December 2, 2011 1:00 pm

Gwyneth Paltrow and January Jones head The Least Influential People of 2011 list

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Barbara Walters’ annual The 10 Most Fascinating People list came out, but no one gives a crap about that because the real list, put out by GQ, entitled The Least Influential People of 2011, has also been released and by the grace of God Gwyneth Paltrow and January Jones both made the list. I think my favorite part of the list is where the author kind of subtitled it “the most useless bastards of 2011.” Early Christmas to me!

As for Gwyneth,

Paltrow spent most of 2011 performing on awards shows (mostly so people could be like, “OMG! I didn’t know she could sing! And now I do! I don’t know what else to do with this information!”), pushing shit on Goop that no one except Gwyneth Paltrow would buy, and unleashing her awful cookbook upon the world, a book that included such amazingly vapid sentences as “We’ve got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden—a luxury, I know, but it’s one of the best investments I’ve ever made.” Is it any wonder we all loved watching her die in Contagion?

In all seriousness, I am buying Contagion just so I can put that scene on a loop in my living room. This list alone makes me want to see her appear in Faces of Death 22 or whatever number they’re up to these days.

With regards to January, they said…

Thanks to the contract squabble that delayed Mad Men until 2012, we didn’t even get to see Jones in the one thing that justifies her existence. Jones spent 2011 serving as human topiary in the new X-Men movie, getting knocked up, and passing every waking hour looking like someone stole her last box of Parliaments.

Human topiary… that’s pretty much what she does, and makes millions. Now I’m getting pissed again. How come there’s no mention of her getting knocked up with one of her (allegedly married) co-workers’ baby, then acting like the baby is such a pain the ass when she’s in public with it?

The list also includes such luminaries as Tim Pawlenty, Hank Williams Jr., Tiger Woods’ ex-caddie Steve Williams, Paul Reiser, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, and, of course, Tila Tequila, because no list of worthless piles of human excrement really would be complete without her.