Before you get all huffy and emasculated (“Why is a girl giving advice on a men’s Web site? On how to be a man?! WAH! WAH!”), let me give you a behind-the-scenes look on how this list was concocted: eleven guys, three girls, ranging in age from twenty-two to ]]>

Before you get all huffy and emasculated (“Why is a girl giving advice on a men’s Web site? On how to be a man?! WAH! WAH!”), let me give you a behind-the-scenes look on how this list was concocted: eleven guys, three girls, ranging in age from twenty-two to fifty-one, all consuming cold beverages on a Sunday afternoon. Each point was discussed, dissected, nodded at proudly, and amended with stories—including one of a man-boy shitting the couch. But that tale is for another article. So go ahead, call me sexist for being a kind, blonde soul and doling out some advice. Or just jerk off to a picture of the chicks’ shiny tits in the sidebar, release some pent-up rage, and hear me out. The most popular points of what to know before you’ve reached the big 3-0.

8 At least one amazing meal
Let’s start with a sad fact: That metabolism is going to catch up with you. We know twelve dollars worth of Taco Bell and Angus Burgers are am-azing. You have to kind of start caring about what you eat and not depending on fast food for every meal. Next point: Wining and dining is not a myth. Getting that special friend revved up for play starts with some good eats. Sure, you can drain your wallet at the nearest Olive Garden and toss her some free, stale breadsticks while whipping out your cock. Or, you can put together that meal you’ve perfected and look like a total, oh-so-manly pro. Cooking can be fun (not like, “Wee!” fun, but like, “Wow, I made this and it actually tastes decent” fun). Props to the men who can make the best breakfast.

7 Not dressing like a douche
Don’t feel obligated to don a suit, tie, and freshly shaved face. Just ditch the khaki cargo shorts (they’re flesh-colored, need we say anymore?), tell your collar to settle the f-ck down, and banish the shiny, neon, chest-hair-showing, label-screaming, rhinestone-y-shit. You’re getting old. No one wants to see that. Dressing like a sexy D.I.L.F. will take some practice knowing what you’re comfortable in and probably the hand of a good woman who knows what WWD stands for.

6 Basic car maneuvers
Do you have to deem someone else responsible while attempting to parallel park? Does your forehead become damp at the prospect of backing into tight spot? (Everything about that sentence made me squirm—in a good way.) My last car was covered in duct tape for a reason. But the men we chatted with swear that a dude who becomes flustered by a three-point turn deserves a shameful sigh. Practice your skills in a nearby church parking lot like I let my 13-year-old sister do when I was baked in high school (probably why she’s a much better driver than me). Or just do what I did and move to a public transportation-infested city so no one has to become a victim of your awful depth perception.

5 Liquor
Kick off this key stepping stone to manlihood by memorizing a staple cocktail — Manhattan, anyone? Sure, Ice Houses were never really rad to begin with, but they become even more socially unacceptable in general as everyone around you gains, um, success. Manhattan (or dry martini) mastered? Well, look at you, you elegant dick. Try tackling the challenge of learning to hold your liquor next. Puking your innards out is only permissible at bachelor parties, behind closed doors, and when you become a famous alcoholic novelist. Proceed by knowing how to open a bottle of wine, and not cringing when popping a bottle of champagne.

4 Defusing a situation
There comes a time in every man’s life where getting his finger bitten off in a bar after starting a brawl is not tough. Nor is having your girl bust you out of jail (even though back in the day that was so punk rock). Be that guy everyone loves: “No, no, no, let’s calm it down everyone,” he says, glowing, as two backwards-cap wearing “Ivy League” dogs bark at one another outside of the pub. Women swoon at the sidelines, on looking guys kick the dust on the ground, wishing they could be as stoic as you.

3 Technology/sex etiquette
This category includes the following: A) Realizing the appropriate cut-off time for a booty-call, B) Texting to turn on (and thus, not repulse), and C) Learning to seduce via Skype sex. It’s the age of new media. Get with the times, kid. Some dudes disagreed with me on the video chat sex bit, but let me just say this: Get a girlfriend, travel for business, enjoy coaxing said woman into unleashing her inner Internet porn persona. We all have them in there somewhere. And hey, it’s free.



