5 songs that should be officially retired from the big screen

Matthew Shepatin

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We love it when a filmmaker can integrate a pop hit so beautifully into a scene that it results in an iconic, unforgettable cinematic moment. Margot Tanenbaum stepping off a bus in slow motion to Nico’s wistful version of These Days. Michael Madsen slicing off a cop’s ear while dancing to Stealers Wheel’sStuck In The Middle With You. Wiseguys getting brutally whacked to Layla’s piano coda. But too often a song functions in a movie or trailer as lazy shorthand for an audience, who apparently are too stupid to know which emotional response to have on their own. As we navigate our first summer movie season of the 10s, we picked five tracks that should be barred from any movie sequence, trailer or commercial. Don’t fret, Hollywood. We have a batch of less-obvious tunes for you to ruin instead.

5 George Thorgood, Bad To The Bone
Why it should be retired: It’s hard to imagine a time that this jokey blues number ever connoted genuine malevolance, but it did an impressive job of convincing us, in the opening scene of John Carpenter’s 1983 horror flick Christine, that the Plymouth Fury coming off the factory assembly-line was evil incarnate (And it wasn’t even a Toyota.) But, over time, the song became a parody of bad-assery, it’s unmistakable opening chords serving as a cue to audiences that somebody cute and harmless — a freckle-faced ginger kid, a mischievous animated chipmunk, or a pre-teen, pre-blow Lindsay Lohan — was about to go all Glen Danzing on us. Even James Cameron wasn’t above making the same lazy joke, as in Terminator II, when he played the tune to explain that the menacing killing-machine of the first movie was now a metallic softie who delivered one-liners in a hilarious Austrian accent. To this fully-denegrated ditty, we say hasta la vista, baby.

Alternative track: Entrance, Grim Reaper Blues
Between tortured screams and vicious guitar noise, the singer tells us, “the Grim Reaper. He’s a friend of mine.” We don’t necessarily believe him but we believe he believes it, which is infinitely more disturbing.

4 Peter Gabriel, Solsbury Hill
Why it should be retired: The lengths that movie studios will go to sell any crap movie as heartwarming, comical and uplifting is gross. But the over use of this lovely, care-free song, especially in trailers, is particularly egregious. At this point, it’s become such a cliche that it could turn The Shining into a feel-good dramedy. Don’t believe me, just watch this terrific trailer here.

Alternative track: Paul Simon, Duncan
Like Solsbury Hill, this early Simon track is an up-tempo ballad driven by snappy, acoustic strumming. With a similar theme about an ordinary man on a heroic journey, it too manages to feel both epic and intimate. The difference is that it hasn’t been used to death.

3 Sigur Ros, Hoppipolla
Why it should be retired: It’s gorgeous, hypnotic and used entirely too often. Filmmakers, advertisers and movie marketers, for the sake of the children, can’t you please find another piece of ethereal music to play in the background? And while you’re at it, how about canceling any atmospheric, downbeat, twee versions of ’80s chart-topper. Our embattled masculinity thanks you.

Alternative track: Here We Go Magic, Tunnelvision
Little-known songwriter Luke Temple proves that a song can conjure up a hazy, romantic wonderland without making you fall asleep. In a perfect world, some visionary indie director would make him his Mark Mothersbaugh. In an inhumane futurescape, he would be forced to come up with airy grandeur that will then be used to score commercials for Cadillac, and trailers for big-budget tripe trying to pass for a smart, moody thriller.

2 AC/DC, Highway to Hell
Why it should be retired: Every time I hear this song used in a movie, my eardrums are on a highway to hell. Don’t get me wrong. AC/DC, you rock, and we salute you. But this song is all about unleashing the devil inside, or else getting loaded on cheap cans of beer, and shouldn’t be used for obvious gags in toothless comedies like Wild Hogs and Little Nicky, to pump up lightweight action flicks like Percy Jackson & the Olympians and Iron Man 2, or, dear God, as a musical number on Glee. In fact, I’m calling a moratorium on all AC/DC songs in pop culture. Leave Angus be.

Alternative track: Scorpions, Hit Between The Eyes
Who cares if it’s not as as well-known? That’s a good thing. It’s got the pulse-pounding momentum, the screams-from-hell vocals, and with lines like, “You never argue with a loaded .45″ you know the screen character is on a highway to hell without having to spell it out.

1 The Ramones, Sheena Is A Punk Rocker
Why it should be retired: Sheena was a punk rocker, now she’s a real estate agent in Secacus, New Jersey. At sixteen, she lived in an East Village dump with a guy twice her age. She drank lots of whiskey and did lots of cocaine. Now, she’s into fresh carrot juice produced at her local organic green market, and fun, sassy Drew Barrymore films like Whip It! in which the punk classic Sheena Is A Punk Rocker suggest that the activities taking place by these pretty, white, small-town girls — like roller-derby — are indeed edgy and rebellious. Could it get any less punk than that? What’s that? You have a clip of the song remade for Gossip Girl? Cover thine eyes.

Sheena Cover on Gossip Girl