Mickey Mouse's pimp hand is so strong

I don’t think I’m breaking new ground here when I say that South Park is a brilliant show. But last night’s episode, the first in its current half-season, about the Jonas Brothers and their purity rings was phenomenal.

I kind of hate the Jonas Brothers but not for the same reasons everyone else does. Their music is inoffensive and occasionally not awful, in my view. And I admire their ability to market themselves to the point where 99% of girls under 16 would give 10 years off their lives just to sniff the undercarriage of their balls (my strategy of Hello Kitty bags and a roomy van seems outdated in comparison). But I kind of hate how they monopolize all these girls and set up unrealistic standards for young boys. Like if I were a teenager and my girl were all like, “Jonas!!!” would I have had to put on tight pants and grow a cute little Jewfro for her? And then she’d be all like, “Oh, I’m saving it for that special somebody” and I’d just want to kick her in the vagina because, f it, no one’s using it anyway.

So yeah. Good for you, Mickey. I bet Minnie’s waiting at home with two black eyes too but dammit dinner is ready on time.

Note: I’m taking tomorrow off to deal with my addiction to laziness so no updates. But I will miss you guys every second. And see you on Monday.

--- Did you like this article? And you probably like contests, exclusive content, and smug commentary right? Then why aren't you liking Guyism on Facebook? Show some pride and click the "Like" button below right now: