Blazed Retro Movie Reviews: ‘Friday The 13th’

K. Thor Jensen Contributing Writer, Entertainment

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Paramount

I’m not going to get high and see Ice Age 4. I have standards. So there’s nothing good opening in theaters this week, which kind of put a damper on a Blazed Movie Review for the week. Then, at 3AM, there was a huge thunderstorm where I live. This doesn’t happen often and I live with two kids, two dogs and a superstitious wife, so once I had everybody calmed down and back in bed it was too late for me to go back to sleep. So I decided to watch a movie.

Since it was now officially Friday the 13th, I blazed up and watched the original movie in the franchise, from 1980. It’s amazing to think that this movie is over 30 years old, but I’m going to admit something here: watching it high and screwed up from lack of sleep while lightning and thunder rage outside is really scary.

The thing with this movie is, as iconic a character as Jason Voorhees is, he’s barely in this movie. The killer is his mommy. What is up with horror films and killer mommies? My mom did some pretty screwed up stuff to me but I never thought she was going to put an axe in my brain. Anyways, it’s Mama Voorhees who kills a bunch of teenagers at Camp Crystal Lake with axes and stuff. I don’t know if you know this about me, but I live in a rural location. Lots of trees, not so many cops. So if some crazy broad decided to go knife crazy on me and mine, she’d probably get away with it.

This is still a really good movie. It’s scarier because it looks cheap, like people could have actually died because the film quality is so bad. Horror movies try to fake that stuff now but it doesn’t work. When I was a kid these movies were actually scary because people thought they were made by legitimately sick mentally ill perverts. Now they’re just Hollywood cash-ins.

The best bit in this movie is when we see Jason for the first and only time, near the end, in what is basically a dream sequence when he floats to the surface of Crystal Lake. That’s him above. Look at him. What a freaking dweeb.

Disclaimer: I fixed all the typos and grammar mistakes but kept everything else in.