Blazed Movie Reviews: ‘Evil Dead’

K. Thor Jensen Contributing Writer, Entertainment

evil dead Blazed Movie Reviews: Evil Dead

Sony Pictures


I can’t smoke pot at home anymore because I spilled bongwater on a demonic book. So I do it at the movies! This week: the remake of the gore classic Evil Dead.

Guys guys guys guys guys: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE STONED. That was f-ing horrible. What was I thinking? I am so dumb. Holy crap I am so dumb and I got so sick to my stomach. I’m not a wuss for gore or anything but this was really not the best choice I’ve ever put on my good choice chart.

So I bought weed from a new dude because my old dude is out of town for a while and now that weed is legal here people are going a little goofy. Lesson one: don’t smoke new weed for the first time before you see a movie with lots of gore in it. I literally felt nauseous from the moment the first trailer started playing, and that’s not good.

Evil Dead‘s story is pretty simple: a bunch of Hot Teens go to a Cabin In The Woods and die. The twist that the remake provides is that Mia (Jane Levy) is brought to the cabin because she’s trying to detox from heroin the hard way. So when her geeky friend reads a couple pages from the Necronomicon and she starts losing her mind, everybody just thinks it’s the drugs. Junkies imagine all sorts of things!

But of course she’s not imagining anything. A demon tree gets up in her business and then she turns nasty and starts dispatching her friends in increasingly grisly ways. There’s no CGI gore in this movie – it’s all done the old-fashioned way with tons of rubber and liquid – and that makes it way more unsettling. The effects are horrifically realistic. Sure, you don’t give a crap about any of the characters, but who cares? What happens to their bodies is enough.

I went outside when the movie ended and I barfed and I felt bad about it because I know a lot of people who work at the theater and I didn’t want them to have to clean it up, so I went to the bathroom and filled up my soda cup with water and tried to sort of rinse my barf down off the sidewalk into the street and after about four cups I got most of it so I went home.

See this movie. It’s a good horror movie. But see it without chemical assistance.

Disclaimer: I fixed all the typos and grammar errors but left everything else in.

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