One overriding consensus under this point: Texting dick pics = Meh. You’d be better snapping a shot of your hair looking especially cute, because I’m really wanting to pull it right about now.

2 Changing a tire — and a diaper
We’ve met women who have actually fallen in love with guys who have nonchalantly changed a tire in an end-of-vacation crisis. Hooray for independence and having the know-how to solve a problem! Feel as comfortable changing a newborn’s soiled, gag-inducing diaper as you do that tire? We’ll be sure to drink to your high level or modern manliness. If you want the future mother of your children to take care of all that shit for you while you run around and mow the lawn and scratch your balls, consider becoming one of those sex tourists in Thailand. But first you should make some cash money. We hear you’ll have a lot of competition with other damaged-ego white dudes. We also hear their food is cheap, spicy, and delicious! Mmm!

1 Oral sex
Okay, okay totally biased. (I’m actually transparently biased on everything, but you guys still want to read my shit and virtually befriend me, so whatever.) You know I already care about spreading the good word on getting a girl off. Great, fulfilling sex is just the launching pad for a click-your-heels-at-the-end-of-the-day sort of life. And it all begins down there. And maybe this point is a metaphor for mastering the art of being more considerate of others. Morality and great oral? Anyone?



Originally published on November 8, 2010.

Oh, man, the summer TV season. It’s like they don’t want me to go outside. Do you remember when we were kids, when all the networks just said “F— it” ever summer and loaded the schedule with A-Team reruns because they figured people had better things ]]>

Oh, man, the summer TV season. It’s like they don’t want me to go outside. Do you remember when we were kids, when all the networks just said “F— it” ever summer and loaded the schedule with A-Team reruns because they figured people had better things to do when the weather was nice than watch TV? Those days are gone, we’re all fat and horrible, here are the premiere dates for this summer’s shows, with commentary on a selected few.

Workaholics – May 29, Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m.

This show is super uneven but when it’s funny, it’s one of the funniest shows on TV. Here, watch this clip.

Did you laugh? Good, we can still be friends.

MasterChef – June 4, Fox, 9 p.m.

Hi, my name is Gordon Ramsay and I’m on every show on Fox! Also I have a sex dwarf apparently.

Rizzoli & Isles – June 5, TNT, 9 p.m.
Franklin & Bash – June 5, TNT, 10 p.m.

I always get this confused with that Disney cartoon Phineas & Ferb but apparently it’s a law show with Zack Morris? I dunno, man. Not interested.

Royal Pains – June 6, USA, 9 p.m.
Necessary Roughness – June 6, USA, 10 p.m.
Comedy Bang Bang – June 8, IFC, 10 p.m.
Bunk – June 8, IFC, 10:30 p.m.

Pros: shows are based on funny podcasts. Cons: shows are on IFC, the network that thinks Portlandia is funny. Could go either way.

True Blood – June 10, HBO, 9 p.m.

At this point you know what to expect from this show. Tits, blood, convoluted plotlines, people acting idiotic. It’s perfect TV.

Dallas – June 13, TNT, 9 p.m.
Burn Notice – June 14 USA, 9 p.m.
Suits – June 14, USA 10 p.m.
Falling Skies – June 17 TNT, 9 p.m.

This show is actually pretty good. Kind of The Walking Dead but with aliens instead of zombies.

Futurama – June 20 Comedy Central 10 p.m.
The Newsroom – June 24, HBO, 10 p.m.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force – June 24, Adult Swim, 11:45 p.m.

This show has been on for eleven years. Can you even imagine a world where that is possible? Go back in time and tell your 2001 self (who is stoned and watching this show) that Aqua Teen Hunger Force will last more seasons than Friends.

Anger Management – June 28, FX, 9 p.m./9:30 p.m.
Wilfred – June 28, FX, 10 p.m.
Awkward – June 28, MTV, 10:30 p.m.
Louie – June 28, FX, 10:30 p.m.

We don’t deserve a third season of Louis C.K.’s brilliant show, but we’re getting it anyways because God loves us.

Brand X with Russell Brand – June 28, FX, 11 p.m.

I don’t know what this is but I’m pretty sure I won’t like it.

Weeds – July 1, Showtime, 10 p.m.

