11 ridiculous mustaches every guy should sport
Max Steven Miller
We all have lofty goals: find a job we love, make a lot of money doing that job we love, start a family, retire early, so on, and so on. But let’s face it… There are not too many things that are more satisfying to a guy than growing out an absolutely ridiculous mustache. No goal is more important in the life of a guy than being able to grow and sport a completely unnecessary patch of facial hair for an extended period of time. I assure you, your life will not be complete until you spend at least a week sporting each of the following mustaches.
11 The Juan Valdez
Cultivating coffee beans is a dirty job, but someone’s gotta do it. Pay tribute to the man who gets you through work every day by growing out this Twinkie-sized mustache. Throw on a cowboy hat and ride a donkey to work for an extra touch of authenticity and some excellent gas mileage.
10 The Geraldo Rivera
This mustache is a lot of fun because it looks like both ends are desperately trying to get at your sideburns. But no matter how hard those little ends try, the much larger base of the ‘stache keeps the patch close to the warm comfort of the nostrils. A pair of beady little glasses and a helmet of hair are the perfect compliment to this little gem.
9 The Cartoon Villain
This mustache is probably best to grow out if you’re considering tying an unsuspecting damsel to the train tracks at some point in your life. It is best accompanied with a top hat and should always be stroked between your thumb and forefinger when revealing the details of your evil plan to those around you.
8 The Wilford Brimley
A must do for any old man. This mustache will not only make you look like a walrus, to the delight of your grandchildren, but it will also give them something to swing from whenever they come visit you. It also gives you free reign to completely mispronounce common diseases.
7 The Handlebar
This isn’t a mustache… it’s a statement. This little bit of hair has suddenly made you tougher than you were before you grew it. Grab a beer, throw on some aviators, hop on your hog, make your way to a tiny sports bar in the middle of nowhere, and get in a fight with six other guys. You’ll probably lose, but you’re gonna look badass doing it.
6 The Selleck
When you’re ready to cross “bang an older woman” off your bucket list, this is the ‘stache you’ll need to grow out. All women over 45 will want to call you “Daddy”. However, any women under 45 will simply call you “Dad”.
5 The Super Mario
This beauty is almost a reverse handlebar. When you grow it out, buy yourself a pair of some killer red overalls and break out your not-so-realistic Italian accent. Grab a turtle shell, shout “It’s-a me, Mario!” and toss it at a friend’s head. I guarantee the results won’t be the same as in the video game, but it’ll be hilarious nonetheless.
4 The Inigo Montoya
Also known as the “Revenge ‘Stache”. This mustache comes with a lot of responsibility. Once you grow it out, you must devote your entire life to tracking down and killing a person who wronged you early in your life. Do your best to come up with an over the top Spanish accent; otherwise your repetitive catch phrase will run the risk of becoming annoying rather than endearing.
3 The Porn Star
This dirty little ‘stache is only a good idea to grow out if you have something other than your face that might catch a girl’s attention. It’s a risky move, but it’s also incredibly ballsy. Pun completely intended. Works best with a double chin, a mullet, and chest hair straight out of the seventies.
2 The Colonel Sanders
This mustache is best worn when trying to reassure people that you are just plain crazy. If you need to explain an outrageous incident you were involved in, it’s time to grow out the Colonel Sanders. For example, Mel Gibson uses this ‘stache regularly as a sort of “get out of jail free card” whenever he feels the need to go on one of his racist or sexist tirades.
1 The Hitler
I highly doubt anyone would argue that Hitler was a horrible man. Well, unless your name happens to rhyme with Messy Fames. But one thing you can’t deny is that Hitler’s choice of mustache is almost as infamous as he is. Walking around with one of these babies on your upper lip will make people around you giggle like schoolgirls on a daily basis. That’s just magical.
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