There are some actors who are good at what they do, but they are one-trick ponies. They play the same type of part over and over. And over. Hey, good for them. Cash that check. But here we’re going to celebrate 10 actors with insane range. These actors can ]]>

There are some actors who are good at what they do, but they are one-trick ponies. They play the same type of part over and over. And over. Hey, good for them. Cash that check. But here we’re going to celebrate 10 actors with insane range. These actors can play almost any role. Seriously, we checked. Let’s begin.

10 John C. Reilly
The lovable John C. Reilly leads our list. Reilly can crack you up in roles like Dr. Steve Brule on Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job!, the hilarious Cam Naughton in Talladega Nights or Dale Doback in Step Brothers. But he can also play serious parts like he did in Magnolia, as the aloof cop trying to find his place in the world.



And the extent of his range doesn’t end with comedy and drama. Reilly was hilarious but also sang wonderfully in Walk Hard. He was nominated for a Grammy for his efforts there, and nominated for an Oscar for his work in Chicago. And of course, he dominated the Catalina Wine Mixer.



More Range: The Hours » Dark Water » Year of the Dog » The Aviator » Cyrus

9 Meryl Streep
Simply put, Streep will likely go down in history as the best actress of this generation. The list of roles that she has slayed could take up a whole Web site, let alone one article. She has been nominated a whopping 16 times for Oscars and has won the award twice. And she did it by being an actress that can playing a massive variety of roles. She started turning heads in films like The Deer Hunter, Silkwood and Kramer vs. Kramer. She showed grit in Out of Africa, Sophie’s Choice and The River Wild. And she even did guest stints on two of America’s beloved animated series: The Simpsons and King of the Hill. She’s the crown jewel of American actresses.



More Range: Doubt » Julie and Julia » Marvin’s Room » The Devil Wears Prada » It’s Complicated

8 Guy Pearce
Pearce burst onto the scene when he played Det. Edmund Exley in the film adaptation of James Ellroy’s L.A. Confidential. He followed that up with another amazing performance, this time in Christopher Nolan’s non-linear thriller, Memento. Most recently he played Kate Winslet’s husband in the HBO mini-series, Mildred Pierce. He’s also known for his turn as a drag queen in the cult classic, The Adventures of Priscilla, and for playing Andy Warhol in Factory Girl. He even appeared in a music video for the band Silverchair. The Aussie can play any type of character with any type of accent.



More Range: The Proposition » The King’s Speech » The Hurt Locker » The Count of Monte Cristo » Bedtime Stories

7 Idris Elba
Elba will probably be best known to Americans as the business savvy street thug Stringer Bell from The Wire, or from his stint as Charles Miner in The Office. He’s even played a single dad trying to get his kids back in a Tyler Perry film. Actually, that doesn’t make my point, as we have all been in one or more Tyler Perry films. But he also dominated the screen in Luther, the BBC series where Elba gets to play the flip of Stringer Bell — the crafty detective that is on a mission to crack cases. It doesn’t matter the accent or the role, Elba has mass range.



More Range: Thor » 28 Weeks Later » Obsessed » The Count of Monte Cristo » The Big C

6 Barry Pepper
No, not the guy from The Hangover. That’s Bradley Cooper and he’s not on this list. Barry Pepper might be the most underrated actor in Hollywood. He popped up on our screens in films like Saving Private Ryan and The Green Mile. Then he totally nailed the role of Roger Maris in 61* and by then he was on his way to an outstanding career. He should win awards for his portrayal of Bobby Kennedy in The Kennedys mini-series, and even played a killer cowboy in True Grit. He nailed the classic line from that film, yelling at Jeff Bridges, “I call that bold talk for a one-eyed fat man!” He did the original proud.



More Range: The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada » Flags of Our Fathers » Casino Jack » Like Dandelion Dust » Knockaround Guys

5 Marisa Tomei
Marisa Tomei is an American treasure. She’s drop dead gorgeous, sure, but she is also an amazing actress. There’s a reason George Costanza fell in love with her on Seinfeld, and we all fell in love with her in My Cousin Vinny.



But she also made your emotions crumble with her In the Bedroom role, broke your heart (and Mickey Rourke’s) in The Wrestler and made you wish you had a mother like her in Cyrus.