The last season of this show tanked hard in the ratings, so I wouldn’t be surprised to see Weeds finally burn out with this, the eighth season. If it ends in any way but Nancy Botwin being shot in the head, I’ll be pissed.

Episodes – July 1, Showtime, 10:30 p.m.
Web Therapy – July 2, Showtime, 11 p.m.

Both of these shows star people who were on Friends, and both of them are pretty funny.

The Closer – July 9, TNT, 9 p.m.
White Collar – July 10, USA, 9 p.m.
Covert Affairs – July 10, USA, 10 p.m.
Damages – July 11, DirecTV, 10 p.m.

Breaking Bad – July 15, AMC, 10 p.m.

Final season. Where exactly do you go after you blow Gus Fring’s face off? I have no idea, but then I’m not a genius who makes up awesome TV shows about science teachers cooking meth.

Hell on Wheels – August 12, AMC, 9 p.m.
Boss – August 17, Starz, 10 p.m.

What are you going to watch? Be honest. I won’t judge you.

Bronn says Flame On!

I say Penultimate, you say Episode! Penultimate! Episode! Penultimate! Episode!

If you are hep enough to come to Guyism.com you know that the crap always hits the fan during the second-to-last episode of the season. And tonight’s Game of Thrones, “Blackwater,” was ]]>

Bronn says Flame On!

I say Penultimate, you say Episode! Penultimate! Episode! Penultimate! Episode!

If you are hep enough to come to Guyism.com you know that the crap always hits the fan during the second-to-last episode of the season. And tonight’s Game of Thrones, “Blackwater,” was no exception.

Neil Marshall, the auteur behind the best things-go-bananas-in-a-specific-place horror film of the past ten years, The Descent, was absolutely the right choice to film Stannis Baratheon’s naval siege on King’s Landing. This is also the first episode written by George R.R. Martin since season one’s “The Pointy End.” (Which is cool and all, but shouldn’t he be busy, you know, working on the next book in case he drops dead?)

Anyway: the Siege!

We open on Stannis’ ships, the sailors looking pensive at best, nauseous at worst, the music ominous. Davos Seaworth jaws with his son, Matthos, reminding him that the Capitol’s walls have never been breached by the sea. The young man, however, has faith in his captain, in the Lord of Light and in the one God.

On the other side, Tyrion Lannister is unable to sleep. Luckily his ladyfriend Shae is there to ease the passage of time. (If ya know what I mean.) Queen Regent Cersei, gazing out the window and drinking wine, shoos Grand Maester Pycelle away, but not before he gives her a phial of Nightshade – a sleep aid, or, perhaps, a painless poison. It is implied she can slip it in her own drink if the Baratheon siege goes poorly.

Elsehwere in the city, Bronn and his Watch sing drinking songs and cavort with whores. The Hound comes for a visit and he and Bronn quickly lock horns. Bronn, with a nubile wench on his lap, accuses the Hound of having just as much bloodlust as those he despises. Just when they are about to come to blows, the city bells ring.  ”One more drink before the war, shall we?”

Varys hears the bells and shivers – they always bring disaster, like war, a dead King. . .”Or a wedding,” Tyrion adds. Tyrion is suiting up for battle, acting surprisingly brave. Varys warns that Stannis brings with him the peculiar powers of the Red Priestess, but Tyrion seems unafraid. Varys, however, seems more than concerned about Stannis’ dealings with the Dark Arts.

The city bells can be heard all the way out by the ships, but Stannis has a comeback – drums!

HOLY SHIT THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME!

As Tyrion heads off to battle, he says goodbye to Shae (pretending he hardly knows her) who is with Sansa. She zings him, wishing him the same fate as she wishes for King Joffrey.

Joffrey acts like a big swinging dick and asks Sansa to kiss her sword. She asks if he’ll be in the vanguard, behind the lines. Clearly, he isn’t, but he won’t admit it. She tells him that her Brother Robb, of course, always fights at the front of the lines.

“A King doesn’t discuss battle plans with a stupid girl!” – King Joffrey, ever the prick.

Joffrey, Tyrion and the other big shots are overlooking the waters. Joffrey starts to whimper about not knowing what is going on, while Tyrion is clearly sticking to a well-thought out plan. Joffrey threatens to have him cut in half. “That would make me the Quarter-man,” he says. “Doesn’t have the same ring to it.”

