Just look at any picture of Katie Holmes wandering around like some sort of zombie over the last five years if you’re wondering what Tom Cruise is doing on this list. Hell, when she finally filed for divorce everyone treated it like she was a POW who had finally escaped the death camps. That ought to tell you something. Look, no father wants their daughter to end up with a control freak and Tom Cruise is so controlling that he thinks he can move inanimate objects with his mind and telepathically control people’s thoughts. No, really, that’s reportedly part of his religion, which okay, sure that sounds pretty cool, sort of like being a Jedi, but let’s not forget how that most famous of Jedi relationships, that of Anakin Skywalker, ended. If you want your daughter to be choked out by Darth Tom while L. Ron Hubbard cackles in the background, then by all means, invite him over for dinner. Otherwise, I suggest moving your daughter to Tatooine.

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This one might seem a little weird since the Biebs seems like a pretty harmless kid, but you’ve got to look beyond his slight, non-threatening appearance. And when you do what do you see? A horde of wild-eyed girls who would tear your daughter apart if they thought for one second that she was getting between them and Teen Jesus. Seriously, forget about dating. Your daughter wouldn’t be able to leave the house without being carried away by a mob of vicious teenage girls. Hell, a mob of teenage girls is so terrifying that Genghis Khan would have fled from them in fear. They offer no quarter and they will not stop until pieces of your daughter’s soul are stuck in their braces. Plus, he’s Canadian and who knows what kind of sick mating rituals those barbarians engage in, all huddled in their igloos. Whatever it is, it would probably involve hockey sticks and maple syrup and your daughter is better than that. Probably.

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Jesus, this one kind of speaks for itself, doesn’t it? Just look at the picture. Good Lord. The best case scenario here is that you’d end up having to raise your daughter’s mutant strain of herpes after it gained sentience and ate her alive. And that’s the best case scenario. If you don’t believe me, just look at Snooki. What in the hell do you think she is?

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Bill Clinton is the only married dude on this list but I put him on anyway because, well, let’s face it, that’s never really stopped him before. Sure, it would be kind of cool if your daughter told you she was dating a former President of the United States but that would soon be outweighed by all your friends making cigar jokes and hanging blue dresses in your office. The problem isn’t so much Bill as it is that he’s so famous – and infamous – that any woman he even smiles at ends up becoming a punch-line. That’s not really fair to the women, but that’s the way this screwed-up world works. Plus, you’d run the risk of having an enraged Hillary Clinton attacking your daughter on the front lawn at two in the morning, a beleaguered and half-drunk Bill trying to separate them, while the neighbors gawked and dialed 911. There’s probably a 60% chance you’d end up on COPS. They are from Arkansas after all, you know.

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