More Range: Happy Accidents » Danika » Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead » War Inc. » Factotum

4 Cate Blanchett
Blanchett has been nominated for 4 Oscars, and won for her amazing portrayal of Katherine Hepburn in The Aviator. She also wowed moviegoers as Queen Elizabeth not once, but twice, and played Bob Dylan in I’m Not There and killed in Notes On a Scandal. Oh, and she even made Bandits worth watching. So if you can play the Queen, Hepburn and save a film with Billy Bob Thornton and Bruce Willis, that show you have major range.



More Range: The Talented Mr. Ripley » Oscar and Lucinda » The Gift » The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou » The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

3 Christian Bale
Bale might not be the nicest guy to work with if you are on the crew, but dude can act and play almost anything. He nailed the role of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, masterfully played the Batman/Bruce Wayne combo in The Dark Knight, dropped about 60 pounds to play the sleep-deprived Trevor Reznik in The Machinist, and showed off amazing “gun-kata” in Equilibrium. He can even rock the Boston accent as he did in his outstanding performance in The Fighter.



More Range: 3:10 to Yuma » Rescue Dawn » I’m Not There » Terminator Salvation » Public Enemies

2 Alec Baldwin
“Put that coffee down! Coffee’s for closers only.” Baldwin had certainly done plenty of work before he uttered that line — and dominated one of film’s most memorable scenes — but it was GlenGarry Glen Ross that signified his arrival as a heavy hitter in Hollywood. The younger generation may know him best for his Jack Donaghy role on 30 Rock, or even his frequent stints as host of SNL. But they would do well to go see him as Old Man Dunphy in Outside Providence, the failing husband and father in Lymelife, and as the lead in It’s Complicated. Baldwin even makes Capitol One commercials fun.



More Range: The Departed » Running with Scissors » The Cooler » Path to War » State and Main

1 Phillp Seymour Hoffman
“This is our concern, Dude.” With all his outstanding roles you might have forgot that Phillip Seymour Hoffman was in The Big Lebowski. He also brought “sharted” into the pop culture lexicon in Along Came Polly.



Hoffman can make us laugh, but he has moved us emotionally in so many ways over the years. He blew us away as Truman Capote, made us cringe and laugh as Scotty in Boogie Nights and was a believable Rastafarian in Jack Goes Boating. He moved us as the helpless huffer in Love Liza, the degenerate gambler in Owning Mahowny and was as cool as they come as Lester Bangs in Almost Famous. Hoffman may have the most range in all of Hollywood.



More Range: Cold Mountain » Magnolia » Flawless » Doubt » Hard Eight



Originally published on July 26, 2011.

Good stuff from around the Web to help you through the rest of the weekend.

Australian Model April Vaughan is Ridiculously Hot Chuck Norris Plays MarioKart Alison Brie Talks About Her Naked College Coed Days

Australian Model April Vaughan is Ridiculously Hot
Chuck Norris Plays MarioKart
Alison Brie Talks About Her Naked College Coed Days
The Hottest Women in Black
Britney Spears’s Breasts Look Rejuvenated

Ranking the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Rookie Candidates
The Most Useless Baby Products of All Time
Ana Braga is the Babe of the Day
Hot Girls in the Middle of Nowhere (NSFWish)
The 60 Sexiest American Olympic Athletes

Katy Perry Drops Some See Through Cleavage
5 Giant City-Wide Parties You Won’t Believe Are Real
Horror Movie Hottie Julianna Guill
Nicole Kidman Looks a Little Chilly
Lucy Collett and Holly Jade Peers

2012 Eagles Cheerleader Bikini Shoot
25 High Speed Photos of Objects Getting Destroyed
30 Must-See Pictures of Nicole Scherzinger
The Great Britain Beach Volleyball Team in Bikinis
Anna Torv is a Woman We Love

Remember a couple of years ago when Alyssa Miller and Kate Upton were both rookies in the SI Swimsuit Issue? Yeah, Kate’s gotten a bit more famous than Alyssa. That doesn’t mean Alyssa isn’t just as hot though. Yeah, I said it. Just. As. Hot. Bring it on.