Bunkered down with the city’s noble women in the “red keep,” Cersei decides to remind everyone that Samsa is on her first period (man, can’t this girl have some privacy?) and gives her lessons about using fear to keep the common folk in line.

Back to the battle, a ship approaches the Baratheon navy. No one is onboard and everyone is perplexed. Tyrion gives a signal and  - boom! – Bronn fires off a flaming arrow. It hits the water and ship which are soaked in wildfire. Many of the Baratheons are killed, including Matthos Seaworth. Stannis’ fleet, however, is not destroyed.

Cersei, a little drunk now, starts to pester Sansa. Who is she praying to? And why? Sansa gives her scripted answers, which annoys Cersei enough to start unloading about her miserable upbringing and broken dreams. I can only imagine Judy Garland and Cersei would have made good drinking buddies. “I should’ve been born a man,” she says.

Encouraging Sansa to guzzle more wine, she warns her that to the invading armies, dizzy with blood and ready to go a-rapin’, she’ll be “a slice of cake, waiting to be eaten.”

As Stannis’ ships draw closer, Joffrey, it probably won’t surprise you, starts to freak out. Tyrion urges Bronn to begin raining fire. With that, the beach invasion begins and blood beings to flow in earnest on King’s Landing’s shores.

As men reach the all, stones are hurled – and then the Hound leads the infantrymen out. ”Any man dies with a clean sword, I’ll rape his fucking corpse!” he shouts, outdoing even Michael Ironside in Starship Troopers for badass things to say in battle.

Back in the bunker, with Cersei saying more vile things about sex to underage girls, she realizes that Sansa’s handmaiden, Shae, seems. . .out of place. She begins to give her the third degree. Just when she’s about to put the screws to her, Lancel bursts in to say that while many of Stannis’ ships were destroyed, his men have landed. Cersei urges him to snatch Joffrey away from danger and to hide him.

On the field of battle, things are bloody and nuts. The Hound is almost killed by a flaming berserker, but Bronn saves him. As the city walls are breached, the Hound demands wine. He is a defeated man, and as Tyrion urges him to go back and fight, Joffrey has to open his damn mouth. The Hound tells him to fuck off (yay) but also abandons his post (boo.) Next up: battering rams with animal heads on them. Things are getting nuts.

As Lancel tries to yank Joffrey back to the red keep, Tyrion all but calls him a coward. The King almost seems a little bit hesitant, but, let’s face it, is pretty damned relieved. Joffrey quits the scene.

The people, however, notice. To keep the peace, Tyrion steps forward

“They say I am half a man, but what does that make the lot of you?!. . .This is YOUR city! . . Those are your women they will rape!. . .Those are brave men knocking at our door. . .let’s go kill them!!!”

It’s The Imp’s finest moment yet. I leap of the couch and grab the TV remote and hold it like an axe, ready to follow the Half Man into battle.

Lancel, back with the women, asks Cersei if he can lead Joffrey back to the fighting. The people need him, and he wants — but before he can say anything else, Cersei shoves him aside, reminding him that she doesn’t care what he wants! She runs off, freaking everyone out.

Sansa tries to keep order, lying to the other women that Joffrey is leading the battle, and starts the singing of a hymn. Shae urges Sansa to go back to her chambers, then flashes a knife saying that she’ll defend herself against the swarm of rapists.

Surprisingly, waiting back in Sansa’s room is none other than The Hound. He promises to take Sansa back to Winterfell, away from a life of killers. He speaks with a frightening urgency.

At the battle, Tyrion leads the men in a successful push. The crowd cheers “Half Man! Half Man!” Tyrion cracks a smile, then turns to see a massive horde of fighters approaching. A sword comes down on him, gashing him across the face. He is wounded, badly, but he isn’t dead.

Cersei sits on the Iron Throne with little Tommen Baratheon on her lap. She is about to offer him the phial of poison. . .but just before she does, the door busts open. It is. . . .the Knight of Flowers? Wait. . .what is he doing here?!?! And. . .more importantly. . .is that TYWIN LANNISTER? What the hell? What does he have to say for himself?

The battle is won.

