This Week in Women: Susie Castillo, Katy Perry, and more

My job here on Guyism is to give a rundown of the most notable bitches of the week. From celebs to reality TV stars to unknown females in your local news, no one’s off limits. This week we’ve got a few people who don’t seem to grasp that fame comes at a price, a posterbitch for female stereotypes, and some wedding I hear is happening across the pond.

Cry Baby Bitch of the Week – Susie Castillo
This former Miss USA bitch posted a video on YouTube Wednesday blubbering about being “molested” by a TSA official in Dallas. Apparently she opted out of the full-body scanner and was subject to a patdown by a female employee. Just like the millions of other people who fly every single day. She claims the woman “violated” her, touching her vag four times.

First of all, I’m not sure what this broad’s sex life is like now that she’s post-pageantry, but a little rub down OTP is hardly grounds for a molestation claim. She makes it sound like she was straight up fingerblasted at the baggage claim. Make another video when you at least get to second base and maybe you’ll have my attention. Secondly, she opted for the patdown since she’s a “frequent flyer” and heard that the scanner gives a heavy dose of radiation. Here’s an idea: stop jetting around to C-list events trying to pawn yourself off as a model/actress/TV personality. If you can’t handle a little cancer and the occasional diddling from a woman in uniform, just go ahead and phone it in. I guarantee no one will notice.

Celebrity Bitch of the Week – Katy Perry
K. Perry’s suing an Australian tabloid for publishing a story that claims she was doing Russell dirty and banging her producer Benny Bianco on the side. Suing. For damages to her reputation and “emotions.” Welcome to something we call “the price of fame.” You get paid to stand places, look pretty, and occasionally drop some autotuned vocals on tracks that other people slave over. It can’t all be sunshine and rainbows. Plus tabloids write this kind of shit every single day, and no one really notices. Unless of course you do something to call attention to it, like, I don’t know, file a ridiculous lawsuit. Good luck with it, though. By the time you get compensated for your hardships you’ll probably be able to cash the check in on the divorce lawyer you’ll need after Russell leaves your ass.

Bitch Event of the Week – The Royal Wedding
I’ve done everything I can not to blog a single word about this ridiculous event, but now that we’re in the week of it it’s dominating my Google alerts. Like, normally I’m never at a loss for bitches to mock, but everyone’s so consumed with this royal union bullshit that no one’s doing anything else. And if they are I can’t be bothered to Google that deep.

All I’ll say is this: Boys, if you’re in a relationship, I highly recommend you “take a break” for this weekend. Otherwise you’ll be subject to marathons of Say Yes to the Dress and bitch tears about the beauty of true love. You can either spend these next few days drinking beers and watching playoff hockey, or outlining seating charts for the nuptials you don’t remember agreeing to. Your call.

Stereotypical Bitch of the Week – Anne Tobin
Stereotypes tend to piss people off, but I’ve always said they’ve gotta come from somewhere. Yeah, maybe not all Irish people are drunks, but if the second coming of the potato famine killed them all tomorrow, this Jameson-pouring bitch would be out of a job. Just saying, they’ve gotta be kinda true. And every once in a while a news story comes along that proves them so poetically.

Enter Anne Tobin, a 43-year-old bitch from Vermont who was arrested Thursday for attempting to hit her boyfriend with a truck after a heated argument. I say “attempted” because she ended up taking out another car and a 55-gallon drum instead. Word to the wise: If you’re going to choose a method for your aggravated assault, don’t choose one at which you’re genetically predisposed to fail. Stick to what you know. You don’t see white dudes trying to murder anyone by engaging in dance battles.

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