January 22, 2010 12:00 pm

The now unrecognizable Heidi Montag sold under 1,000 albums, almost died

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heidi montag new face 005 630x387 The now unrecognizable Heidi Montag sold under 1,000 albums, almost died

In case you missed, and judging by the numbers you did, Heidi Montag’s big music album, Superficial, sold just 658 copies. Who says there’s no such thing as karma? In other Heidi news, do you even recognize her face anymore? Wow. According to Us magazine, Heidi’s album has sold only 658 downloads to date and according to Entertainment Weekly, Heidi was quoted as saying, “within the first week, we will definitely make our money back. I put every dollar I have into this. I’ve spent over $1 million, almost $2 million, on this album. It’s cost as much or more than a Britney Spears album because I wanted it to be that quality… The songs will make an impact in pop history.” Next stop, strip clubs, baby. Gotta put all that plastic to good use somehow. And I will be first in line. (See her old face here, if for some reason you want to compare.)

She also tells Access Hollywood (who didn’t this idiot talk to?), that she almost didn’t wake up after the 10 procedures she had in one day (including buttocks augmentation, liposuction to her waist and thighs, Botox, nose job, fat injections in her cheeks and lips, a mini brow lift, a chin reduction, liposuction to her neck, her ears pinned back, and breast augmentation revision). Sadly, she did wake up. And started talking.

“I almost died after my procedure,” Montag said. “I had too much Demerol like Michael Jackson did and my breathing was five breaths per minute which is like almost dead. [I was] in an aftercare center, there were nurses that were supposed to be tending to me at all times.”

“So thank God, Charles, one of my security guys used to be an EMT, and he was timing my breath on his watch and he called the nurses,” she added. “They had to put oxygen on my face and called my plastic surgeon to come in for an emergency. So, it was a very traumatic experience for me.”

“I’m starting to move my face more and more,” she said. “[But,] I feel very plastic … especially when I first came out, it was so hard for me even to smile and it’s still hard for me to chew sometimes. But it’s feeling more and more natural everyday because the swelling is going down.”

You know, I am glad she had all this done. It’s going to fun watching this train of hers derail in a massive explosion. The mere fact that this waste of space makes enough money to actually have, and feel the need for, a bodyguard only furthers my contempt for her. Yay, hate!