The battle is won? The Lannisters won? Where did they come from? And is Tyrion okay? And. . . who will run out to Target to buy me new BVDs, ’cause I’ve completely soiled my drawers?!

I’m still in a complete state of shock over this episode, and Tyrion’s speech to his men is the greatest oratory since Henry V. Okay, maybe that’s overdoing it, but let me be in the moment. I award this episode 10 Rousing Speech-Giving Imps Out Of 10

There are some actors who are good at what they do, but they are one-trick ponies. They play the same type of part over and over. And over. Hey, good for them. Cash that check. But here we’re going to celebrate 10 actors with insane range. These actors can ]]>

There are some actors who are good at what they do, but they are one-trick ponies. They play the same type of part over and over. And over. Hey, good for them. Cash that check. But here we’re going to celebrate 10 actors with insane range. These actors can play almost any role. Seriously, we checked. Let’s begin.

10 John C. Reilly
The lovable John C. Reilly leads our list. Reilly can crack you up in roles like Dr. Steve Brule on Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job!, the hilarious Cam Naughton in Talladega Nights or Dale Doback in Step Brothers. But he can also play serious parts like he did in Magnolia, as the aloof cop trying to find his place in the world.



And the extent of his range doesn’t end with comedy and drama. Reilly was hilarious but also sang wonderfully in Walk Hard. He was nominated for a Grammy for his efforts there, and nominated for an Oscar for his work in Chicago. And of course, he dominated the Catalina Wine Mixer.



More Range: The Hours » Dark Water » Year of the Dog » The Aviator » Cyrus

9 Meryl Streep
Simply put, Streep will likely go down in history as the best actress of this generation. The list of roles that she has slayed could take up a whole Web site, let alone one article. She has been nominated a whopping 16 times for Oscars and has won the award twice. And she did it by being an actress that can playing a massive variety of roles. She started turning heads in films like The Deer Hunter, Silkwood and Kramer vs. Kramer. She showed grit in Out of Africa, Sophie’s Choice and The River Wild. And she even did guest stints on two of America’s beloved animated series: The Simpsons and King of the Hill. She’s the crown jewel of American actresses.



More Range: Doubt » Julie and Julia » Marvin’s Room » The Devil Wears Prada » It’s Complicated

8 Guy Pearce
Pearce burst onto the scene when he played Det. Edmund Exley in the film adaptation of James Ellroy’s L.A. Confidential. He followed that up with another amazing performance, this time in Christopher Nolan’s non-linear thriller, Memento. Most recently he played Kate Winslet’s husband in the HBO mini-series, Mildred Pierce. He’s also known for his turn as a drag queen in the cult classic, The Adventures of Priscilla, and for playing Andy Warhol in Factory Girl. He even appeared in a music video for the band Silverchair. The Aussie can play any type of character with any type of accent.



More Range: The Proposition » The King’s Speech » The Hurt Locker » The Count of Monte Cristo » Bedtime Stories

7 Idris Elba
Elba will probably be best known to Americans as the business savvy street thug Stringer Bell from The Wire, or from his stint as Charles Miner in The Office. He’s even played a single dad trying to get his kids back in a Tyler Perry film. Actually, that doesn’t make my point, as we have all been in one or more Tyler Perry films. But he also dominated the screen in Luther, the BBC series where Elba gets to play the flip of Stringer Bell — the crafty detective that is on a mission to crack cases. It doesn’t matter the accent or the role, Elba has mass range.



More Range: Thor » 28 Weeks Later » Obsessed » The Count of Monte Cristo » The Big C

6 Barry Pepper
No, not the guy from The Hangover. That’s Bradley Cooper and he’s not on this list. Barry Pepper might be the most underrated actor in Hollywood. He popped up on our screens in films like Saving Private Ryan and The Green Mile. Then he totally nailed the role of Roger Maris in 61* and by then he was on his way to an outstanding career. He should win awards for his portrayal of Bobby Kennedy in The Kennedys mini-series, and even played a killer cowboy in True Grit. He nailed the classic line from that film, yelling at Jeff Bridges, “I call that bold talk for a one-eyed fat man!” He did the original proud.



