Mickey Mouse's pimp hand is so strong

Chris Spags Founder and Editor

I don’t think I’m breaking new ground here when I say that South Park is a brilliant show. But last night’s episode, the first in its current half-season, about the Jonas Brothers and their purity rings was phenomenal.

I kind of hate the Jonas Brothers but not for the same reasons everyone else does. Their music is inoffensive and occasionally not awful, in my view. And I admire their ability to market themselves to the point where 99% of girls under 16 would give 10 years off their lives just to sniff the undercarriage of their balls (my strategy of Hello Kitty bags and a roomy van seems outdated in comparison). But I kind of hate how they monopolize all these girls and set up unrealistic standards for young boys. Like if I were a teenager and my girl were all like, “Jonas!!!” would I have had to put on tight pants and grow a cute little Jewfro for her? And then she’d be all like, “Oh, I’m saving it for that special somebody” and I’d just want to kick her in the vagina because, f it, no one’s using it anyway.

So yeah. Good for you, Mickey. I bet Minnie’s waiting at home with two black eyes too but dammit dinner is ready on time.

Note: I’m taking tomorrow off to deal with my addiction to laziness so no updates. But I will miss you guys every second. And see you on Monday.

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