April 22, 2009 6:30 am

Top 10 songs for your funeral

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A recent story out of Great Britain shows the rise of pop music being played at funerals. Credit or blame for this one goes to those dread non-religious people, who tend to exit without the traditional hymn, but on some level I’m calling shenanigans on this. It’s one thing to say that you’re playing ACDC’s “Highway to Hell” for your outro, but quite another to actually have it done, just because people generally don’t go for offending anyone in the surviving family. But what the hey, maybe there are enough bitter spouses burying their own and delighting in the fact that this is goodbye, both in this world and the next.

The most popular song? “My Way”, which just seems to be a little silly when you consider that’s more Frank Sinatra’s way than yours. But that’s why I’m writing a list today, so who am I to argue?

10) “Yakety Sax,” by Boots Randolph. If there’s a better way to go out than to have large breasted women running around while small old bald men get tapped on the head, I don’t know it. (And special props to the WWE for inspiring us all, really…)

9) “The Liberty Bell,” by John Philip Souza. Better known as the theme music to the old Monty Python’s Flying Circus television show, this one is brief, bombastic, and gives your guests the dream of seeing your coffin implanted into the ground by a giant disembodied foot.

8) Lou Reed’s “Metal Machine Music.” 64 minutes of unlistenable feedback, perfect for the misanthrope who wants to go out with one last blaring middle finger raised. Make it part of your will, that whoever wants to collect has to wait it out. Good times!

7) The Masters theme music. Let everyone think of bright spring days, their own Amen Corner, your utter golf dorkdom, or your need to discriminate against women and minorities. Nothing quite says White Man With Money as going out this way, right?

6) “Hurt”, by Johnny Cash, covering a Trent Reznor song. Have you lived too long and seen too much? Share the pain and give them your empire of dirt. Cheery!

5) “Hit ‘Em Up” by Tupac Shakur. Perhaps the most infamous battle rap ever recorded, and a really exceptional choice if you are going for the easily offended move. Besides, everyone wants to go out as the first step in a string of homicides, right?

4) “Freebird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Serves the two-part purpose of identifying yourself once and for all as an unrepentant redneck, and also will make everyone present swear that your service was the longest ever. Lord, I Can’t Change! (By the way, the exact same approach can be used for Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven”, but only if you use one of those rare live versions with the 20-minute drum solo.)

3) “My Ding A Ling” by Chuck Berry. Hey, we needed one for the necrophiliacs in the crowd, and this relentlessly awful novelty song and unforgivable sole #1 hit for the man who might have been the father of rock and roll will do the trick. Go out puzzling them all, really.

2) “Der Ring des Nibelungun” by Wagner. Opera’s most overblown work might take over 15 hours to perform, which might mean it’s not very feasible for your passing. Besides, equating your passing with the entire cycle of life might seem like overkill, but not to you, right?

Oh, and if you just want to cheat and play just “Ride of the Valkyries”, that’s acceptable, but only if you can arrange to have the surrounding countryside strafed by military helicopters. I love the smell of death in the morning!

1) “Party at Ground Zero,” by Fishbone. Hey, why be morbid? It’s just death is all. Make it a party. With bitchin’ horns.