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7 weeks that would be even better than Shark Week

7 weeks that would be even better than Shark Week

  • 7 weeks that would be even better than Shark Week

    Magnus Brath, Flickr

    Why is Shark Week so great? Maybe it's because sharks are bloodthirstily awesome predators of the sea, or maybe it's just because the Discovery Channel understands their audience on a deep, primal, rows and rows of razor-sharp teeth level. Shark Week's 25th anniversary is coming up on August 12, 2012 and we thought it might be fun to envision other kick-ass weeks and what they may entail.

    Photo credit: Magnus Brath, Flickr -Jason Epstein

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  • 7 Bacon Week

    What Happens?: All bacon, all the time! This should be observed by restaurants, grocery stores and even those who don't eat pig, worldwide.

    Bacon week will have free bacon, bacon-wrapped tofu, bacon-wrapped bacon, bacon-wrapped vegans, shake 'n' bacon, paintings of bacon, bacon accessories, bacon websites, bacon news feeds, bacon ceremonies, political bacon, makin' bacon...and that's only the beginning.

    The Aftermath: Everyone needs to take a breakon from bacon...for about a week before we return to bacon normalcy.

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  • 6 Meme Week

    What Happens?: This should follow Shark Week's awesome programming schedule with Meme-umentaries (think Scumbag Steve, Pedo-bear, Derpina and More: Where are They Now?), a special on the psychology of what causes us to meme, meme captions as read by popular celebrities and of course, the Memies: a yearly meme award ceremony.

    The Aftermath: We lose IQ points and the ability to relate to one another on a normal, human level.

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  • 5 Kid Week

    What Happens?: This isn't about celebrating children (who are really only good at eating sugar and tripping over things fall-down-and-go-boom style), it's about remembering our inner child and letting it run free. I'm talking about bouncey houses, carnivals, cartoons, PB&J'wiches, eating cake for breakfast and ice cream for dinner, playing hide-and-go-seek and building palatial pillow fortresses.

    The Aftermath: Life seems so bleak and worthless after having kid-fun for an entire week that as we end Kid Week we'll have to begin Depression Week.

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  • 4 Restaurant Week

    What Happens?: Okay, this one is actually real. During Restaurant Week a magical thing happens: you get to go to all those hoity-toity places that normally have no problem charging you a solid $10 for a side of asparagus or $40 for an 10 oz. steak entree (that's a family of eight's worth of $5 foot-longs, son!) and you actually get to eat a good, multi-course meal for around $25-35.

    The Aftermath: You return to regular life, far fatter than before. Regularly dining on fast food doesn't hold a candle to all the fatty foie gras, buttery pastries, booze-laden cocktails, salty consomme's and sugary confections you've just ruined yourself with.

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  • 3 60's Week


    imgur.com
    What Happens?: Love and drugs for all! Let's party, do a bunch of psychotropic substances (we would never try if it weren't for the hippie mob-mentality peer-pressure) and have lots of free-love orgies!

    The Aftermath: You are hit with the cold, harsh reality of unplanned pregnancies, mouth sores, chemical addiction and the impending doom of mustache and shag-rug filled 70's Week being upon us all.

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  • 2 Work From Home Week

    What Happens?: Everyone stays home in their pajay-jay's and uses their own computers, Internet connections and phones for work.

    The Aftermath: No one except for those who already work from home actually get anything done, so Work From Home Week is banished, never to return again.

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  • 1 Sharks with Laser Beams Attached to Their Heads Week

    What Happens?: All the same stuff that happens during Shark Week, but with an Austin Powers-ian twist where the SHARKS HAVE FRICKIN' LASER BEAMS ATTACHED TO THEIR HEADS, (Mr. Bigglesworth)!

    The Aftermath: Most of the documentary crews are slaughtered by the sharks and their head-mounted laser beams, so the programming isn't actually that good. Also, since sharks have now evolved to the point that they have laser beams attached to their heads it may mean the end of life as we know it, so enjoy your freedom while you can!

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