Dexter episode recap: The Winners and Losers of ‘Surprise, Motherf–er”

Chris Spags Founder and Editor

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Despite The Onion’s article mocking the show, season 7′s finale tries to close every plot hole in recent years. Did it succeed? Let’s find out in our recap of “Surprise, Motherf–er”.

LOSER: Hannah McKay’s makeup selection

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Hannah spends the majority of the episode incarcerated for the allegations against her over the murder of biographer Sal Price. Shockingly, the Department of Corrections doesn’t have a readily available Sephora line so Hannah is forced to put her natural beauty on display. That’s probably why she bit Dexter’s lip to make him bleed. No makeup will make a woman do craaaazy things.

WINNER: LaGuerta’s crazy eyes

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LaGuerta’s eyes were bugged out in just about every scene as she continued her seemingly insane (to the other characters but not the audience) quest to prove Dexter is the Bay Harbor Butcher. But every attempt hits a dead end…a shirt covered in would-be Dexter victim Hector Estrada’s blood turns out to be from a 1973 arrest, Estrada’s wallet is covered in LaGuerta’s prints. Everyone tells LaGuerta to back off but she doesn’t. She doesn’t control the crazy eyes. The crazy eyes controlled her.

WINNER: Erik King’s paycheck for reviving Doakes one more time

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We’re treated to a series of flashbacks to when Sergeant Doakes was still alive and onto the creepiness that Dexter emanates at every turn. Given that the biggest rumored casting for Doakes since he left Dexter is an upcoming role in a potential Mortal Kombat reboot, he was probably pretty stoked to get to come back and call Dexter a weirdo a couple more times. That mortgage isn’t going to pay itself.

LOSER: Hector Estrada’s ex-wife

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Whatshername gets to see former lover Hector Estrada for the first time in decades and what happens? She inadvertently leads him into a trap set by Dexter involving a couple of kids and an errant baseball. Just like that, Estrada is back in her life and immediately back out. Love is such a fickle beast.

LOSER: LaGuerta’s massive pile of unfinished work

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After months of being ignored like cat feces in a hoarder’s house, LaGuerta tries to find her job only to immediately distract herself again with a DVD showing Deb at a gas station near the scene of the church fire in last season’s finale. Though it helped her frighten Deb into maybe giving up Dexter, 99% of the pile remains untouched and unloved. Tragic.

WINNER: Hannah and Deb’s sexual tension

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Deb hates Hannah. Hannah thinks Deb is a hypocrite for arresting her but ignoring the truth about Dexter. Just make out, you two.

The good news? Hannah is able to escape custody by faking a seizure and being taken to the hospital. The bad news? The last we see of Hannah is her leaving a plant outside Dexter’s apartment. Is she going to disappear like Lumen and many other plotlines to be forgotten? I hope not.

WINNER: Masuka’s New Year’s outfit

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Look at that thing. It’s a beautiful disaster. Easily the most notable thing at Batista’s New Year’s/retirement party (unless you’re really into Jamie Batista flirting with Quinn…in which case, I weep for you).

LOSER: Killers who aren’t liars

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Dexter uses Hector Estrada to summon LaGuerta to the shipping container for a dastardly plan under the premise that if he does as told, Estrada would be released. Dexter then tells him, “You think I’m a killer but not a liar?” before ultimately stabbing him in the heart in order to frame LaGuerta and Estrada for a shoot-out that kills them both. This new Dexter keeps it real, yo.

LOSER: “Which one will she shoot?” scenes

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Has there ever been a scene in which one character has a choice to shoot one of two people that doesn’t end in the most predictable way possible? Deb arrives at the shipping container where LaGuerta and the corpse of Estrada are currently being held with gun drawn prepared to stop Dexter from whatever he was about to do with LaGuerta. Dexter seems to accept that Deb is going to shoot him to take him out. Except Deb ends up deciding to kill LaGuerta with a shot to the heart.

Personally, I don’t blame Deb. If I had LaGuerta shouting at me like she was in this scene, I’d probably opt to end that godawful noise, too.

WINNER: Wearing clothes you just committed murder in to a New Year’s party

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Henleys and dresses with hints of Cuban blood on them are the new black as both Deb and Dexter wear the clothes they just killed Estrada and LaGuerta in to Batista’s party. Logical.

Kind of a middling end to a relatively strong season, in my opinion. I really don’t need to go on another emotional journey with Deb, especially given how predictable some of the writing seems to be when boxed in. There are some reviews I’ve seen that say the move is a series-bending one since Deb is now a killer herself. But the show has treated murder so lightly and effortlessly, not just by Dexter but by Hannah, Isaak, Quinn, the strip club manager, and countless other villains in just this season alone. So why would Deb killing an innocent woman — even if she is one who threatened Deb’s brother — be any different? It’s not a game changer as much as it is a convenient plot to push Deb to where she needs to be to wrap the show up.

I’d say the end game for the show appears fairly obvious after this season’s finale. The only possible end seems to be Deb coming to realize that the Dexter of now isn’t the brother she grew up and loved before ultimately being the one to put him in jail or a grave. And I’m sure it’ll be done reasonably well but the journey for 2013′s final season of the show just got much less interesting.

Unless Hannah comes back. Then we can all smile and pretend it was great. Done and done.

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