I still can’t believe that Miranda Kerr is someone’s mom. No one’s mom is supposed to look like this in her underwear. Granted it’s Victoria’s Secret underwear and the mom in question is a supermodel, but still. Can you imagine going over to a friend’s house ]]>

I still can’t believe that Miranda Kerr is someone’s mom. No one’s mom is supposed to look like this in her underwear. Granted it’s Victoria’s Secret underwear and the mom in question is a supermodel, but still. Can you imagine going over to a friend’s house with the knowledge that you saw your friend’s mom in hundreds of pictures wearing outfits like this? Ridiculous.

There really is no end to the number of beautiful women in the world willing to pose for photographs while wearing lingerie. Case in point: Marlies Pfeifhofer. What do we know about Marlies Pfeifhofer? Well, for one she works for this company Schiesser, who obviously makes good lingerie. ]]>

There really is no end to the number of beautiful women in the world willing to pose for photographs while wearing lingerie. Case in point: Marlies Pfeifhofer. What do we know about Marlies Pfeifhofer? Well, for one she works for this company Schiesser, who obviously makes good lingerie. She is from Austria. She’s 5’8.5″ tall. She has 32.5-23.5-34.5″ measurements. And sadly she doesn’t have a Wikipedia page thus exhausting all the tools I’m willing to use to find out more about her.

Since we here at Guyism pretty much live on the Internet we run across an awful lot of good things each day. These are some of the funniest, sexiest, most entertaining things we’ve seen so far today.

Insane Dating Video Games First off, it’s ]]>

Since we here at Guyism pretty much live on the Internet we run across an awful lot of good things each day. These are some of the funniest, sexiest, most entertaining things we’ve seen so far today.

Insane Dating Video Games

Hot ‘Street Fighter’ Cosplay

How to Pick Up Girls at the Pool

WWE Star Chris Jericho Suspended

Courtney Walker

Summer Beers

Blake Griffin Dunks, ‘NBA Jam’-Style

Jordan Carver Playing Soccer

The Best ‘Family Guy’ Fights

Kim Kardashian’s Dress

J.R. Smith Arrested

Badass Depictions of Hell

Kelly Brook’s Dress

Funniest NBA Playoff Moments

Models Turned Actresses

Great, now what am I going to do with these 600 tickets I bought? R-Patz is teaming up with visionary director David Croenenberg for Cosmopolis, a movie about a multi-billionaire traveling through New York City in a limousine and the strange adventures he gets up to ]]>

Great, now what am I going to do with these 600 tickets I bought? R-Patz is teaming up with visionary director David Croenenberg for Cosmopolis, a movie about a multi-billionaire traveling through New York City in a limousine and the strange adventures he gets up to along the way. One adventure, however, turned out to be a little too strange for the Twilight star, and it involved his balls.

In a wide-ranging interview with Metro France, Pattinson touched on several topics, but the most interesting for our purposes involved a scene that we won’t get to see. Fan blog Robert Pattinson Life has the translation, which goes like this:

“Five minutes before we filmed, David told me, ‘I want to see the bottom of your balls on the top of the frame.’ At the moment, I reminded myself that I would do anything for him. So I went back to see him and told him that wouldn’t happen. He took it really well. At the start, it’s a very bizarre scene that you won’t see again in another movie, I promise.”

So how does “I would do anything for him” transform into “I would do anything but show my balls for him”? Respect down, Pattinson. Whip those boys out and let them sing.

It’s not easy being a supermodel, you guys. Getting paid to lie around in your underwear, which is exactly what people who don’t have a job do for free, is hard so there’s plenty to complain about.

Jessica Lucas is one of those sexy actresses that never seems to get enough work for my taste. Sure, she was in Cloverfield and on Melrose Place, but who wanted to watch Melrose Place? At least the rebooted version. Now I hear that she’s going to be on a show ]]>

Jessica Lucas is one of those sexy actresses that never seems to get enough work for my taste. Sure, she was in Cloverfield and on Melrose Place, but who wanted to watch Melrose Place? At least the rebooted version. Now I hear that she’s going to be on a show on The CW (have to get out my cable guide for that one) called Cult which is about a blogger and a hot chick. About time.

