‘Game of Thrones’ season finale recap

Jordan Hoffman

Follow @JHoffman6 More from Jordan Hoffman >

HBO

Please, hand me a kleenex. I’ve got something. . .in my eye. . .

C’mon, don’t tell me I’m the only one who’s upset that Game of Thrones is ending its season. I feel like we just started and, more importantly, I feel like there are five hundred loose ends. How can one episode make sense of all that’s happening? Even if HBO is adding a few extra minutes to the finale, we’ve got Jon Snow above the wall, Danerys Targeryen dragon-free in Qarth, Grejoyoy in Winterfell, Arya in hiding, Bran in hiding (different hiding), Robb Stark schtupping the nurse, Stannins Baratheon defeated in King’s Landing, the Imp wounded in battle. . . and whatever happened to the vagina smoke monster?

Let’s get down to business!

We open with Grand Maester Pycelle informing a bandaged and dazed Tyrion that Tywin Lannister swooped in at the last minute to defeat Stannis. Tyrion, however, is no longer the Hand of the King. Tywin is, and he accepts this position on horseback, after his white steed leaves a giant dump outside the throne room. How he managed to teach his horse this trick is not explained.

Joffrey, acting rather regal, also gives Petyr Baelish ownership of Harrenhal. He also gives big ups to the Knight of Flowers and wonders if he can do him a solid. The Notorious K.O.F. steps forward and offers him the hand of his sister, Margery (formerly wife of Renly Baratheon.) Sansa Stark brightens at the thought of getting away from Joffrey, and Cersei urges him to do so.

Surprisingly, he agrees, and Sansa is. . .free? Baelish approaches her to offer condolences – there’s no way Sansa will actually go home. He warns that Joffrey will beat and rape her, but, for her mother’s sake, he will work to get her home.

In Baelish’s house of ill-repute, Varys the Eunuch approaches one of the prostitutes – the one that Joffrey forced to beat the other girl. He offers her friendship, in return for eyes on Baelish.

Meanhile, giantess Brienne of Tarth and Jaime Lannister are still on the road, and he continues to talk like a genuine jerk. They come across the corpses of three women, and Brienne stops to bury them. Soon three troublemakers approach, asking questions. One recognizes The Kingslayer. Brienne and Jaime deny it. The men persist and, it probably won’t surprise ya, a fight breaks out. Brienne kills the three (one of which in a particularly gruesome way.)

At Robb’s camp, Catelyn gives the King in the North a talking-to about his newfound love for Talisia. She reminds him that he’s betrothed to the fish-faced daughter of House Frey.

HBO

I’m Robb Stark and I am waaaaay to handsome to marry that chick from Season One.

“Where’s your God now?” Stannis Baratheon (still alive!) asks the Red Priestess Melisandre as he’s choking her. He seems to be okay and back home, but, man, is he pissed that Tywin and the Tyrrell forces snuck up from behind and defeated him at Blackwater Bay.

Melisandre’s got some kinda spell on him though. ”You will betray everything you once held dear. And it will all be worth it because you are the son of fire, you are the warrior of light.” Then she has him gaze into fire and he gets all spooky and agrees that one day he will be King. The music swells, so it is hard not to agree with him.

Up in Winterfell, Theon Greyjoy is having a rough night. He’s had no reinforcements from the Iron Islands and he is completely surrounded. The men surrounding the castle blow horns to drive him mad. Maester Luwin suggests he goes to the Wall to join the Night’s Watch. “I’ve known you many years, Theon Greyjoy. You’re not the man you’re pretending to be.” Luwin seems want to see Greyjoy live. Luwin’s a good guy. I hope things turn out okay for him.

Instead of listening to reason, however, Theon speaks to his men, rallying them to battle. He’s filled with more fire that Tyrion last week, and as he’s shouting “What is dead shall never die!!!” he’s killed. Boom. “I thought he’d never shut up” an Iron Islander comments. “Was a good speech, wanted to wait til he was done,” Dagmer Cleftjaw admits. Maester Luwin rushes out and, bam, he’s cut down, too. Oy, what a world!

In Tyrion Lannister’s recovery room, Varys tells him that, basically, all of his powers have been stripped. He was betrayed by the his sister (and probably his father) and, while some recognize that he was essential is saving the city, that story is being buried.