More Range: The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada » Flags of Our Fathers » Casino Jack » Like Dandelion Dust » Knockaround Guys

5 Marisa Tomei
Marisa Tomei is an American treasure. She’s drop dead gorgeous, sure, but she is also an amazing actress. There’s a reason George Costanza fell in love with her on Seinfeld, and we all fell in love with her in My Cousin Vinny.



But she also made your emotions crumble with her In the Bedroom role, broke your heart (and Mickey Rourke’s) in The Wrestler and made you wish you had a mother like her in Cyrus.



More Range: Happy Accidents » Danika » Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead » War Inc. » Factotum

4 Cate Blanchett
Blanchett has been nominated for 4 Oscars, and won for her amazing portrayal of Katherine Hepburn in The Aviator. She also wowed moviegoers as Queen Elizabeth not once, but twice, and played Bob Dylan in I’m Not There and killed in Notes On a Scandal. Oh, and she even made Bandits worth watching. So if you can play the Queen, Hepburn and save a film with Billy Bob Thornton and Bruce Willis, that show you have major range.



More Range: The Talented Mr. Ripley » Oscar and Lucinda » The Gift » The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou » The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

3 Christian Bale
Bale might not be the nicest guy to work with if you are on the crew, but dude can act and play almost anything. He nailed the role of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, masterfully played the Batman/Bruce Wayne combo in The Dark Knight, dropped about 60 pounds to play the sleep-deprived Trevor Reznik in The Machinist, and showed off amazing “gun-kata” in Equilibrium. He can even rock the Boston accent as he did in his outstanding performance in The Fighter.



More Range: 3:10 to Yuma » Rescue Dawn » I’m Not There » Terminator Salvation » Public Enemies

2 Alec Baldwin
“Put that coffee down! Coffee’s for closers only.” Baldwin had certainly done plenty of work before he uttered that line — and dominated one of film’s most memorable scenes — but it was GlenGarry Glen Ross that signified his arrival as a heavy hitter in Hollywood. The younger generation may know him best for his Jack Donaghy role on 30 Rock, or even his frequent stints as host of SNL. But they would do well to go see him as Old Man Dunphy in Outside Providence, the failing husband and father in Lymelife, and as the lead in It’s Complicated. Baldwin even makes Capitol One commercials fun.



More Range: The Departed » Running with Scissors » The Cooler » Path to War » State and Main

1 Phillp Seymour Hoffman
“This is our concern, Dude.” With all his outstanding roles you might have forgot that Phillip Seymour Hoffman was in The Big Lebowski. He also brought “sharted” into the pop culture lexicon in Along Came Polly.



Hoffman can make us laugh, but he has moved us emotionally in so many ways over the years. He blew us away as Truman Capote, made us cringe and laugh as Scotty in Boogie Nights and was a believable Rastafarian in Jack Goes Boating. He moved us as the helpless huffer in Love Liza, the degenerate gambler in Owning Mahowny and was as cool as they come as Lester Bangs in Almost Famous. Hoffman may have the most range in all of Hollywood.



More Range: Cold Mountain » Magnolia » Flawless » Doubt » Hard Eight



Originally published on July 26, 2011.

Good stuff from around the Web to help you through the rest of the weekend.

Australian Model April Vaughan is Ridiculously Hot Chuck Norris Plays MarioKart Alison Brie Talks About Her Naked College Coed Days

Australian Model April Vaughan is Ridiculously Hot
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Alison Brie Talks About Her Naked College Coed Days
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Hot Girls in the Middle of Nowhere (NSFWish)
The 60 Sexiest American Olympic Athletes

Katy Perry Drops Some See Through Cleavage
5 Giant City-Wide Parties You Won’t Believe Are Real
Horror Movie Hottie Julianna Guill
Nicole Kidman Looks a Little Chilly
Lucy Collett and Holly Jade Peers

2012 Eagles Cheerleader Bikini Shoot
25 High Speed Photos of Objects Getting Destroyed
30 Must-See Pictures of Nicole Scherzinger
The Great Britain Beach Volleyball Team in Bikinis
Anna Torv is a Woman We Love

This weekly feature is a round-up, in conjunction with our friend Tim over at CoolMaterial.com of the hot new products appearing online this week. From fashion tips to cool gadgets and gear, take a look at your new obsessions.