June 10, 2011 2:00 pm

This Week in Women: Kim Kardashian, Lisa Weiss, and more

Katie Nolan Editor, "Guyism Speed Round" Producer

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kim kardashian TWIW This Week in Women: Kim Kardashian, Lisa Weiss, and more

I’ve decided to deviate a bit from the normal routine this week. We’ve had an eventful few days of affairs, so today’s wrap-up is a themed homage to the cheating, lying broads that made headlines. It might take two to tango, but these bitches are all two-stepping their way around culpability. I guess that’s why it’s called “manning up.”

Yeah, maybe some of these are only allegations, but I choose to adopt the “guilty until proven innocent” mentality, and you should too. Especially when it comes to bitches.

Not Surprising Bitch of the Week: Kim Kardashian
Make sure you’re sitting down for this one… Kim Kardashian has allegedly slept with another athlete. I know what you’re thinking. It can’t be true. Not our little Kim, the girl whose claim to fame was a raunchy sex tape and an ass that made J-Lo look malnourished. There’s absolutely no way our reality television sweetheart, who’s been previously sacked by Reggie Bush and Austin Miles, could possibly have cheated on her athlete fiancé, Kris Humphries, with Bret Lockett of the New England Patriots.

I mean, she’d have to be banging Roy Halladay to know how to throw a curve ball like that.

Lying Bitch of the Week: Lisa Weiss
This bitch takes the cake. She voluntarily leaked her (hilarious) sexual internet correspondence with Anthony Weiner, then a couple days later ran to TMZ and said the scandal was ruining her life. I’m not sure I’m following (#twitterjoke). You’re the one who took this from private to public, and now you want us to feel bad for you? I already didn’t before I read this middle-school-AIM-chat-of-a-conversation you two grown adults had, but after? After reading the part where you said “omg! Who is the bitch who ratted you out? I am the only fb chick u can trust”? You’re officially the worst. Not quite sure how you’ve been able to survive out there in Vegas when a little Jewish dick-pic is more than you can handle.

Lucky Bitch of the Week: Sir Fred Goodwin’s Broad
England’s High Court has ruled to keep the identity of the RBS employee who had an affair with the company’s former CEO concealed. The UK now officially sounds like a fantasy land. In what other country can you say you work at a royal bank, sleep with your knighted boss, and have the High Court protect you from the media? Someone send this bitch across the pond and let Harvey Levin have this way with her.

And not for nothing, but if you’re going to have the distinguished title of “Sir” before your name, maybe go by Frederick. You’re making it all too obvious that the decision to knight you was probably ill-advised.

Bandwagon Bitch of the Week: Brigitte Nielsen
Everyone’s favorite Amazon woman had come forward saying she, too, had an affair with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Honestly, I don’t even care if that’s true; I just need stories about this woman having sex with anything to stop popping up on my RSS feeds. The last thing I want to see when I close my eyes to sleep at night is an image of a dude struggling to keep a semi after he removes her Depends and unleashes her wrinkly penis sleeve.

You’ve already spent your lifetime supply of shock and awe on Flava Flav. Literally nothing you do from here on out will top that. Kindly throw on some orthopedic footwear and walk yourself into oblivion.