Men are horny animals. When it comes to affairs of the heart, the heart is actually only the second most powerful organ involved in the decision making process. (By the way, the brain is last.) Unfortunately, the penis doesn’t always provide wise counsel, and as a result man often finds himself standing by the side of the road with a half-empty suitcase, penniless, wondering where it all went wrong. Just witness the recent events surrounding Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino. Yes, the sad truth is that history is littered with cases such as Petrino’s, cases in which a man is betrayed by a boner, as the nine lovely ladies on this list all prove – like Petrino’s jumpoff, they ended up costing their men, everything from a shitload of money to life itself. They are each one-half of nine of the costliest love affairs in history.
9 of the costliest love affairs in history
9 Chris Evert
The Dude: Greg Norman
Australian superstar golfer Greg Norman married a flight attendant named Laura Andrassy in 1981. 25 years later, he decided to file for divorce. No big deal, right? Happens all the time. Yeah, about that… the problem was that Andrassy turned right around and told the world that Norman was having an affair with, of all people, Hall of Fame tennis player Chris Evert, who was also married. Oops. $103 million later, Greg Norman had his divorce. He then had to wait while Evert divorced her husband before they could openly be together, only to then have to sit quietly by while her ex-husband slammed him in the press and his ex-wife spent all of his money. But at least he and Evert get to spend the prime of their lives together. Wait, what’s that? They broke up already? Well, okay then. Money well spent, I guess. I mean, any time you can give away half your money and get your reputation savaged in the press in exchange for a few years of having sex with a woman in her fifties, you have to do it. Oh well, Greg, at least you have the memory of all those Masters victories to keep you warm at night. Oh wait, that’s right…
8 Daria Zhukova
The Dude: Roman Abramovich
In 1990, Russian businessman Roman Abramovich met, fell in love with, and married a beautiful flight attendant (I’m sensing a theme here…) named Irina. By 2007, Abramovich was one of the richest men in the world and hopelessly in love with a 25 year-old socialite named Daria Zhukova, so in love that he filed for divorce from wife Irina even though there was a chance that it would cost him as much as seven billion dollars. Yes, I said billion, with a b. In the end, somehow he managed to whittle his divorce settlement down to “only” $300 million. I mean, I suppose that’s just a drop in the bucket to Abramovich, but I don’t care how much money you have, $300 million is a ridiculous amount of money to spend just because you have a hard-on for a twenty-five year old. Then again, that would be like you or me dropping a couple of grand on a divorce, and *looks at picture* fair enough, Roman. Fair enough. I would say more but Abramovich is a Russian billionaire who literally has his own private army so, uh, if I disappear any time soon, call James Bond.
7 Too Many to Name
The Dude: Tiger Woods
You knew this fool would be on the list. After all, he not only blew his marriage with hot Swedish model Elin Nordegren and cost himself $750 million, he did it just because he couldn’t resist boning a parade of low-rent porn stars. Read that again: he traded Elin Nordegren (I used her picture and not one of Tiger’s jumpoffs because hers is the only picture that doesn’t make my junk start spontaneously itching and burning just by looking at it) AND $750 million for sex with a group of, ahem, ladies who would probably bone a hobo for $20 and a ride in his little pushcart. I’m not saying he could have done better… wait, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Tiger, look at me, man. You could have done better. Shit man, you already did do better. Now your ex-wife has more money than anyone in Sweden this side of Abba and you aren’t allowed within 50 feet of a strip club without your shock collar going off. To top it all off, you apparently now also suck at golf. Well done, dude. Well done.
6 Wendi Deng
The Dude: Rupert Murdoch
In 1967, Rupert Murdoch married one of his newspaper’s journalists, an Estonian named Anna Torv. (No, not the Fringe actress, although they are related – the elder Torv is her aunt, which hardly makes it surprising that she eventually landed the lead on a TV show on a network owned by Uncle Rupert.) After 31 years of marriage together, the two split up in 1998 after – wait for it – it was discovered that Murdoch was having an affair with an executive at Star TV, whatever the hell that is, named Wendi Deng. Thanks to his wandering penis, Murdoch was forced to shell out a package totaling about $1.8 billion in cash and assets. Well that’s what he gets for coming down with [redacted on the advice of Guyism attorneys for being both incredibly tasteless and vaguely racist]. The good news is that he’s still rich and a Monty Burns like avatar for greed and villainy, which is every young boy’s dream. The bad news is that now my phone probably just got hacked.
