The 9 most fatal flaws of beloved movie characters
Shawn Norris
We’d always like to imagine our heroes are invulnerable. But no matter how tough you are, fictional or not, odds are that there’s some quirk which will make you crumple like a drunken game of Jenga. Here are the fatal flaws of nine of your favorite movie characters.
Indiana Jones – Fear of Snakes
OK, so you’re afraid of snakes. Like deathly afraid of snakes. Why choose a profession that you will have to deal with snakes on a day to day basis like archaeologist? You know you are going to encounter snakes on that job. Hey I’m afraid of water, hmmm, I think I’ll become a life guard. This guy spent three entire movies either punching Nazi’s or exploring caves. Newsflash: Snakes pretty much only live in caves. If you loathe snakes, why not take a job down at H & R Block?
Bandit from Smokey and the Bandit – Would Never Take His Hat Off
Cowboy hats are awesome and, with the stache, I can understand why Burt Reynold’s character never wanted to remove his hat. But, man think of all the stuff you can’t do if you don’t take your hat off. You couldn’t jet-ski, , kite surf, take a swim at the Y, go four wheeling, attend black tie social event outside the state of Texas, and bungee jumping is right out of the question. You’ll never be able to bungee jump with your hat off. I understand you are a badass, but your missing out on prime activities Bandit. Maybe just sit back on the laurels of having the sweetest mustache of all-time.
Jaws – Bigger Boats
If you are going to go out shark hunting, I would think you’d want the biggest boat available. Like something along the lines of a schooner or a luxury cruise liner. And if you are dealing with a shark that is the size of a killer whale, you ought to look into bringing more than spear guns to the party. They needed a bigger boat, possibly some hand grenades, a few high powered machine guns, maybe a cannon or something. Of course, to bring all those things, they would need a bigger boat.
Citizen Kane – Bad Priorities
Rosebud? You spent your entire life killing yourself at a newspaper and all for a sled? You could have bought 800,000 sleds with the money you had. You could have bought a sled factory with your money and made yourself “Supreme Sled Commander” in charge of testing every sled on the showroom floor. You could have bought a mountain called “Rosebud Mountain” and sledded all the livelong day! No, but you had to run for President. Get your priorities straight Charles Foster Kane.
John McClane from Die Hard – Germans
Never invite unruly Germans to your Christmas party. Just don’t. From what I’ve seen, it never turns out well.
The Godfather – Not Being Able to Say No to Kids
Michael, I never wanted this for you…OK Dad, then don’t let him do it. If I wanted to start a business, I would need to go take out a loan at the bank. If the bank refuses, then I start my business somewhere else. It’s pretty self-explanatory. If you don’t want your son gunned down at a toll booth or your son to shoot your other son on a boat in the middle of the lake, then just don’t let them partake in business matters that call for illegal use of firearms or interstate fraud. And if you are going to do so, at least have the last name Kennedy.
Unrelated, this is also Gary Glitter’s fatal flaw.
Revenge of the Nerds – Being Nerds
Look, I’m all for being yourself and letting yourself blossom into the person you are comfortable and happy with, but come on. You don’t have to dress the stereotype. Ditch the pocket protectors and short-sleeve collared goof-ball shirts and maybe hit an American Eagle or something. You are leaving yourself open for being ostracized. Blend in and just be yourself and you won’t leave yourself up for wedgies and beat downs from the jocks of the world. And lose that Booger dude. I mean there is being a nerd and then there is being a dirty human atrocity that hippies who haven’t seen a shower head in 10 years would be disgusted by.
Gordon Gekko – Greed
Greed is good…to a point. Look, I’m all for grabbing cash and trampling the souls of the weak, but at a certain point, you have to sit back and take stock in life. If you have a thriving business, a penthouse suite on the west side of Manhattan and you can afford to be one of ten people in the world who have cellular telephones and have the snazziest suspenders in all the land– you should maybe just call it a day. Maybe move to the islands and eat lobster while you bang $1000 a night hookers for the rest of your days. I dunno, at some point you just gotta know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold’em.
Forrest Gump – Nothing
In the words of Kirk Lazarus in Tropic Thunder, “Check it out, Forrest Gump. Slow? Yes. Retarded? Maybe. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition; that ain’t retarded.” Forrest Gump had it all going on without even trying. Sometimes you just have to keep a dumb look on your face and tell stories at bus stops. Life is pretty easy some days.
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