10 celebrities that could be serial killers
I am about to present to you 10 celebrities that could be serial killers. This is all in good fun. Well, fun for us. But if the celebs can’t take the joke, it just adds credence to my theories. But this is all parody and fantasy. The Guyism legal staff told me to write that. So in no particular order, 10 celebs that could be serial killers. But they really aren’t… or are they?
Photo credit: Pop Culture Geek, Flickr
10 Quentin Tarantino
The “Mr. Obvious” of this group. He talks like one, writes like one, makes many movies about killers and most of all, he just looks like one. And he enjoys it.
9 Russell Crowe
Dude has some serious anger issues. Don’t tell me Crowe as a mass killer hasn’t crossed your mind before. Look at this picture of him. The person he’s looking at in this photo? Already dead.
8 John Turturro
Turturro is such a good actor that he even made Mr. Deeds entertaining — well, at least the scenes he was in. He’s an underrated actor too. Also, he looks rather psycho, like he might recite Shakespeare whilst removing your body parts whilst your still alive. Did Shakespeare use ‘whilst’? I kind of like it.
7 Craig Robinson
Hey man, it’s Darryl from The Office. He was in Hot Tub Time Machine. Totally hilarious. Hosted Last Comic Standing. You didn’t know that show was still on? Me neither. Dude is so funny! Also, a viable candidate for a serial killer. Dig those eyes man. You just know he has a set of power tools dedicated for you-know-what.
6 Gary Busey
Do I really need to write something here?
5 Tom Cruise
Nobody laughs like that, man. Nobody laughs like that. He’s going to take you to some secret hideout, dress up in some Eyes Wide Shut robes and start laughing. I bet it’s at that time you begin to hear all the other cries from around the room.
4 Christian Bale
You may think I’m referring to his well-played role as the psychopathic Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. Nope, I’m referring to the real version of Bale, the one I envision repeatedly swinging a hatchet while intermittently yelling, “Oh goooood for yooooooou!!”
3 Matt Ross
Ross was also in American Psycho with Bale, but you may know him better as Alby Grant on HBO’s Big Love. There’s a reason Ross is cast in such roles. The reasons aren’t because he has bodies under his porch at home, but is because he looks like he does. He looks like he could pull off some Scanners mind-explosion stuff on you.
2 Mel Gibson
See: Busey, Gary.
1 Nic Cage
You wake up in a fog. Your vision is blurry and your head is pounding. You’re chained to a radiator in the corner of a room. Your tongue runs over the blood that’s caked on the corners of your mouth. You take a deep breath. Your vision clears. You look left. There’s Nic Cage smoking a cigarette, staring at you. He smiles.