His gf Shae shows up to take off his bandages. “I’m a monster as well as a dwarf, you should charge me double,” he says, but she’ll have none of that sad sack stuff. She wants to run away with him and live a life of happiness away from King’s Landing. Tyrion confesses that outsmarting people at Court is what he loves to do. Life’s a Game of Thrones and I’m a Playa, beyotch! (Note, he didn’t actually say this.)

Elsewhere, in a secret ceremony, Robb and Talisia get married. Be honest, this is the least interesting thing about the show right now. Maybe cause Talisia always looks covered in filth, I dunno.

Over in Qarth, Danerys, Jorrah and some other dude approach the House of the Undead looking for he dragons. They walk around a tower and – poof! – somehow Danerys ends up inside. Magic!

Most girls Arya Stark’s age play with a Jack in the Box, not a Jaqen H’ghar.

On the road, Arya and her two fellow Harrenhal escapees see that the assassin Jaqen H’ghar is watching her. He gives her a coin, makes her memorize the phrase “Valar Morghulis” if she ever needs his help (it’s like Klaatu Barada Nikto, I guess) and then CHANGES HIS FACE. God knows why, if he can do that trick, he couldn’t get out of a wooden cage when it was almost on fire, but if he could none of Arya’s adventures could have happened.

Bran, Osha and Hodor stumble upon Maester Luwin, half dead under a Weirwood tree. He urges them to go North, to find Robb, then tells Osha she’ll need to protect them “maybe even against her own kind.”

Back in Qarth, Danerys wanders through the dark fortress, hearing all sorts of horrible sounds. She opens a door and finds herself in King’s Landing’s throne room – the roof ripped out and covered in snow. (Luckily, Danerys is dressed a little more warmly than when she was riding with the Dothraki – in case you were worried about her catching a bug.) As she moves further a gate opens and she is North of the Wall. Off in the snow is a tent and, inside, is Khal Drogo holding an infant!

He starts talking about destiny and true love and being together. Danerys almost falls for it, but walks back to the chamber. There are her three dragons, and the creepy sorcerer. He says that the dragons have brought back the time of magic, and that in the presence of the dragons his magic is most powerful.

Suddenly she’s chained up, but even though those dragons are just pipsqueaks they are powerful. At Danerys’ bidding, they shoot fire at the creepy bald magician, killing him and freeing the Khaleesi. Yes!

Up North, Jon Snow and Halfhand are being marched to their deaths. Halfhand urges Jon to engage in a Kirk/Spock pon faar battle. Snow kills him and the dudes with the skulls on their heads urge a quick burning (we don’t want this one coming back.) Snow earns the respect of the group and Ygritte suggests they go and meet the King Beyond The Wall.

Danerys and her dragons pounce on Xaro Xhoan Daxos (in bed with one of Danerys’ handmaidens) and demand to go see his vault. Turns out, much like Al Capone, XXD doesn’t actually have anything in there. The Khaleesi locks him and (and the handmaiden) in there like Belloq entombing Indy and Marion. Jorrah notices that there’s still lots of shiny stuff outside XXD’s vault, enough to get them a small ship to ride to Westros.

Best thing about all this? Daneyrys has three dragons on her shoulders the whole time.

We conclude north of the Wall (but not crazy north where Jon Snow is.) Samwell Tarly and two other Night’s Watchmen are shooting’ the breeze when they hear bells. Is Halfhand coming back? Wait, that’s three bells. RUN!

Of course, Samwell is fat so can’t keep up and suddenly the swirls of ice and snow are blinding him. He hides behind a rock and sees – White Walkers. Many of them. They are atrocious and fearsome. Then, a zombie horse. On it, a skeleton man with insane neon blue eyes and a crystal staff. He opens his mouth to emit a scream (or maybe that was just me) and he and his army continue on to the wall.

And then it ends.

Noooooooooo!

But it is a success. Basically, this last episode, Valar Morghulis, manages to check in on all the major story arcs and give ‘em a spin in a new direction for Season Three – something which, it pains me to say, won’t be with us for far too long.

I give this episode 9 Tone-Shifting Zombie Horses Out of 10!