Everybody on Earth owns CNN for being dummies over the weekend

K. Thor Jensen Contributing Writer, Entertainment

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Cable news network sympathizes with teenage rapists, it doesn’t turn out to be a good idea. So one of the biggest stories this weekend was the verdict in the Steubenville rape trial – you know, the one where the football team perpetrators took advantage of a teenage girl when she was drunk and then took photos of her passed out naked? The two defendants were found guilty, of course.

So the right way to report a verdict like this is probably something like “OK, justice has been done, how can we make sure that a culture that allowed this kind of horrible crime can be corrected into something that respects all human beings equally,” right? Not for CNN’s Candy Crowley and Poppy Harlow. Their spin on the whole thing was talking about how sad it is that the “promising lives” of the two rapists had been “ruined.” I’m not even kidding. Here’s the video.

Okay, you know what ruined the lives of these high school football players? Raping somebody. If you don’t want to be convicted of rape, don’t rape anybody. That seems like a pretty basic life lesson. Even more hilariously, Crowley didn’t speak a single word about the actual victim of the crime and how her life was affected by being stripped naked, sexually interfered with, photographed multiple times, et cetera.

So naturally, the entire world took the opportunity to poop all over the struggling news network’s faces on social media. CNN’s Facebook page is overflowing with people calling them out for CNN’s statements and demanding an apology (in between “breaking news” posts about March Madness brackets and St. Patrick’s Day recipes), which the network does not seem willing to give. Here’s a tiny sample.

Hey, @poppyharlowcnn, these young men raped a girl. Why are you so upset on their behalf? Your coverage is bizarre. #Steubenville

— Kate Aurthur (@KateAurthur) March 17, 2013

. @poppyharlowcnn, @crowleycnn When you watch Roots, do you feel bad because the plantation owners lose all that free labor at the end?

— Jim Norton (@JimNorton) March 18, 2013

Be nice to @poppyharlowcnn guys. She’s had to watch 2 rapists be held accountable for their actions today and it’s really bummin’ her out

— RAD GOGGLES DOG (@Phylan) March 17, 2013

The funniest thing about the whole mess is that the Onion, as always, predicted it years ago. Watch this video.