Reality Insanity: 5 celebrities who shouldn’t have done Reality TV

Reality TV is what happens when networks decide the brainpower behind “The Young And The Restless” is too expensive. Executives realized that they could just feed the idiot public their own stupid bodies, in what’s basically “Soylent Green With Cameras”. Which makes it especially tragic when “celebrities” indulge: either because you don’t want to see them doing that, or because of what now counts as a “celebrity.”

1. Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Wrestling

Hulk Hogan selling himself for fake wrestling is tragic it’s not a last gasp at fame, it’s just a pay cut.

Watching Hulk coaching Screech from Saved By The Bell is like seeing Optimus Prime pull over on a streetcorner to start dealing pot. Everyone else on the show obviously needs the money: we’ve got three ex-child stars, three ex-playboy models, a Bewitched actress and someone whose only claim to fame is “related to a real famous person”. It’s the perfect cast for the first show to realise “The audience really wants to watch these people being beaten.”

Left: The amazing miniature game show host and former WCW President. Right: Jimmy Hart, who was known as “The Wimp” even when he was popular, twenty years ago.

What he should be doing: Hulk Hogan remains the most ripped over fifty not currently trapped inside Bruce Banner, even though he hired two scale model humans to stand near him every time he’s on camera. He should still be WWE’s central star – the idea that Hulk’s age is the one terrible truth that shatters the fans’ belief in wrestling? That’s like believing in Transformers until you find out Shia LaBeouf is an actor.

2. Chuck Liddell, Dancing With The Stars

We’re telling you, this time last year you would have been terrified of that man.

It’s hard to imagine a worse fate than Chuck Liddell’s, and this is a man whose best days were “Being attacked by barely-trained killers”. The ex-UFC champion started Dancing With The Stars: Lucifer didn’t fall so far, or so fast, or into such an excruciating torture pit. The knife was really twisted (and revealed to be covered in leprosy) when he was eliminated last week – meaning that a panel of independent judges have announced that Sabrina The Teenage Witch is better at some physical activities than him.

We’re fairly sure he preferred being punched in the dick

What he should be doing: He’s an ex-champion unarmed combat expert barred from his career by a judges decision and with nothing nothing to lose. The fact he hasn’t been paired with a by-the-books cop in a vital undercover investigation means at least three drug lords remain free and un-thrown-through-plate-glass today.

3. A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila

This isn’t a TV show, this is an attempt at one of those world records Guinness refuses to cover

In the first episode of her own show Tila dates thirty two people in one night – the stars of “Biggy Titty Gang Bang 17″ didn’t go through that many, and maintained more dignity during the proceedings. Miss Tequila is the odd one out on this list: with the others it’s a shame for them that they sank so low; with her it’s shame on the species that she rose so high. It’s hard to get across how cheap Tila is without giving you chlamydia. This is a porn star on MySpace who wasn’t a spambot – it was actually less expensive to have her promote herself.

What she should be doing: Tila Tequila should be studied by scientists, because if we can cure whatever happened to her we’ll evolve into a race of perfect energy beings. She’s like a plague sample of everything wrong with modern society. Failing that, she could save scientists money by helping them study black holes: tell her there’s a movie role on the table and she’ll suck them so hard she ruptures reality.

4. Jason Acuña, Armed And Famous

This could be a poster for a new Police Academy movie and STILL be better

We are not making this up: Someone decided that an Oompa-Loompa whose entire job description was “Being abused by teenage assholes, often with fish or planks, and kicking himself in the head” should be given a gun and set loose on a small town. Repeat: not making this up. Double repeat: none of it, not even the ridiculously offensive “Oompa-Loompa” bit which he did himself for Jackass.

Defend the second amendment now, we dare you.

What he should be doing: Anything but this.

5. Mr T, I Pity The Fool

For a guy, seeing Mr T doing reality TV is like the Pope finding that Lo, The Second Coming Is Become Word, And He The Son Of God Is Bagging Your Groceries. What makes it most tragic is he’s far and away the most professional of everyone on this list: he knows exactly what he’s doing, and he knows exactly how much he needs the money. There’s none of Tila’s confusion of this being real fame, none of Dustin Diamond’s insane delusion that he’ll ever be known as anything but Screech – Mr T doesn’t let a single second pass unpitied. It’s his catchphrase, it’s the name of the show, and every time he’s on screen it’s because there’s a fool in pitiable range.

This is a broke ex-millionaire fifty-seven year old who can jog into a car dealership wearing a tracksuit, on a mission to help them sell more cars for a reality show, and still pity other people.

What he should be doing: The instant time machines are invented we’re travelling back to 1984 to appear during an A-Team commercial break. “Send us your lunch money!” we’ll say, “We’ve come from the future to save Mr T!”

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