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7 movie characters who should have been arrested

7 movie characters who should have been arrested

  • 7 movie characters who should have been arrested

    movie character degenerates

    Summit Entertainment

    People in movies do things that the rest of us can’t do – they fly, they ride dragons, they travel back in time, they bang Megan Fox – and sometimes that even extends to the world of the law. Occasionally, a movie character will do something outrageously illegal only to get away with it completely. It’s to these secretly degenerate characters that this list is devoted. Now, I’m not including characters who broke the law in obvious ways and then were chased by the cops. No, these are all characters who somehow got away with the things they did without anyone even bothering to call the cops. These seven characters didn’t have to worry about judges or manacles or, well, anything really because somehow, someway, they all got away with not just breaking the law, but demolishing it. -Neil Bulson

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  • 7 Doc Brown – 'Back to the Future'

    Everyone loves Doc Brown. He’s smart, he’s goofy, and he’s always willing to help a friend travel through time in order to ensure that his parents bone at the Under the Sea Dance. Now that’s a good friend. But in real life, Doc Brown would probably be rotting in some dank cell in Gitmo. I mean, let’s just look at the facts. First of all, the dude experimented extensively with Plutonium, which you have to figure is a genuine national security risk. I’m guessing the feds wouldn’t be too cool with the idea of some crazy old man monkeying around with potentially nuclear components. But even worse than that, Doc Brown got his supply of Plutonium via illicit deals with Libyan terrorists. Uh... yeah. In real life, Doc Brown would be rounded up by a SWAT team, fitted with a black bag over his head and flown to some super-secret military tribunal. And I’m guessing the cops would also probably have some questions about the nature of Doc’s relationship with Marty McFly. I mean, come on, he’s an old man whose only meaningful relationship is with a teenage boy. Plus, he even admitted that his time traveling experiments had the potential to destroy the entire universe by disrupting the space-time continuum. Hell, he’s damn near a super-villain.

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  • 6 Joel Goodsen – 'Risky Business'

    Sure, it’s great that Joel was able to find the confidence to stand up for himself, and hey, everyone sure is proud of him for hooking up with that hot older lady, but generally people frown on the idea of a teenage boy running his own whorehouse. Usually that will get you at least a stern talking to from the fuzz. I’m sure it gave him a great story for his college application essay and I’m sure that he was able to talk himself into the idea that a women who’s probably slept with a thousand different dudes was capable of being satisfied by his virgin wang, and hey, I’ll even grant you the impossible and say that he was able to emotionally deal with a relationship with a hardened professional hooker, but none of that takes away from the fact that the dude was running whores out of his parents’ house. Admittedly, that’s some impressive entrepreneurial zeal, but the last time I checked, that’s pretty frowned upon. Even in the blue states.

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  • 5 John Hammond – 'Jurassic Park'

    According to Jurassic Park, it’s perfectly okay – legal, even – to buy your own private island and then conduct weird cloning experiments with the aim of resurrecting giant lizards capable of destroying humanity and then turning that island of terror into a friggin’ theme park. Hey, why not? In real life, I’m guessing that about a dozen different governments would have invaded John Hammond’s disturbing little kingdom and had him dragged away. Hell, forget about arresting him, they would have had the dude killed. I mean, you can’t ignore the facts – this crazy old dude was breeding monsters. Do you think the cops would be okay with you trying to breed dragons in your backyard? I’m guessing probably not. Oh well, at least no one got hurt. Oh wait...

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  • 4 Edward Cullen – 'Twilight'

    One of the greatest atrocities committed upon mankind by the Twilight films is that they have convinced a whole generation of girls (hell, women of all ages to be honest with you) that the Edward/Bella saga is the height of romance. But here are the facts – Edward, a near 100 year old vampire, falls in love with a high school chick and then proceeds to stalk the shit out of her. He follows her around everywhere, watching from the shadows and he even breaks into her bedroom every now and again like some sort of creepy weirdo and somehow everyone is cool with this, which uh... what the hell? Leaving aside the fact that Edward, you know, drinks blood and has the urge to eat Bella (and I do mean actually eat her, not, well, you know...), which I’m guessing the local authorities would frown upon, he’s still an obsessive stalker who worms his way into a teenage girl’s life and turns her into an emotional basket case. Even more ridiculous, her dad is the chief of police! In real life, he and his buddies would have dragged Edward down to the station, cuffed him to a chair and beat him with batons until he agreed to leave town. Oh well, I guess her dad is just thankful that she’s not off screwing the local wolf pack. Still, you’d think Edward would at least be the recipient of a restraining order or two.