Some celebrities have so much money rolling in that they think it’s just going to keep coming in forever. Then it doesn’t. And they end up on lists like this.

We’ve all grown to love Namibian princess Behati Prinsloo (no, she’s not really a princess, it just sounds cool) for her work with Victoria’s Secret, and now she’s parlayed that into work for another company. This is a little preview of the ad campaign she shot for Australian ]]>

We’ve all grown to love Namibian princess Behati Prinsloo (no, she’s not really a princess, it just sounds cool) for her work with Victoria’s Secret, and now she’s parlayed that into work for another company. This is a little preview of the ad campaign she shot for Australian company Seafolly (yes, another bikini company – there’s like 200 of them – it’s ridiculous). And apparently one of the bikinis she’s selling doesn’t come with a top. Love those Aussies.

It’s “for a movie.” Sure, that’s what they all say. The Cannes Film Festival is in full swing, and people are talking about all sorts of things (expect a full wrap-up here on Monday when all the fuss dies down). One of the most controversial films ]]>

It’s “for a movie.” Sure, that’s what they all say. The Cannes Film Festival is in full swing, and people are talking about all sorts of things (expect a full wrap-up here on Monday when all the fuss dies down). One of the most controversial films of the festival is The Paperboy, the new flick by Lee Daniels (the director of Precious and the absolutely demented Shadowboxer which had lots of Cuba Gooding Jr / Helen Mirren sex scenes).

Based on a novel by Pete Dexter, The Paperboy tells the story of a death row inmate jailed for a crime he didn’t commit and the woman who falls for him and enlists a pair of investigative reporters to prove his innocence. Nicole Kidman plays the woman, John Cusack is the inmate and Zac Efron is one of the reporters. And the one scene that everybody came out of the theater talking about revolves around steaming hot piss.

At one point in the story, Efron’s character goes to the beach and gets stung by jellyfish. As we all know, human urine is a great counter-venom to jellyfish poison, so Kidman’s character (according to Vulture) hunkers down over him, yells out “If anyone’s gonna pee on him, it’s gonna be me,” and gives him a full-on golden shower. Oh, and Macy Gray narrates the whole thing. Oscars, here we come!

Remember the other day when we took a look at some new Kate Upton bikini pictures that she did for Beach Bunny? Yes it was good. And now, of course, there’s another video. I love how every time they come out with new bikini pics featuring Kate ]]>

Remember the other day when we took a look at some new Kate Upton bikini pictures that she did for Beach Bunny? Yes it was good. And now, of course, there’s another video. I love how every time they come out with new bikini pics featuring Kate there’s always a video following shortly behind. Kind of like how I would be if I knew when and where these shoots were taking place. Damn them and their secrecy.

With news this week that Justin Timberlake is returning to music as a film composer we figured it would be a good time to take a look a back at his alleged sexual history and see how he compares to the other legendary swordsmen we’ve chronicled.

Since we here at Guyism pretty much live on the Internet we run across an awful lot of good things each day. These are some of the funniest, sexiest, most entertaining things we’ve seen so far today.

The Commandments of Grilling Can you ever ]]>

Since we here at Guyism pretty much live on the Internet we run across an awful lot of good things each day. These are some of the funniest, sexiest, most entertaining things we’ve seen so far today.

The Commandments of Grilling

Summer Tailgate Prep

Benefits of Being a Dictator

Facebook on NASDAQ

A Woman’s Abs

Awkward Moments

Katy Perry’s ‘Wide Awake’ Video

Cheryl Cole’s Dress

More WTF Tumblr

Candice Swanepoel

Tips for Life

Snubbed Hotties

Skater Girl Chanel Spencer

Stand-Up Comedy Cliches

Casey Connely

The subject under scrutiny here is which pop star went to the most impressive lengths to keep her goodies covered and supported? Ladies and gentlemen, the Pop Star Power Bra Showdown.

Yep, you read that right, Kristen Stewart wanted to go topless in her new movie On the Road. So she did it, with all sorts of awesome K-Stew reasons why.

Asked at the Cannes Film Festival about a particular scene in which she is shown ]]>

Yep, you read that right, Kristen Stewart wanted to go topless in her new movie On the Road. So she did it, with all sorts of awesome K-Stew reasons why.

