9 celebrities you wouldn’t want to date your daughter
-
9 celebrities you wouldn’t want to date your daughter
Every father wants their daughter to end up with a good dude. Personally, I’m not a father (at least not that I know of) but I have gotten the ol’ side eye from enough fathers to know this is true. Dads are terrified that their little girl will end up with some degenerate douchebag and while I’m sure many would be fine with their daughters winding up in the arms of a rich and famous Prince Charming, there are a handful of famous dudes who would make most fathers reach for either the Maalox or the baseball bat if they found out they were dating their daughter. It is to these degenerates and douchebags that this list is devoted. They are nine celebrities you wouldn’t want to date your daughter.
Photo credit: YouTube/FX -Neil Bulson
Having problems viewing this? Click here to view this slideshow as one page. -
9 Chris Brown
This one should be pretty obvious. I mean, we’ve all seen the pictures of Rihanna looking like the Bride of Frankenstein after Chris moonwalked all over her face, right? Sure, your daughter would probably be fine as long as she didn’t make the grave mistake of, uh, looking at his phone, but one wrong glance and pretty soon Chris would be biting her and slamming her head in the car door. On the plus side, this would give you the justification to cave Chris Brown’s head in with a baseball bat and let’s face it, haven’t we all dreamed about doing that once or twice?
Having problems viewing this? Click here to view this slideshow as one page. -
8 Tom Cruise
Just look at any picture of Katie Holmes wandering around like some sort of zombie over the last five years if you’re wondering what Tom Cruise is doing on this list. Hell, when she finally filed for divorce everyone treated it like she was a POW who had finally escaped the death camps. That ought to tell you something. Look, no father wants their daughter to end up with a control freak and Tom Cruise is so controlling that he thinks he can move inanimate objects with his mind and telepathically control people’s thoughts. No, really, that’s reportedly part of his religion, which okay, sure that sounds pretty cool, sort of like being a Jedi, but let’s not forget how that most famous of Jedi relationships, that of Anakin Skywalker, ended. If you want your daughter to be choked out by Darth Tom while L. Ron Hubbard cackles in the background, then by all means, invite him over for dinner. Otherwise, I suggest moving your daughter to Tatooine.
Having problems viewing this? Click here to view this slideshow as one page. -
7 Charlie Sheen
At least Tom Cruise is just addicted to control. Charlie Sheen, on the other hand, is addicted to everything else, including insanity. Imagine Charlie Sheen showing up at your door, asking to date your daughter. I mean, come on, the man literally turned his home into a whorehouse. You’d be reaching for the baseball bat so fast you’d probably sprain something. Besides, nobody wants to tell their friends and coworkers that their daughter is dating someone who was involved in Two and a Half Men. A whorehouse is one thing, but that is just degrading.
Having problems viewing this? Click here to view this slideshow as one page. -
6 Justin Bieber
This one might seem a little weird since the Biebs seems like a pretty harmless kid, but you’ve got to look beyond his slight, non-threatening appearance. And when you do what do you see? A horde of wild-eyed girls who would tear your daughter apart if they thought for one second that she was getting between them and Teen Jesus. Seriously, forget about dating. Your daughter wouldn’t be able to leave the house without being carried away by a mob of vicious teenage girls. Hell, a mob of teenage girls is so terrifying that Genghis Khan would have fled from them in fear. They offer no quarter and they will not stop until pieces of your daughter’s soul are stuck in their braces. Plus, he’s Canadian and who knows what kind of sick mating rituals those barbarians engage in, all huddled in their igloos. Whatever it is, it would probably involve hockey sticks and maple syrup and your daughter is better than that. Probably.
Having problems viewing this? Click here to view this slideshow as one page. -
5 Mel Gibson
Yeah, we all love Lethal Weapon but would that really make up for the dude punching your grandchild in the midst of an epic screaming match with your daughter in which he demands that she blow him before he sets the house on fire? Or, as Mel Gibson calls it, an ordinary Tuesday. Seriously, there are rage issues and then there is whatever the hell is going on the horror show that is the brain of Mad Max here. His whole life is like an especially angry episode of Looney Tunes. You’d half expect to see him abandon your daughter to start chasing the Road Runner or something. Plus, you’d probably be forced to give him a blood sample so he could make sure your daughter wasn’t contaminated with any of that Jewish blood he seems to hate so much. On the plus side you’d, uh, I don’t know… get to meet Danny Glover? Yeah, there’s not really a plus side to your daughter dating Hollywood Hitler.
Having problems viewing this? Click here to view this slideshow as one page. -
4 The Situation
Jesus, this one kind of speaks for itself, doesn’t it? Just look at the picture. Good Lord. The best case scenario here is that you’d end up having to raise your daughter’s mutant strain of herpes after it gained sentience and ate her alive. And that’s the best case scenario. If you don’t believe me, just look at Snooki. What in the hell do you think she is?
Having problems viewing this? Click here to view this slideshow as one page. -
3 Mike Tyson
Overlooking for a moment the fact that Iron Mike, you know, raped a lady, there’s also the fact that, well, he’s completely insane. Oh, and that he used to beat the shit out of ex-wife Robin Givens. Also, HE RAPED A LADY. If Mike Tyson knocked on your door to ask your daughter out, you’d probably call the National Guard. Also, when I wrote that last sentence I originally wrote “If Mike Tyson knocked on your daughter… ” by mistake, which has to be a Freudian slip, right? I mean, that says it all right there. If Mike Tyson knocked on your daughter indeed. Also, you know what? Mike Tyson is a convicted rapist. That’s at least a little important, right?
Having problems viewing this? Click here to view this slideshow as one page. -
2 Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton is the only married dude on this list but I put him on anyway because, well, let’s face it, that’s never really stopped him before. Sure, it would be kind of cool if your daughter told you she was dating a former President of the United States but that would soon be outweighed by all your friends making cigar jokes and hanging blue dresses in your office. The problem isn’t so much Bill as it is that he’s so famous – and infamous – that any woman he even smiles at ends up becoming a punch-line. That’s not really fair to the women, but that’s the way this screwed-up world works. Plus, you’d run the risk of having an enraged Hillary Clinton attacking your daughter on the front lawn at two in the morning, a beleaguered and half-drunk Bill trying to separate them, while the neighbors gawked and dialed 911. There’s probably a 60% chance you’d end up on COPS. They are from Arkansas after all, you know.
Having problems viewing this? Click here to view this slideshow as one page. -
1 OJ Simpson
Uh, well… let’s just ask Nicole Brown Simpson what it’s like to be in a relationship with OJ. What’s that? No comment, Nicole? Oh, you’re dead? I see.
Having problems viewing this? Click here to view this slideshow as one page. -
How about another?
THAT’S IT FOR THIS ONE. HOW ABOUT ANOTHER?
GIFterpiece Theatre: Miranda Kerr cheating on Orlando Bloom
Must See Imagery: 22 hilarious Thursday photos
18 Tom Hanks quotes to make you feel better about yourself
Next
Previous


comment on this story
blog comments powered by Disqus