‘Game of Thrones’ Season 2, Episode 5 recap

Jordan Hoffman

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“I'm Renly Baratheon and I... didn't really need to show up this week, did I?”

It was only one week ago on Game of Thrones that everyone in the Realm let out a collective WTF. If you recall, Davos Seaworth, right hand man to Stannis Baratheon, led the peculiar Red Priestess Melisandre to a cave in which some sort of hissing, misty creature emerged from her womanly area. In case you thought episode five was going to tease you along until you saw this fearsome thing again, I can assure you that is not the case.

The opening theme music is still sounding in your ears when the hideous vagina beast makes its ghostly appearance in Renly Baratheon’s tent. He is swiftly killed in front of his Rainbow Guardswoman Breanne of Tarth and Catelyn Stark. It’s a shame for our friends in the North, too, as Catelyn and Renly had just come to an agreement that seemed pretty amicable, assuming Renly and his House Tyrell backing could defeat the Lannister’s in King’s Landing.

It makes no difference now – Renly is dead and his bannermen have now pledged loyalty to Stannis. Not the Tyrells, though. Littlefinger Baelish spirits the Knight of Flowers and his sister away after he asks her if she wants to be a queen. “No,” she responds, “I want to be THE Queen.” Even still, with just one swift piece of supernatural fratricide, Stannis Baratheon looks like a true contender for the Iron Throne.

Meanwhile, things are rotting from within in the capitol. Joffrey has boxed the Queen Regent Cersei out of some of his city defense planning, but Tyrion catches wind (through his “kissing cousin” spy Lancel) that Cersei has consulted with alchemists and pyromancers to build up an arsenal of “wildfire.” Yeah, I don’t know what wildfire is either, but it sounds awesome.

Queen Regent Cersei Lannister. Hot stuff indeed.

After stumbling across a rebellious street preacher leading some townspeople in anti-Lannister rhetoric (some of it directed at himself), he pays his own visit to one of the pyromancers. Despite his salt-of-the-Earth protector Bronn’s stirring speech about the messy, unpredictable nature of warfare rendering a weapon like wildfire more danger than it is worth, Tyrion figures that if the people are calling him “Demon Monkey” he’d better get himself armed.

Over in the Iron Islands Theon Greyjoy gets ready to leave with his boat of misfits. They are hardly quick to bend the knee in his presence, and his sister shows up to make him feel even worse. He takes the advice of his first mate, Dagmer, that maybe he shouldn’t go on this POS mission his father tasked him with. Maybe he should go a-raidin’ to someplace deep north that may draw some Starks out of Winterfell?

Speaking of Winterfell, what’s going on with our young Stark daughter Arya? She’s now Tywin Lannister’s servant and, as such, she gets to eavesdrop on his war council. He’s pretty hardcore, sending one of his nephews home packing when he dares to suggest they take a break to sleep. (He’s also quick to remind him that if he wasn’t a Lannister he’d cut off his head. Mental note: drink lots of coffee around Tywin.)

Yeah, so I want young, precocious girls dressed like boys making me my tea. What, that makes me weird? It makes YOU weird for thinking it's weird.

Tywin’s quick to suss out that Arya is actually a Northerner, and he asks what people from her home village say about Robb Stark. She gushes that legend had it that he rides – and in fact turn into – a dire wolf. It spooks the old man a bit, who then asks if she thinks he is invincible. No, she says, any man can be killed. This spooks him even more.

Later, when she’s fetching water, she bumps into the prisoner she saved from the fire (Jaquen, who has an odd accent) who tells her that she’s now owed three lives. Basically, he’s her new hitman, and as a test drive she suggests he rub out the dude who was torturing people with rats last week. So now Arya doesn’t just have brains, she’s got muscle.

What’s going on up north and across the water, you ask? Well, beyond the wall two things are happening. Firstly, the production of “Game of Thrones” is doing some next level shit in terms of cinematography on television. I get so caught-up in the plot (and zings!) with these recaps that I don’t talk about the art of the show that much – but there are some images this week of bearded, helmeted men gazing off into the snow that are as gorgeous as anything you’ll see in a feature film.

Secondly, Jon Snow takes a temporary leave from the Watch for a special mission (with a grizzled dude named Halfhand) to infiltrate a turncoat who has gone native up with the Wildings and is, potentially, planning a raid south of the wall.

Over in warmer climes, the Khaleesi Daenerys Targaryen is having a swell time in Qarth. She and her handmaidens play with their li’l dragons (so cute! and one can almost breathe fire!) while checking out the gifts that the large Afro-Westerian Xaro Xhoan Daros sent her way.

Stop. Xaro time.

Later, at a party replete with colorful birds and a guest appearance from a Warlock from the House of the Undying (just wants to say hi to the Mother of Dragons and do a magic trick), XXD makes a play for the Khaleesi. He’s a self-made man, but he’s loaded. If she marries him, he’ll provide her with all the financial backing she needs to take the Iron Throne. Apparently he keeps riches beyond your wildest dreams behind a big door – kinda like on “Let’s Make A Deal.” (He’s also the first to tell her that Robert Baratheon is dead and a fight for his crown is on.)

Her advisor Jorrah (who gets his own visit from a spooky gal in a jeweled burkha) convinces her to reject the idea. She has the potential to be a great leader – a new kind of leader. One that is loved by the people. As such, she must have the backing of Westeros, not a foreigner. He asks that he be allowed to go out and find one good man with a ship to bring her across the sea. Who is this man? Greyjoy has a ship. . . is that who he it’ll be?

Speaking of Greyjoy, it took me a minute to realize that when word reaches young Bran that there’s “trouble in Torrhen’s Square” that it’s probably he and his men attacking, not the Lannisters. Either way, Bran and Maester Luwin send a few Northern troops to quell things. I have a hunch this is going to be bigger than a mere scuffle.

Bran also takes a minute to tell Osha of his recurring dreams about three-eyed ravens and Winterfell submerged in water. When he asks what people north of the wall say about ravens with three eyes, she stammers and mumbles “they say all sorts of crazy things north of the wall.” Yeah, reassuring. Why do they keep this woman around again?

The episode ends as most have done this season. On Arya Stark. This time she’s over the body of “The Tickler,” the evil Lannister torturer. She exchanges a glance with her strange and dangerous new ally.

So what the hell is gonna happen next? Lots of questions, but one thing is certain. The follow-up episode is going to have twice the nudity as usual, because this week NOT ONE PERSON got naked the entire time. A Game of Thrones first? Either way, we’ll award this week 8 Out of 10 Ominous Three-Eyed Ravens.

Photos courtesy of HBO