Asked at the Cannes Film Festival about a particular scene in which she is shown sitting in a car topless between two of the male leads, she responded…

“I love pushing. I love scaring myself,” said Stewart about her portrayal of Marylou, who is based on Luanne Henderson. I’ve always wanted to get as close to an experience as I could.”

So now the big question is, do we actually get to see her topless or did she just have her top off and all the goods are hidden from view? Twi-hards, and therefore those who own stock in Kleenex and Vaseline, are dying to know.

Kristen Stewart ‘Wanted’ to Go Topless in New Movie [People]

What, you didn’t know Heidi Klum was a singer? Well, she isn’t much of one, but she does know a lot about looking good on camera and that’s mostly what this music video is all about. This video of Heidi singing the song “Turn Up The Night” ]]>

What, you didn’t know Heidi Klum was a singer? Well, she isn’t much of one, but she does know a lot about looking good on camera and that’s mostly what this music video is all about. This video of Heidi singing the song “Turn Up The Night” is for Hunger magazine, a fashion magazine most of us probably haven’t heard of. Which I guess is kind of the whole point of the video now that I think about it.

Even famous people get old. They do their best to disguise this from you via plastic surgery, incredibly expensive skin cream containing stem cells from ground up homeless babies, and other assorted arcane beauty rituals too terrible and horrifying to describe here. Some of them are so good at ]]>

Even famous people get old. They do their best to disguise this from you via plastic surgery, incredibly expensive skin cream containing stem cells from ground up homeless babies, and other assorted arcane beauty rituals too terrible and horrifying to describe here. Some of them are so good at this that no one really realizes they’ve gotten old until they fall and break a hip or end up on the Oscars telecast the next year in the “In Memoriam” part of the show. And then everyone turns to their friends and says “Damn, who knew?” Who knew, indeed. Well, you will, thanks to this handy little guide we’ve put together of 15 famous folks who are older than you think.

15 Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Age: 51


Yes, that’s right, Elaine from Seinfeld is the same age as your mother. The good news is that now all your creepy Elaine fantasies (I know you have them you degenerate animals) will also include her cutting the crusts off your sandwiches and doing your laundry on weekends. The bad news is that after having one of these fantasies you will need either years of intense therapy or a power drill to stick in your ear if you don’t have health insurance. So, uh, have fun with that.

14 Ralph Macchio
Age: 50


Yup, the Karate Kid is 50. Ralph Macchio is 50. 50. Sorry, just trying to wrap my head around that. To be fair, he looks surprisingly good for his age. I mean, given the way his career went you would figure that he would look like a methed out version of Skeletor by now or like Mickey Rourke’s ballsack. But nope, he still has that boyish face that made every dude who knew karate on multiple continents want to terrorize him. I’m just saying, sure Mr. Miyagi is dead but with today’s new hologram technology, they could totally pull off another Karate Kid flick. Yeah, it would kinda sad and embarrassing but so is Battleship and they still made that shit.

13 Denzel Washington
Age: 57


Denzel Washington seems like he’s almost ageless, doesn’t he? He’s one of those rare actors where age is just never an issue. That’s why he can get away with playing the same character over a twenty year span like he did in American Gangster without it being weird. That’s also why no one probably realizes he’s only a few short years away from getting the senior citizen discount at the movie theater or eating dinner at four o’clock in the afternoon. I’m sure the ravages of time will start to show up sooner or later but for now, Denzel just has one of those faces that just never seems to change, which is why I’m guessing that he’ll still play the lead role in the Nick Cannon biopic in 2045 after Nick Cannon becomes infamous for drowning Mariah Carey in a bathtub sometime in the next thirty years. You know I’m right. About all of it.

12 Madonna
Age: 53


Madonna is still desperately hanging onto her image as a sex icon with her lizard-like talons and because of that everyone still thinks of her in those terms but really, the next time she tries to hump a stage in a wedding dress she’ll probably just end up breaking her hip. Perhaps the time has come to applaud her just for staying buff into her fifties instead of mocking her for her gaunt, ropey physique. I mean, after all, she could probably kick my ass and most of yours too. To be fair, she’s able to stay ahead of the game by sucking the life essence from everyone around her, kinda like the Mummy but still, goddamn, those arms are like the arms of a Terminator. I’m not sure whether this means we need Brendan Fraser or John Connor to defeat her in the end but for now, let’s just all agree to stay out of her way.

