Blazed Movie Reviews: ‘The Collection’

K. Thor Jensen Contributing Writer, Entertainment

collection Blazed Movie Reviews: The Collection

Freestyle Releasing


I can’t smoke pot at home anymore because my kids will sell me to a torture master. So I do it at the movies! This week: The Collection, which is the sequel to The Collector made by some of the Saw guys.

Watching a horror movie when you’re high can go in one of two directions. If you’re on a good trip, you’ll be able to laugh everything off and just roll with it and it can be a pretty good time. But if you’ve got some malignant weed in your system, it can put you on a really negative hell ride to anti-utopia. That’s what happened to me last night at The Collection.

This movie starts at an Illegal Teen Rave. When I was an illegal teen we didn’t have raves, we just went out to the quarry and pounded crappy beer and smoked crappy weed and hated our lives, but this was in the Pacific Northwest and there was no sexting. Illegal teens today have a lot more money to throw parties in huge warehouse clubs. And then they all also get chopped to bloody smithereens by a huge lawn mower thing. Pretty gross.

From there, we transition into the “one person against a house full of tortures” kind of thing, with a twist. The heroine, played by the pretty cute Emma Fitzpatrick, survives a variety of grisly fates while the team of mercenaries sent in after her doesn’t. Normally I’m cool with watching dudes explode into fountains of gibbets and guts, but something about The Collection just made me nauseous. I’m sick of all these green-lit dirty torture rooms with bugs under glass and sharp objects anywhere.

One of the worst feelings is knowing you have to barf and not being able to barf. It’s kind of like trying to JO when you’ve drunk a lot of whiskey and you can’t cross the border and finish the job. It’s frustrating and makes your whole body feel bad. This movie is sort of like that. It’s always fluffing you with gross stuff but there’s no real sense of climax, just a oozy burbly chafing that won’t go away. I don’t think you should see this movie.

Disclaimer: I fixed all the spelling and grammar mistakes but left everything else in.

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