7 films Hollywood never should have remade

Matt Lo Cascio

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YouTube/Paramount Pictures

The problem with Hollywood is that this list of films that should never have been remade could include 100 films. Is the problem that there is a lack of original ideas? Doubtful. Indie films continue to thrive. More likely, Hollywood execs just want to make some easy cash, keep the other suits pleased — and keep their jobs. In the process they’ve bastardized some excellent films.

Photo credit: YouTube/Paramount Pictures

7 Anything Hitchcock
It takes a really special type of hubris to think that you should and can remake an Alfred Hitchcock film. Remaking ‘Psycho’ was psycho. You think your going to do the original justice with Anne Heche? Trying to remake ‘Rear Window’ as ‘Disturbia’ with Shia LaBeouf was ridiculous, and even if judges ruled they didn’t rip off the plot, we all know they did. Remaking ‘Lifeboat’ as ‘Lifepod’? That actually happened. ‘Dial M for Murder’ as ‘A Perfect Murder’? Listen, remaking films is inevitable. Just stay away from Hitchcock.

6 The In-Laws
Alan Arkin and Peter Falk combined in this classic comedy film in 1979. The crooked-eyed Falk starred as the secret CIA agent, with Arkin as the mild-mannered dentist. Arkin gets sucked into Falk’s world and wacky hi-jinks ensue. The film was excellent and the acting was brilliant. Only those two actors could play those two roles. Until 2003, when they tried to remake the film with Michael Douglas and Albert Brooks. No offense to Douglas and Brooks, but they aren’t Falk and Arkin. No one is, which is why this never should have been remade.

5 The Taking of Pelham 123
Before ‘Reservoir Dogs’,'The Taking of Pelham 123′ had the original Mr. Blue, Mr. Green, Mr. Grey, and Mr. Brown. Walter Matthau, Jerry Stiller, Robert Shaw and Martin Balsam are fantastic in the film. But for reasons unknown, they decided to remake the film, with Tony Scott directing. The pacing was bad, they killed the ending and seriously — were we really supposed to buy John Travolta as the tough, bad guy?

4 The Time Machine
Here’s what TV Guide said about the 1960 original: “This smashing science-fiction adaptation of H.G. Wells’s famous novel has more creativity in every frame than most latter-day rip-offs have in their entirety.” Here’s what Chris Gore from Film Threat said about the remake: “I found myself glancing at my timepiece about every ten minutes of the interminable 96-minute running time of this latest tragic remake of a classic genre picture.”

3 The Longest Yard
Remember how the original ‘The Longest Yard’ was funny, gritty and emotional all at once? How Burt Reynolds was perfectly cast as jailed quarterback Paul Crewe? How it even had something to say about society without getting too pushy? It was a great film, right? Remember the remake with Adam Sandler and Chris Rock? Some things you just can’t unsee.

2 Clash of the Titans
Should a film that grosses almost $500 million be added to this list? Most definitely. Perhaps there is one good thing about poorly remaking a film that should have never been remade: the reviews. “The latest example of Hollywood’s belief that any terrible script can be made palatable if you just throw enough money and British accents at it.” Another critic said, “It isn’t a train wreck — a train wreck would be memorable.” Yeah, it was that bad.

1 Halloween
The original John Carpenter film is just about as good as a horror film can get. Jamie Lee Curtis was incredible in the film and Ebert said that it is an “absolutely merciless thriller, a movie so violent and scary that, yes, I would compare it to Psycho.” If that isn’t high enough praise, I don’t know what is. It was a film changed horror movies forever.

Unfortunately, Rob Zombie felt the need to change them again. He remade the film a few years back and it was universally panned. As one critic put it: “Revamping the influential 1978 shocker Halloween for a new generation of viewers, director Rob Zombie offers a film with more sex, more violence, no humor and zero scares.” It’s the type of film that if you won the lottery, you’d buy up every existing copy and have them burned. Yes, that bad.