11 William Shatner
Age: 81


Shatner kinda has that weird Betty White thing going on where no matter how old he gets we still think of him as sort of ageless. Sure, we know he’s old but if you asked 100 people how old they think Shatner is, I’m guessing only a tiny, tiny percentage would guess that he’s actually over 80. Leonard Nimoy is easier to peg because his head and face increasingly look like a statue from Easter Island as he gets old, but Shatner? He seems like he’s perpetually in his early 60s, right? But he’s actually 81 which means we all have to start preparing for a world in which Captain Kirk boldly goes where, well, everyone eventually goes: the mortuary.

10 Tom Cruise
Age: 49


It’s not so much that Tom Cruise is 49 years old – I think people would accept that number, at least on the surface – but it’s that in only a couple of months Tom Cruise will turn 50, and well, I don’t think people are ready to live in a world in which Tom Cruise is 50. There is just something about that that feels… wrong. I think it’s because he hasn’t really seemed like he’s aged all that much since playing Maverick in Top Gun. I mean, yeah, his face is a bit more weathered but let’s give credit where credit is due – the man might actually be a vampire. He’s like some unholy combo of Lestat, Maverick and Xenu: Warrior Princess. He might never actually die. Damn, maybe we all should get the ol’ Thetans flushed out.

9 Julianne Moore
Age: 51


Julianne Moore didn’t really become famous until she was in her 30s so it shouldn’t really be a huge surprise that she has pushed past 50. But still, does she really look much different now than she did in Boogie Nights? No, which is all the more impressive when you consider that most people with her skin tone and hair color (Species: Gingerus Americanus) start to look like the old Nazi at the end of Indiana Jones and the Lost Crusade after he sips out of the wrong Grail as they get older. Sure, she doesn’t exactly look young but she sure as hell doesn’t look old either. Maybe the Fountain of Youth was really in Marky Mark’s pants the whole time? Who knew?

8 Johnny Depp
Age: 49


Like with Tom Cruise the idea of Johnny Depp being 50 seems incongruous at the very least. At the most, it’s an idea which seems completely batshit nuts like the sky being made out of hot dogs or Snooki being named the new Surgeon General. There’s no way Johnny Depp can be 50, right? Well get ready because in only a few short weeks, the dude is going to hit that milestone. I suggest we all celebrate it by moving to France and banging supermodels and smoking out of ostentatious cigarette holders while we laugh and swim in a pile of money. It’s what he would want and who are we to deny his birthday wishes? Fine, I’ll do it for all of us. You’re welcome, world. You’re welcome.

7 Tom Skerritt
Age: 79


That’s right, Maverick’s mentor is almost 80 years old now. I guess it makes sense when you consider that Top Gun was made over 25 years ago now and even in that, Skerritt was kind of an oldster. But still, you’re never really prepared for when someone you watched as a kid turns out to be knockin’ on heaven’s door, you know? Sure, sure, there’s the occasional heroin related accident or – in probably Val Kilmer’s case – the occasional ham sandwich related accident that sends them riding to Valhalla on their spirit horse but old age? Man, that just bums me out. I refuse to let any of the actors I watched as a child get any older. Goddammit, this article is starting to depress me…

6 Jennifer Tilly
Age: 53


That big boobed poker playing lady that you can’t stop lusting after? Yeah, she’s the same age as your mom. Think about THAT the next time you’re pawing at yourself at 2:00 AM, half-drunk, watching poker on the Travel Channel while she wins hand after hand using only the power of her magical Two-Pair. Just remember that she is probably spending the winnings on Polly-Grip and Werther’s Originals. Either that or… or… sorry, I got distracted there. Are we sure those, er I mean she, yeah… she, is 53? Really? Screw it, I’m all in.