5 Monica Lewinsky
The Dude: Bill Clinton
Now we get to the fun part of the list. The dudes from 9-6 all just lost obscene amounts of money. Everyone else on this list lost something much, much worse. Or at least almost did, as is the case with Bill Clinton. Look, you all know the story. The only reason this isn’t higher on the list is because Bill managed to survive without being thrown out of office for getting blown in the oval office. Still, the man was impeached. He risked everything – I mean think about it, the dude risked the Presidency of the United States of America, only the most important position in the entire world – because he got a boner and couldn’t jerk-off like a regular, down to earth American. No, instead, he had to peek his head outside of his office and grab the first humanoid with lady parts he set his eyes upon. The result was a stained dress, Ken Starr writing book-length letters to Penthouse and partisan bitterness which only served to fuel the rocket ship of dumb noise which has drowned out any and every reasonable voice in Washington. But hey, at least the dude found a decent cigar holder.
4 Wallis Simpson
The Dude: King Edward VIII of England
In 1934, Edward, then the Prince of Wales, began an affair with a married American named Wallis Simpson. After ascending to the throne as King Edward VIII a couple of years later, she divorced her husband – who was already husband number two for her – and Edward proposed to her. Of course, the idea of a twice-divorced American peasant as their new queen didn’t sit too well with the English people and so in 1936, Edward was forced to pick between either his throne or the woman he loved. He picked the woman. Now, romantic as that may be to some people, the dude still gave up being a friggin’ king just because he had to get all up in a forty year old who, uh, well she wasn’t exactly drop dead gorgeous, let’s put it that way. I know that’s entirely superficial of me to say but, well, we’ve come this far and the Misogyny Train left the station somewhere around sentence two of this article so why stop now? Also, look, she’s shaking hands with Hitler in that picture so I don’t really feel that bad, you know? You would think this would be higher on the list because, again, the dude was forced to give up being king for this chick, but hey, at least no one died. Speaking of which…
The Dude: Marc Antony
Sure, Cleopatra was supposedly one of the most beautiful women of all time but Marc Antony was so into her that it eventually killed him. Now that’s what I call costly. Sure, sure, she wasn’t entirely to blame for his downfall but she played a pretty damn big part. She essentially encouraged his part in the Roman Civil War which led to not only his death but countless others and in the end, led to the onset of tyranny in Rome, as a line of Roman Emperors with absolute power took control. Plus, she gave Antony’s enemies a subtext for attacking him, as they denounced him for “going native” and leaving behind his Roman wife and family to bone a hot Egyptian chick. Would all this Roman civil strife have happened even if she didn’t exist? Probably. Okay, almost definitely. But she did exist, and what we do know is that when Marc Antony’s end came, it wasn’t at the sword of a Roman Legionnaire, it was at the mouth of an asp, next to Cleopatra, the woman he loved.
2 Helen of Troy
The Dude: Paris, Prince of Troy
Sure, Cleopatra may have played a part in the Roman Civil War and helped cause the death of her man, Marc Antony, but Helen of Troy caused an entire city to be destroyed. Because she abandoned her husband, Menelaus, King of Sparta (and if there’s one thing movies have taught us in recent years, it’s that you don’t fuck with Sparta) and ran off with Paris, the whole Mediterranean world went crazy, a thousand Greek ships set sail, a legion of mythological heroes ended up getting killed, Troy was conquered and destroyed and poor Odysseus ended up lost at sea for years. Now that’s a costly love affair. But at least it gave Homer something to write about and basically gave birth to Western literature. I mean, there is that. But don’t tell that to Achilles or Hector or Ajax or any of the other dudes who died because of her. Poor Hector had his corpse dragged by a horse. Nobody needs that.
The Dude: All of Them
A surprise number one? Sure. But think about it. All the dudes she’s with inevitably see their lives destroyed – The Situation ended up in rehab, Vinny had a nervous breakdown and her newest putz, Jionni Lavalle has to make peace with the fact that he’s the father of the Antichrist. Now, that’s some heavy shit to have to deal with. That basically makes him the Anti-Joseph. Since Joseph was a carpenter, a builder, I guess that makes Jionni Lavalle a destroyer, like Gozer in Ghostbusters, only slightly less masculine. But hey, that’s the price a man has to pay for daring to put his penis into the Temple of Doom known as Snooki’s vagina. There are bats in there, snakes, spiders and even little Asian kids riding around in carts while Indiana Jones fist fights with an Indian. It’s a terrible place, just terrible. And yet, Jionni Lavalle willingly entered it and as a result he has to deal with his fate and we have to deal with the fact that because of his sin against both man and God, his son will one day cause the destruction of the entire human race. And that is why Snooki is number one on this list.