7 location ideas for the third season of the ‘Jersey Shore’
Shawn Norris
Personally, I’ve become very fed up with MTV. The channel used to be about talented musicians making videos to sell records, but it has slowly morphed into a breeding ground for a generation of “look at me” people with no discernible talent, who will do anything for a camera and have no problem throwing away their self-respect for a magazine cover. Case in point: The cast of Jersey Shore.
No talent. No skills. No hair product left behind. Just a bunch of self-proclaimed Guidos/Guidettes, who only seem to enjoy drinking and dancing and fighting. And now, with talk of the current cast maybe getting too “famous” to do a third season, let’s see how committed to this premise of Guidohood a group of new people really are. Let’s start taking these people to places they wouldn’t want to live and putting them in situations that make them supremely uncomfortable. This is a list of a few places that they could put a new cast of Jersey Shore that would actually intrigue me enough to watch.
7 Chernobyl
“Woooohoooo, Chernobyl. That’s in the Bahamas, right?” Well, not quite my Jersey friends. It’s more like Six Flags, if Six Flags had been doused in kerosene and blitzkrieged by Ukrainian men with blowtorches. “Radioactive fallout” does sound like quite an awesome club, but it is actually– you know what, it’s actually the coolest club this side of Belarus. They have music there with bass so loud, it’ll make it feel like you you’re growing a third arm in the middle of your forehead. And all the drinks there glow in the dark…and you can fist pump your heart out to the shrieks of a Geiger counter. You’re so VIP that we aren’t going to let anyone else even live near you. A whole city to yourselves. You need to start glowing and represent up in here! Probably best if you “represent” with a Hazmat suit on…
6 A Brooks Brothers store
Seriously, can we not find these people some clothes that don’t make me go into seizures when I look at my television set? Now I understand that New Jersey calls for a lot more in terms of golds, sequins, neon pinks, and airbrushing, when it comes to fashion. But can we find them some clothes that normal people wear? I mean, it doesn’t have to be Brooks Brothers, but can we at least find these people a GAP or something? A little less wife-beater and spandex, and a little more sleeves and bras, kids. I just think it’d be interesting seeing them try to work at a place where people have to dress like normal human beings for a change. I’m all for style, but there’s a line that these people cross that is detrimental to fashion everywhere.
5 Amish Country
No dance clubs. No music. Nowhere to plug-in the hair dryers. Having to use alcohol in moderation? This would be like the show “Perfect Strangers,” but a hundred times funnier and in real life. Let’s see if all that fist pumping can be used to churn butter and maybe all those sit-ups will help with the barn raising. Plus, “Snooki” in a bonnet with no sunglasses and “The Situation” sporting an epic beard and shoes that may have (they don’t, but don’t tell them that) buckles on the front. It’s about to get all Scarlet Letter up in here. I feel an old fashioned shunning coming on…
4 A State Correctional Facility
Come on. How much different would the show even be? It seems like the only thing the guys do is take their shirts off and lift weights, anyway. All they do is drink, and fight, and f– you’ve seen the show. The (possibly roided-up) dudes on the show would all have a place to work out everyday (sans membership fee), and since they all end up sleeping with each other anyway, the women from the show could come for conjugal visits. And you haven’t really gotten tore up until you’ve gotten drunk off of homemade toilet wine. New experiences. New friends. New ways to get some of that pent-up aggression out (getting beat up by the guards for stealing eight cans of Aqua Net hairspray) and a head full of reasons you shouldn’t get in a fight every time you get drunk. You guys like bars, so here is a bunch of them.
3 A Night at a Musical
Let’s see how they like a world of top hats, monocles, opera glasses and paper fans. OK, it’s not that stereotypically bad (unlike the show), but I just have trouble seeing these Jersey folks fitting in at opening night at the Met. The arrogance from both sides of that fence would be suffocating. This is a chance for MTV to make them do something with their lives other than drinking at nine in the morning. Next season, make them perform in an opera or put on a play. Turn these people into good-natured theater patrons. “The Situation” in CATS! Think about that Playbill cover. Admit it…you’d be somewhat interested to see that show. “Snooki” in Les Mis. That performance could very well set musicals back a hundred years. And we could all watch it happen on MTV…
2 Working at a distillery
It could be for beer or vodka or Jagermeister — I don’t think it really matters at this point because it’s free and it’s there. Here’s the episode breakdown: One cast member would die from a euphoria induced heart attack before they even get in the building. One drowns in a vat of the liquor. One girl gets married. Another drowns in a puddle of her own vomit. And one of the male cast members is taken away in handcuffs after he makes several sexual advances on a metal still that company personnel and local law enforcement will later deem “lewd and inappropriate.” And that’s just the first day!
1 Afghanistan
Sorry. Ed Hardy doesn’t make Army fatigues, so you’ll just have to make due with what the rest of thee army gets. Lets put these folks to work and use their aggressive nature for positive gains. The men want to fight, then damn it, they can go hand-to-hand combat with the terrorists. The women always say they want to find a man to take care of them. Plenty of Army men to choose from. And you know they aren’t going to leave in the middle of the night because you’re all trapped in the middle of a hostile dessert community. And dog tags mean that it’ll be way easier to get you home or to the hospital when you pass out drunk at the club. And when the Army finally pulls out of Afghanistan…well, don’t just feel you should come home right away. Take your time and play it by ear. Wouldn’t want you making any rash decisions.
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