Come on, the dude named his kid “Beaver.” Now that’s just fucked up. Aside from that, though, Ward was the stereotypical ‘50s dad, raising his kids in a repressed environment where sex didn’t exist and black people existed just to shine their shoes. Basically, he was Rick Santorum and while I’m sure half of you are screaming at me through your monitors right now (pssst, I can’t actually hear you) get back to me in 20 years when half of Santorum’s kids are either serial killers or strippers. If Leave it to Beaver had stayed on the air long enough, I guarantee you that eventually the Beav would have ended up blowing dudes in alleys for drug money or hassling people at the airport, head shaved, chanting Hari Krishna over and over again. That’s what happens when you show your kids a pretend world and that’s why Ward Cleaver was a shitty father.


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Sure, Herman seemed like a good dad. He loved his kids, took care of his wife, was a good neighbor, blah blah blah, but let’s look at the facts, shall we? Herman Munster was a monster, and his kids were all monsters, abominations really, and should a man really get credit for nurturing abominations? I mean, come on, chances are at least one of those kids grew up and killed a whole bunch of people because that’s just what monsters do. Do we give Ted Bundy’s dad Father of the Year awards? Hell no, so why should we celebrate Herman Munster? I know it may just seem like I am prejudiced against monsters but you don’t understand, it’s just that I’ve had bad experiences with them and the less Munsters the better, at least in my opinion.


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How has Willie Tanner escaped public scorn for this long? I mean here is a dude who let a sociopathic alien move in with his family. It would be sort of like if your dad had let Michael Jackson move in. Terrifying thought, right? At best, growing up with a weird, wise-ass alien hanging around would cause those poor kids to have a seriously fucked up view of the world. At worst, they’d spend their adult lives gathering cats for their alien overlord after he brainwashed them into being his human slaves. Actually, that’s probably closer to the best case scenario. The actual worst case scenario is too horrifying to even contemplate without weeping. How could Willie Tanner sleep at night knowing that a goddamn monster was living in his home, eating his pets and god only know what else? If my dad would have found an alien sleeping in the attic he would have shotgunned that bastard to death and then tried to get a reward from the government, but not Willie Tanner. No, he actually adopted the beast and in the process destroyed his children’s lives. For shame!


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Yes, Carl Winslow, beloved TGIF father, was a shitty dad. Let’s just look at the evidence. He not only spent most of his time berating a poor, defenseless teenage boy, he then later allowed that teenage boy to date his beloved daughter after a freak science experiment turned the kid into a goddamn sociopath. Meanwhile, his eldest son Eddie was a dullard and chronic fuck-up with a future that probably consisted of siphoning gas out of cars and then spitting the gas up into a bucket and selling it for a modest profit. But really, there’s only one thing you have to know about Carl Winslow: he was such a shitty father that his youngest daughter Judy literally disappeared and he never even noticed. Say what you will about the other fathers on this list, but at least none of them ever had their kids straight up disappear. Poor Judy would later turn up in cheap porn movies. It’s true, you can look that shit up. And it’s all because her dad didn’t care enough to even be bothered to look for her. Now that’s a shitty dad. And that’s why Carl Winslow is number one on this list.


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