This Week in Women: Anna Chapman, Rihanna, and more
Katie Nolan 
For those of you who don’t know me, I run a little blog called Bitches Can’t Hang. Get familiar. We provide humorous commentary on women in the news to support the thesis that chicks really couldn’t hack it as “one of the boys.” Offensive? Maybe. Valid? Absolutely.
Every week on Guyism, I’ll be giving a rundown of this week’s most notable bitches. From celebs to reality TV stars to unknown females in your local news, no one’s off limits. So, without further ado, I present to you the first installment of “This week in women.”
Bitchiest Career Move of the Week – Anna Chapman
You remember Anna; last June she was outed as a Russian spy kicking it in New York and we deported her back to her homeland. Everyone was surprised by her (debatable) good looks, so she threw on some lingerie and did Russian Maxim. Totally get it; if you’ve got it, flaunt it. Ride that fame wave out until you find another job, girl. But this week she debuted her newest career choice… on the runway at Russia’s Fashion Week. This girl gained international fame after being unmasked as a badass member of an external intelligence agency, and she chooses to become a f-cking model. Just more proof that bitches will give up anything, including a prolific career in an intellectually stimulating field, for someone to tell them they’re pretty.
Contradictory Bitch of the Week – Rihanna
Rihanna’s on the cover of Rolling Stone this week, and her interview gave some interesting insight into the person she feels like being this month:
“I like to be spanked. Being tied up is fun. I like to keep it spontaneous. Sometimes whips and chains can be overly planned – you gotta stop, get the whip from the drawer downstairs. I’d rather have him use his hands.”
Disclaimer: domestic violence should never be condoned. Now that that’s out of the way, I have to give this one a hearty what the eff. I’m all for the occasional choke-out sesh in the bedroom, but any bitch who is concerned about where you’re keeping your whip in relation to your mattress is far more into violence than her publicist wanted you to believe a couple years ago. For an artist who offers little more than an image, it might be a good idea to pick a cohesive one. And RiRi, hate to break it to you, but you might be hard pressed to find a man willing to keep his pimp hand strong on your ass when your lawyers have a restraining order template saved in their Most Recent Documents.
Bitch Who Got What She Deserved of the Week – Crystal Mangum
Nope, not a porn star or a SportsCenter anchorwoman… Crystal Mangum’s actually the bitch that cried rape on the Duke lacrosse team back in 2006. Homegirl was charged this week for stabbing her boyfriend in the chestplate with intent to kill. If the girl could hang, she’d know it’s much better to attempt murder on your boytoy before you very publicly rule out the option of a self-defense plea.
Honorary Bitch of the Week – Ryan Murphy
While it’s easy to rag on the ladies for their lack of hangability, sometimes you dudes can’t seem to get it right either. This week’s honorary bitch title goes to Ryan Murphy, creator of Glee. He issued a public apology on Friday for the way he reacted when Kings of Leon turned down an offer to have their music featured on the show (in case you missed it, the way he reacted was with a nice “f-ck you.”).
Two issues here: For one, Murphy’s initial behavior towards KOL (as well as Slash & the Foo Fighters, to name a few) was horrendous enough. Your show blows, bro. Just because Slash has the balls to say so doesn’t mean you get to say his career is over and call him “uneducated and quite stupid.” You also don’t get to make yourself into a martyr for art education, saying your show is making a difference by “turning kids on to music,” a mere three sentences after you tell a group of hard-working musicians to eff themselves. Look up “role model” in the dictionary; you’re doing it wrong. P.S. The “music” you’re turning kids on to is a regurgitated, overly auto-tuned version of the real stuff. We’re all set with that, you hero, you.
Secondly, if you’re going to stomp your feet and whine like a baby all up in my face for months, don’t you dare go retracting your statement. The damage is done; man up and own it. Your little PR dance this week is the equivalent of slapping me in the face and then saying “Maybe I reacted poorly… totes didn’t mean it!” You were an a–hole before, but now? Now you just look like a bitch.
Bitch Who Could Hang of the Week – Holly Thompson
On BBC’s Bizarre ER this week, we were introduced to Holly Thompson, a college chick who ended up in the ER after a “massive yawn” (pronounced “blow job”) dislocated her jaw, leaving her unable to close her mouth.
Wait… so you’re telling me this girl can’t talk, her face is permanently stuck in what appears to be an open invitation, and she can fit 26 tongue depressors in her mouth at once? Pretty sure we’ve found our Bitch Who Could Hang of the Week.
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