July 7, 2011 8:00 am

This Week in Women: Casey Anthony, Brooke Daniels & more

Katie Nolan Editor, "Guyism Speed Round" Producer

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casey anthony murder trial This Week in Women: Casey Anthony, Brooke Daniels & more

EDITOR’S NOTE: As young Katie addresses in the first paragraph of this piece, we’re currently doing our best to shame your favorite girl Katie Nolan by making her promise that if she gets 500 likes on her new Facebook fan page by end of day Friday (7/9), she has to take sexy pictures for the world to enjoy. So do us all a favor and like her page now:

Would ya look at that? It’s only Thursday and already you get to enjoy the hilarity that is This Week in Women. As much as it pains Chris Spags, I think he finally has to admit I can be somewhat entertaining. Or, more likely, he’s just pushing to get me to 500 Facebook fans by Friday so that he can degrade me back into my place with the cleavage shot he promised you Guyism readers. Either way.

This week we obviously had to touch upon Casey Anthony, in what will probably be the least informative piece of writing you read on the case. We’ve also got a gold digging beauty queen, an iPhone terrorist, a lesbian who thinks we can’t handle her lesbianism, and a mother willing to make some sacrifices to stay within her budget.

Lucky Bitch of the Week: Casey Anthony
I’d be lying if I said I knew enough about the details of this case to launch into some pointed argument about how wrong that verdict was. I’d also be lying if I said I took the time to research it fully so that this post could be an educated one. The bottom line is that 25 [Ed. note: hundreds] of you are reading this. And, while I love you for it, you’re not worth the 45 minutes I’d have to spend with that bull dyke Nancy Grace to gather all the necessary data. No one is. So instead I’ll just make a blanket statement based off the few facts I’ve heard, because this is my blog and I’ll do what I want: The bitch is guilty. You can throw the word “circumstantial” at me until it convinces you you’d pass the bar exam, but binge drinking and tattooing phrases about how sweet your life is a week after your baby dies is evidence enough to put your ass away for life. But that’s neither here nor there now. Go ahead and send the prosecution an edible arrangement to show your thanks, Case, and then get to work practicing your lines with OJ for Double Jeopardy 2: This Law is for Douchebags.

Gold-Digging Bitch of the Week: Brooke Daniels
For those who are unaware, Brooke is the beauty pageant bitch that was dating the Dallas Cowboys’ Roy Williams. Back in February he sent a Valentine’s Day package to her home containing a recorded proposal and $76,000 ring, which she didn’t accept. Strike one in my book. I know you broads have the moment of your engagement built up in your head to be some magical event with rose petals and talking doves, but if a rich athlete sends you a ring that outranks your net worth, there’s plenty of room for your dreams to take a back seat in the new Range Rover you’ll inherit when you say yes.

Go ahead and get all defensive about how women shouldn’t marry men for their money and argue that Brooke values the ancient concept of true love… The bitch not only said no, but kept the ring, claiming Williams never indicated he wanted it back. That means she weighed the pros and cons, decided that a life-long union to this guy wasn’t worth more than 75 grand, and hastily created an eBay account. Oh, and then told Ray she “lost it.” That’s strike three, if you’re still keeping track. Gotta love beauty pageants for continually reaffirming that all the pretty ones are bat-shit crazy.

Meddling Bitch of the Week: Sandy DeWitt
This bitch is a photographer from Miami who was removed from a US Airways flight this week for snapping a photo of a stewardess’ nametag in an effort to launch a complaint. Everyone’s all up in arms saying it’s ludicrous that she was forced to deplane for being a “security risk”… but not me. If you’re ballsy enough to whip out your iPhone to catch an angry stewardess named Tonialla doing what you think is a poor job, you really shouldn’t be surprised when she snatches that shit out of your hands and tells the pilot you’re a terrorist. You try dealing with whiny passengers who don’t want to drop $5 on a dimebag of honey roasted peanuts while you watch He’s Just Not That Into You for the fifth time that day, and then we’ll see what kind of mood you’re in when some “concerned citizen” tries to collect your data for her blog.

I understand that your need to involve yourself in others’ business trumps logic, Sandy. You’re a woman after all. But I hear there’s a new product out there called a “pen” that accomplishes the same thing without lighting up the cabin with its flashbulb.

Frugal Bitch of the Week: Kelly Necole Laster
Call me crazy, but I can sort of understand where this bitch’s head was at when she threw her 3-year-old son in a storm drain while she and her older daughter took a little trip to Walmart. In a time when the going rate for babysitters is upwards of $20/hour, you can’t possibly expect her to leave her spawn in responsible hands every time she needs to restock her arsenal of American flag tee shirts and Little Debbies. Logic dictates that by finding a cheaper alternative, like stashing your kid in an sidewalk safe-haven, you can almost triple your purchases. Yeah, maybe there could have been a torrential downpour in the hour or two that Kelly was, leaving the kid in some scene out of Now & Then, but considering that even a pre-pubescent Christina Ricci could MacGyver her way out of that I’d say it’s a risk I’m willing to take.

Besides, a few “minor scrapes” are much easier to treat than the long-term emotional damage that can stem from exposing your 3-year-old to an Alabama Walmart at 2 AM.

Bitch Who Doesn’t Get It of the Week: Judy Gold
Judy is a female comedian who’s been trying to land her own sitcom for years. In a recent article in the Daily News, she said she’s convinced that it won’t be picked up by networks because she’s a lesbian mother of two. Hey Judy, guess what? The only person who is concerned with you and Mrs. Scissorhands’ ability to foster a functional family is you. It’s 2011. We’ve been watching a closeted same-sex couple raise a family since the premiere of Two and a Half Men. It’s time to stop projecting your insecurity with your parenting skills on our country and instead come to terms with the fact that the phrase “female comedian” is and always will be the reason you can’t have a television show.