7 video game icons that teach bad lessons to kids
Jason Schreier
We’ve all heard politicians talk about how video games are a terrible influence on children. It’s totally true: without video games, kids would never be rude or violent or sexually active—they wouldn’t even know how. Some of the gaming world’s most iconic characters are teaching our children awful lessons, and this needs to stop right away.
7 Kirby – Spitting out your food
Trying to feed your kid broccoli but he just keeps spitting it out? Blame Kirby, the rotund pink creature that spends all of his time eating things and then vomiting them on monsters. Children are easily influenced, and when Kirby says that it’s okay to chew your food once and then spit it out, they’ll do it. And let’s not even get started on bulimia.
6 Donkey Kong – Bullying
Children would never bully each other for no reason, so there’s only one explanation that makes sense: Donkey Kong. Watching this brutish ape throw barrels at plumbers and crocodiles is sure to make even the most timid child want to pound his chest and start hitting things. Why else would kids fight one another at school?
5 Guybrush Threepwood – Piracy
This lovable animated rogue is also a swashbuckling pirate that spends his days pillaging, stealing, and harassing women. Of course, the Monkey Island series doesn’t want you to know that — they want kids to grow up and think that pirates are friendly and cool. So when your child decides to start insulting strangers while dueling them with swords, don’t say we didn’t warn you to stay away from video games.
4 Sonic – Speeding
Sonic the Hedgehog is all about going fast. You know what happens when you go fast? Car accidents. Kids look at Sonic with his cute little red sneakers and cool attitude, and they think, “Whoa I want to drive fast too!” Then they die.
3 Mario – Brotherly favoritism
How many younger brothers in the world have been treated like sh-t because of Mario and Luigi? We try to teach children that brothers are equal, but Luigi is cast aside and trivialized in every game he shares with his big brother. What kind of message does that send to our kids? Little brothers don’t matter? Only the older son deserves to be in the spotlight? Mario should be ashamed of himself.
2 Sephiroth – Dressing up like a goth
Final Fantasy VII has many problems, but worst of all is its antagonist, an angsty pretty-boy named Sephiroth who dresses up in a black leather trench coat with a giant sword. Kids don’t understand why it’s not okay to wear clothes like that, so they take after Sephiroth and dress up like those annoying goths that hang out at the mall. Next thing you know they’re killing Ancients and creating clones of themselves in a flawed, but brilliant attempt to reach the Promised Land and achieve spiritual transcendence. Congratulations, now your child is a god.
1 Solid Snake – Terrible, pseudo-intellectual plots
So your kid just wrote a long, boring novel about double-agents, secret organizations, and the global scale of Western imperialism? You can put the blame on Solid Snake, legendary soldier and spy who spends most of his time caught in a quagmire of a story filled with nanomachines, betrayal, and clandestine conspiracies. Metal Gear Solid makes children think that it’s okay to write stories that make very little sense, using out-of-the-blue plot twists just to shock viewers into thinking they’re good. Sad.
follow guyism:
Other Stories You Might LIke
7 times when it’s okay for a man to cry
9 things you need to stop sharing on Facebook
50 photos of people with bad tans
comment on this story
blog comments powered by Disqus