s my job here but you might as well ask me to explain calculus to an orangutan. That would be easier. Just take it all in and if you need to pour acid into your ear canal afterward, I understand.

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3 William Shatner
Nobody rides that line between weird and cool like William Shatner and nothing hammers that point home more than Shatner singing “Rocket Man.” Shatner doesn’t so much sing as he just reaches into the soul of the music and strangles the shit out of it. This is the Shatner everyone does impressions of – including Shatner these days. You could mock this, or you could just sit back and marvel at it, which is what I choose to do. Do the right thing.

2 Joe Pesci
Here’s Joe Pesci rapping. Yeah. You will watch this 10 times today. I promise. Nothing more needs to be said, right?

1 Leonard Nimoy
Leonard Nimoy is cooler than you, me and everyone we collectively know. If a duet involving Nimoy and Shatner ever got out, the world would probably cave in on itself because what would be the point of even going on any further as a species? That would be the high point.

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