May 20, 2011 2:00 pm

This Week in Women: Danielle Staub, Gwyneth Paltrow & more

Katie Nolan Editor, "Guyism Speed Round" Producer

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TWIW Staub stripping This Week in Women: Danielle Staub, Gwyneth Paltrow & more

Every week on Guyism, I drop by to give a quick rundown of women who made headlines during the week for typical female flubs. This week we learn that being on a reality show is still not enough publicity for some attention-whores, and that pretending to love hip hop does not make up for years of being a bitch.

Publicity Stunt Bitch of the Week: Danielle Staub
The square-titted New Jersey housewife has announced she will no longer be making an appearance as a stripper at Scores, and instead will be turning over a new leaf and looking to Dr. Drew for help with her psychological issues. Is this the part where we act like this isn’t a publicity stunt? Let’s be real; anyone who is turning to Dr. Drew for assistance is not seriously ready to sit down and sift through the shit of their life. They’re looking to secure a spot on another reality show to keep themselves relevant and spit-shine their image a bit. This bitch has two kids that basically parented her through the 2nd season of that show. Looks like she might just be smart enough to realize that DSS can only turn a blind eye to her prostitution antics for so long.

Regardless, I say throw in the towel on turning your life around at this point. Keep making guest appearances on the D squad at Scores and fish enough ones out of your panties at night to get some KFC on the table. That’s all you can really do. At least when they take your kids away you won’t have to splurge on the family meal.

Unsuccessful Career Move Bitch of the Week: Gwyneth Paltrow
Just still trying whatever she can to make a name for herself in the music biz, huh? Gwynnie went on The Graham Norton Show this week and discussed her affinity for 90s hip hop, subsequently busting into an “impromptu” performance of NWA’s “Gangsta Gangsta.” Except if you’re at all perceptive you can tell from the video that this was completely planned. Our entire country is getting all “OMG Gwyneth that’s awesome we had no idea!” over it, meanwhile the reason we had no idea is because it most likely didn’t exist until a producer calculated that hot blonde + ironic awkwardness = viral video. I probably would’ve been more impressed if she sang on the spot without all that Country Strong autotune. Regardless, from now on, the only microphone you should have near your mouth is the one in Chris Martin’s pants.

Embarrassingly Desperate Bitch of the Week: Sheena Upton
It was revealed this week that the Botox Baby Mama story, which claimed that this woman gave her eight year-old daughter botox injections, was all a complete hoax. One might think this would absolve her of her bitch title, but one would be completely wrong. All this means is that Sheena was willing to sacrifice her name, as well as her daughter’s, for a whopping $200 check from The Sun. I think I’d almost rather the story be true. At least injecting your daughter with a poisonous bacteria is kind of badass. Selling her out for a couple tanks of gas and a few Big Macs is just pathetic.

Parenting Your Child isn’t Four Loko’s Job, Bitch… of the Week: The Rupp Family
I sorta wish this was one of those 20th century families with two moms so the term “bitch” could be more applicable, but I also have a lot of (platonic) love for the lezzies so I’m just as content with bitch-slapping a bible-worthy union. John and Karla Rupp are suing Four Loko for company negligence because their 15 year-old son died after consuming two cans and getting hit by a car. Only in America. Listen; If your 15 year-old is slugging cans of Loko at a Bieber concert and sprinting from the safety of YOUR car into oncoming traffic, there’s only one party I can think of who is guilty of negligence. It’s people like you who pop out babies and expect the rest of the world to take care of them that ruin my foolproof pre-gaming rituals. Thanks to you, I now have to play around with different measurements of red bull, cocaine, and 151 to try and achieve the same perfect combination of both energy and disorientation that used to be available to me in one convenient can. Consider this a heads up, because when this inevitably ends in some sort of cardiac explosion, I’ll most definitely be sending the lawsuit your way.

Undecided Runner-Up: Maria Shriver
I wasn’t going to touch on this because I haven’t fully decided how I feel, but considering Arnold’s secret lovechild is the biggest news story of the week I feel responsible to at least address it. On rare occasions I am capable of having emotions, and on even rarer ones that emotion is sympathy. I gotta say I feel pretty damn terrible for Maria. To find out the eloquent cash cow you married knocked up your housekeeper and hid the living evidence for 15 years has got to be one of the top 10 shittiest turn of events. However, if this happened to me, I’d have the divorce papers on his doorstep in less time than it’d take you to read all of his lines in Red Sonja. Shriver, on the other hand, has hired a divorce lawyer, but is still undecided about going through with the split. Not quite sure what her rationale is on that one, but who knows. Maybe the Governator lays the pipe like none other, and a new-found stepchild is a small price she’d be willing to pay. Or maybe, and more likely, Maria Shriver is just another bitch.