5 Samuel L. Jackson
Age: 63


Sam Jackson is 63 years old. Just think about that for a moment and let it sink in before we continue. The man – and Sam Jackson is most definitely The Man – is already at the age where he can start getting discounts for being an old geezer. And yet, there he is, playing Nick Fury on the big screen and sweet-talking his phone in TV commercials. It’s a testament to how badass Sam Jackson really is that when that commercial airs, the possibility at least exists that he’s thawing the icy heart of that robot vixen Siri with his talk of hot Gazpacho, right? I mean, how many 63 year-old men do you know who could pull that off? Hell, how many 63 year-old men do you know who can even operate an iPhone without having a stroke or accidentally blowing something up? And yet, there’s Samuel L. Jackson, sweet-talking Siri while making Gazpacho and no one says a goddamn thing. Now that’s a man for whom age is utterly meaningless.

4 Chuck Norris
Age: 72


Chuck Norris is such a badass that… well, actually no he’s not. He’s a 72 year-old man who probably can’t eat anything more firm than applesauce, who probably has to wear a diaper on long car rides and who fretted like an old maid until Sly Stallone agreed to soften The Expendables II until it was a Chuck Norris-approved PG-13 rated family friendly film. What a hard ass! No, but really, it’s kind of amazing that people still think that Chuck Norris could break anything other than his own hip after skipping out on his calcium supplements. You may think he’s a badass, but the dude is old as dirt.

3 Sigourney Weaver
Age: 62


When people think of Sigourney Weaver they think of her as the badass warrior chick who put the beat-down on those freaky aliens. What they don’t think about is a lady who in less than a decade will probably be sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch, her liver-spotted hands knitting a quilt for those dear aliens the next time they come to visit her. Okay fine, perhaps that’s a slight exaggeration but you can’t deny that you were pretty surprised when you saw that she was in her 60s, now can you? Don’t lie to me. It’s unbecoming. Still, like Madonna, I’m guessing she could still kick most of our asses and I’m guessing half of you would still get an erection while she was doing so. I apologize, this got weird, but again, don’t even try to lie to me.

2 Sean Connery
Age: 81


Sure, I think we all know that Sean Connery is kinda old, but in our heads we still picture him as strong and virile, James Bond in his retirement years, still crushing ass and sipping martinis. But look at that picture. That’s not just an old man, that’s an OLD man. That’s crushing up pills in the applesauce and sipping Metamucil old. The spirit of Bond has clearly left him and in its place is a dude who’s older than my grandpa – and not nearly as energetic. And my grandpa is dead. And now so is my mental image of the original Bond. Hell, the only time you’ll probably ever hear him utter that name now is when he’s saying the following: “Bond… Gold Bond. Yes, that’s right, Gold Bond Powder. I need it for my diaper rash…”

1 Harrison Ford
Age: 69


In less than a year, Harrison Ford will be 70 years old. Now, I don’t know about you but I am not prepared for a world in which Han Solo and Indiana Jones are in their 70s. That’s just an awful thought, wrong and horrible. I mean, on an intellectual level, I think we get it – after all, the dude was 35 years old when the first Star Wars came out and like me, I’m guessing a lot of you weren’t even born when that happened – but on an emotional level… nope, not ready for it. We all reeled when the dude was in his 50s and we sort of shook our head and tried to pretend that it wasn’t true when he was in his 60s but there’s no ignoring 70. There just isn’t. I mean, that’s even older than Ronald Reagan was when he was elected President and I think we can all agree that dude was OLD. Try to imagine Ronald Reagan playing Indiana Jones in 1981. You can’t do it, can you? At least not without laughing. But that’s where we find ourselves today with Harrison Ford, which is such a depressing thought that there was no way anyone else could have been number one on this list.

Every time we see a new batch of pictures of 19 year-old Hungarian hottie Barbara Palvin she looks sexier and sexier. Thank goodness Victoria’s Secret hired her. It’s rare when one of these models we hope gets hired by The Company actually does get hired by them, but ]]>

Every time we see a new batch of pictures of 19 year-old Hungarian hottie Barbara Palvin she looks sexier and sexier. Thank goodness Victoria’s Secret hired her. It’s rare when one of these models we hope gets hired by The Company actually does get hired by them, but now that she is working for them I expect to see pictures of her in their gear for years and years to come. Do you hear me, Victoria’s Secret?! For years and years…

(24 pictures in this gallery.)