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  • 3 The Entire Delta Tau Delta Fraternity – 'Animal House'

    Yeah, it was fun watching the Delta house get revenge on those smug assholes from Omega Theta Pi, but in real life every single one of those dudes would have ended up in prison. Why? My God, just watch the movie. At the very least, they would have all been charged with something like Mayhem just for what they pulled off during the parade at the end of the movie. (Quick side note: is there anything cooler sounding than being charged with “Mayhem”? That’ll get you some street cred for sure.) Shit, if that happened today they’d probably be charged with terrorism. Let’s not forget the various bouts of destruction of property, Bluto running around like a peeping Tom, blatant theft and impersonating dead people for the purposes of getting laid. (Not sure if that last one is technically a crime but it’s still pretty shady, right?) Special degenerate points go to young Pinto for trying to bone the underage daughter of the damn mayor. Sure, it was all in good fun and in the end, the good guys won, but in real life the bad guys from Omega are usually the guys in charge and I’m guessing they would have locked the whole Delta house up and thrown away the key.

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  • 2 Lewis Skolnick – 'Revenge of the Nerds'

    Lewis raped a lady in the moon room during the Homecoming carnival. Frame it however you want, but that’s what happened. If you don’t agree with me, look at like this – imagine what would happen if during a costume party, you saw a girl go into a room so you stole her boyfriend’s costume, pretended to be him and then had sex with her. As soon as you pulled your mask off, she’d be blowing the shit out of her rape whistle and screaming for help and you know it. And that’s just the worst thing he did. Let’s not forget that Lewis also organized an event which saw him and his fellow nerds storm a sorority, terrorize the hell out of the girls and then plant cameras all over the house so they could then violate the poor ladies’ privacy whenever they felt like it. In real life, Lewis would be all over all sorts of sex offender lists and he probably wouldn’t be able to live within 100 yards of a school or even allowed to interact with women without the presence of a social worker. Sure, Betty was kind of a bitch, but generally “Hey, she was a bitch, your honor and I wanted to have sex with her because she was pretty hot” doesn’t fly in court. And I haven’t even talked about how Lewis and the gang completely corrupted young Wormser, who looked like he was no more than twelve years old. They plied him with booze and weed, and... man, Lewis was kind of a complete degenerate, wasn’t he?

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  • 1 Luke Skywalker – 'Star Wars'

    Luke Skywalker was a terrorist. There. I said it. Deny it all you want, but search your feelings, you know it to be true. Really, the whole Rebel Alliance was one big terrorist network, dedicated to overthrowing the Empire at all costs. I mean, they were sending poor Bothan spies on suicide missions, they were bent on the assassination of all important imperial leaders and they even resorted to blowing up the Death Star not once, but twice, in the process killing thousands upon thousands of innocent support staff and, presumably, the wives and children of all those Storm Troopers. In real life, Luke and the gang would be hiding in caves. Then again, that’s basically what they did on Hoth. They hid out in caves while the U.S. government, er, I mean the Imperial Empire sent drones after them. I picked Luke specifically because he fits the profile of the young zealot who will do anything for “the cause” to a tee, doesn’t he? Some old priest finds him living in the desert, a poor, angry young man and then teaches him that the most important thing in the world is his religion, a mysterious thing called The Force. Luke then devotes his life to a jihad against all those who he sees to be the enemy of his new religion. Sure, sure, it would be easy to throw Han Solo on this list instead because, hell, he even admits that he’s a criminal, but at least he’s just along for the ride because he’s trying to get laid. Luke, on the other hand, is a true believer and if we’ve learned anything over the last decade or so, there’s nothing more dangerous than a true believer.

    (Originally published on December 12, 2011.)

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