8 of the most secretly crappy TV dads
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8 of the most secretly crappy TV dads
TV Land is filled with fathers both good and terrible. These guys are easily recognizable and as a society we have spent half a century either lauding them or bashing them for their fake father merits, but what no one ever talks about are the secretly crappy TV dads. Yes, these fathers are the ones who don’t seem all that bad, but thanks to their questionable parenting their kids are the ones who are likely to grow up to be the future Dahmers and Snookis of the world. It’s to these secretly awful dads that this list is dedicated, sort of an anti-Father’s Day celebration if you will. And with that, I present to you eight of the most secretly crappy dads in TV history.
Photo Credit: YouTube/Fox -Neil Bulson
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8 Jack Bauer, '24'
Sure, it was obvious that Jack loved his daughter Kim, and he proved (over and over and over again) that he would do anything to keep her safe, but simply because he was her dad, poor Kim had to endure multiple kidnappings, had her life constantly threatened, did battle with a goddamn cougar (and not the fun kind either) and was probably forced to spend the rest of her life in intensive therapy. In retrospect, she probably should have just let the cougar eat her. Then again, who knows what kind of weird fetish porn that would have inspired amongst the fanbase. Let’s face it, everybody hated Kim, but isn’t it time we all admitted that her shortcomings were the direct result of the fact that her dad, well, kinda sucked? I know it sounds heretical, but search your feelings, you know it to be true.
Photo Credit: YouTube/Fox
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7 Ward Cleaver, 'Leave It to Beaver'
Come on, the dude named his kid “Beaver.” Now that’s just fucked up. Aside from that, though, Ward was the stereotypical ‘50s dad, raising his kids in a repressed environment where sex didn’t exist and black people existed just to shine their shoes. Basically, he was Rick Santorum and while I’m sure half of you are screaming at me through your monitors right now (pssst, I can’t actually hear you) get back to me in 20 years when half of Santorum’s kids are either serial killers or strippers. If Leave it to Beaver had stayed on the air long enough, I guarantee you that eventually the Beav would have ended up blowing dudes in alleys for drug money or hassling people at the airport, head shaved, chanting Hari Krishna over and over again. That’s what happens when you show your kids a pretend world and that’s why Ward Cleaver was a shitty father.
Photo Credit: YouTube
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6 Mitch Leery, 'Dawson’s Creek'
He raised Dawson Leery, one of the most unlikable, narcissistic assbags in TV history. Enough said.
Photo Credit: YouTube/WB
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5 Herman Munster, 'The Munsters'
Sure, Herman seemed like a good dad. He loved his kids, took care of his wife, was a good neighbor, blah blah blah, but let’s look at the facts, shall we? Herman Munster was a monster, and his kids were all monsters, abominations really, and should a man really get credit for nurturing abominations? I mean, come on, chances are at least one of those kids grew up and killed a whole bunch of people because that’s just what monsters do. Do we give Ted Bundy’s dad Father of the Year awards? Hell no, so why should we celebrate Herman Munster? I know it may just seem like I am prejudiced against monsters but you don’t understand, it’s just that I’ve had bad experiences with them and the less Munsters the better, at least in my opinion.
Photo Credit: YouTube
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4 Mike Brady, 'The Brady Bunch'
Mike Brady was like Ward Cleaver on steroids. Those kids were so sheltered, there’s no way they didn’t all grow up to be fucked up in some terrible way. Just look at the daughters. Marsha was a narcissistic bitch who probably ended up with an eating disorder and a daughter of her own who she probably entered in those creepy child beauty pageants in order to boost her own waning self-esteem. Jan was vindictive and had a massive inferiority complex and probably grew up to have an eating disorder and a daughter of her own who she probably entered in those creepy child beauty pageants to boost her own non-existent self-esteem. And Cindy practically was one of those creepy child beauty pageant contestants and was probably murdered by Sam the Butcher after he chained her in his basement. And those are just the girls! You simply can’t deny that Mike Brady was one of history’s shittiest fathers.
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3 Willie Tanner, 'Alf'
How has Willie Tanner escaped public scorn for this long? I mean here is a dude who let a sociopathic alien move in with his family. It would be sort of like if your dad had let Michael Jackson move in. Terrifying thought, right? At best, growing up with a weird, wise-ass alien hanging around would cause those poor kids to have a seriously fucked up view of the world. At worst, they’d spend their adult lives gathering cats for their alien overlord after he brainwashed them into being his human slaves. Actually, that’s probably closer to the best case scenario. The actual worst case scenario is too horrifying to even contemplate without weeping. How could Willie Tanner sleep at night knowing that a goddamn monster was living in his home, eating his pets and god only know what else? If my dad would have found an alien sleeping in the attic he would have shotgunned that bastard to death and then tried to get a reward from the government, but not Willie Tanner. No, he actually adopted the beast and in the process destroyed his children’s lives. For shame!
Photo Credit: YouTube/NBC
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2 Bruce Jenner, 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians'
Do I really need to explain this one? I mean, here is a dude who just sits idly by and watches while his shrieking harridan of a wife pimps out his underage daughters to anyone with a camera and five bucks. I won’t come down too hard on him for the abominations that are his stepdaughters because those girls never had a chance with a mother like that and an OJ-defending father, but there is no defending the horror show he’s subjected his own flesh and blood to. Thank God he’s just a TV father and not a real person because… wait, what’s that? Oh. Oh, I see. If you need me, I’ll be in my shower, weeping and trying to scrub the secondhand shame out of my skin. Good God.
Photo Credit: YouTube/E!
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1 Carl Winslow, 'Family Matters'
Yes, Carl Winslow, beloved TGIF father, was a shitty dad. Let’s just look at the evidence. He not only spent most of his time berating a poor, defenseless teenage boy, he then later allowed that teenage boy to date his beloved daughter after a freak science experiment turned the kid into a goddamn sociopath. Meanwhile, his eldest son Eddie was a dullard and chronic fuck-up with a future that probably consisted of siphoning gas out of cars and then spitting the gas up into a bucket and selling it for a modest profit. But really, there’s only one thing you have to know about Carl Winslow: he was such a shitty father that his youngest daughter Judy literally disappeared and he never even noticed. Say what you will about the other fathers on this list, but at least none of them ever had their kids straight up disappear. Poor Judy would later turn up in cheap porn movies. It’s true, you can look that shit up. And it’s all because her dad didn’t care enough to even be bothered to look for her. Now that’s a shitty dad. And that’s why Carl Winslow is number one on this list.
Photo Credit: YouTube/Nickelodeon
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