Blazed Movie Reviews: ‘Battleship’

K. Thor Jensen Contributing Writer, Entertainment

Follow @kthorjensen More from K. Thor Jensen >

Hasbro Studios

I can’t smoke pot at home anymore because I have kids. So I do it at the movies.

There was really no other choice for a new movie to see while stoned this week but Battleship. What To Expect When You’re Expecting would send me into a K-hole and if I saw Hysteria (the Maggie Gyllenhaal flick about vibrators) I wouldn’t be able to stop laughing. So here we are with Universal’s long-delayed nightmare based on a board game that literally no one was asking for.

Seriously, ask yourself this: has a single person that you talk to on a regular basis said to you “Man, I can’t wait to see Battleship?” I mean, unless you hang out with super-obsessive Rihanna fans or something, in which case you have your own problems. No. Nobody wanted this movie to come out. Even Universal delayed it for almost a year. I read a pretty funny thing on my phone that said that they made this movie in order to avoid a $5 million penalty that was in the contract with Hasbro if they optioned a property and didn’t make it into a movie. So they spent $200 million on this total flop to avoid spending $5 million. No wonder this country’s so messed up. We can’t even do math anymore.

Oh, right, the movie: it’s dumb. Super, super dumb. As dumb as you’d expect a movie based on a board game to be, if not dumber. Here’s what happens: aliens invade for some damn reason, but they only send five ships, maybe because they realize that a society that would spend $200 million on a movie based on a board game is so dumb that they could beat us with that. And then things get really stupid.

Okay so here’s why it’s like the game – when the aliens land around Hawaii they put up a force field that’s a perfect square! For… some reason. And then their missiles look just like the pegs from the game. I literally couldn’t stop laughing in the theater the first time I saw one. Everything about this movie is so dumb. Even the explosions are dumb. Rihanna is a horrible actress by the way in case you were wondering. All she does is yell “It’s a hit!” when we hit an alien with a missile.

This movie is just so stupid. There’s a whole thing at the beginning of the movie about stealing a microwave burrito that is supposed to be funny or something but it just made me want a microwave burrito. The thing is, I don’t have a microwave at home so when I want a microwave burrito I have to wrap it in foil and cook it in the oven instead. Do you know how long that takes? Read the package sometime: forty-five minutes. I could make a real burrito in that time, or watch half of Battleship. But why would I do that?

Aliens in movies are always dumb. The only smart aliens were in Independence Day: blow up the White House first thing. Go full Osama on that bitch. The aliens in Battleship just splash into the Pacific Ocean and… hang out. They’re barely even threatening. What are they going to do, steal all of our pineapples? Stop us from filming another season of Lost? Actually that would suck, die aliens. Die Rihanna. Die Peter Berg. Die everyone.

Disclaimer: I fixed all my typos and grammar mistakes but left in all the other dumb stuff I said.