Top 10 historical lays
Douglas Charles by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool.com
Let’s face it – if Man ever gets access to a functioning time machine, what are we going to use it for? Right, theft and sex. Since the theft is obvious (ooh, you got the lottery numbers *and* the NFL point spreads right? You criminal mastermind!), let’s go right to the rutting.
And as to how you get the woman in question between the sheets, you’ve got Wizard Tech, Godlike Omniscience and/or the ability to bribe with modern currency and/or information; also, unlike most guys throughout history, you’ll be tall, not smell like someone without indoor plumbing and have working teeth. This should not take that much game, gentlemen.
10) Joan of Arc. Kind of a primer for the religiously lapsed folks who need to work their way up in class to #1, but still a fine choice in her own right. Militarily fit, prone to visions and martyrdom, and French for the hatef*** and sexy accent market. Invade with abandon, though virgins usually aren’t a whole lot of fun.
9) Cleopatra. Probably disappointing in actual practice – the archaeological recreations have not been kind — but you still get the huge name recognition and plenty of bling to boost once you are done polluting the Nile. Watch for snakes.
8) Louise Brooks. Yes, I know you don’t know who she is yet. Allow me my educational moment, from the movie “Pandora’s Box”, where she’s discovered by a man’s fiancee, and rises from him like a triumphant alley cat in heat. Yowza.
What you are getting here is the finest actress of her silent movie generation, only no one will learn that for another 30 to 40 years. You’ll also be walking in the path of dozens, if not hundreds, of Hollywood’s A List, and if it was good enough for Bogart and Chaplin, who are you to argue for bigger breasts? Just tell her to take the role in “Public Enemy” with Jimmy Cagney when you are done, because the world would have just been better with her taking the grapefruit.
7) Sylvia Plath. There is such a thing as taking one for the team here, gentlemen. When you perform this mission, you’ll be depriving untold numbers of gloomy women their emo fuel. Sure, Morissey’s numbers are going to take a hit, but with great power comes great something or other.
6) Eve. A great choice if you like ‘em all-natural and utterly devoid of modern corruptions like feminism and a lack of crippling self-hate from causing the expulsion of mankind from Paradise. The lesson, as always: women ruin everything. I’m betting she was hot, though. Watch for snakes.
5) Leni Reifenstahl. If you liked Kate Winslet as The Hot Naked Nazi in “The Reader” you’ll love the original, who was intelligent, rather fetching in an Aryan athlete way, and perhaps your single best way to stick it to the Nazis. It’s like you are using your powers for good.
4) Marilyn Monroe. You’re not saving her, but maybe you are keeping Joe DiMaggio from becoming a freak and John Kennedy from becoming a corpse. Also, I’m suspecting that you’ll enjoy yourself, for some reason.
3) Yoko Ono. Another team building activity, but with a lot of payoff. You save the Beatles, prevent the world from hearing her “music”, and given the amount of tail that John Lennon had access to, probably wind up with something to tell the grandkids about. Bring earplugs.
2) Julie Newmar. Unspeakable dancer body, probably fun afterwards (seems to have a sense of humor and brain), the first fantasy of millions (raises hand), a Method Actor (in other words, your freaky fantasies are go baby go) and you can keep Lee Meriwether out of the movie. (It’s still OK if she gives the third season to Eartha Kitt, though. No need to deny the world that purr.)
1) The Virgin Mary. No, not before Christmas — there is such a thing as going to Hell too soon — but afterwards. Hear me out on this. Her old man is really old, and probably a little scared off after the whole Divine Cuckolding; he’s easy to lose. Then, you move in to comfort and protect, and make friends with the kid. And since He’s got to honor his parents, that means you’re getting the Golden Ticket to the afterlife, where you will be officially known as the worst guy there, which means you’ll be laughing your ass off for all eternity. It’s foolproof! Just watch for snakes.
follow guyism:
Other Stories You Might LIke
Top 10 new WWE characters
Top 10 things I demand in my sports podcast
Top 10 threats to sports blogging
comment on this story
blog comments powered by Disqus