14 horribly unappetizing vintage food ideas

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

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Have you ever considered making a birthday cake out of mayonnaise? How about serving prunes at a birthday party or giving your kids stuffed hearts to keep them healthy and happy?

No. Of course you haven’t. Because these ideas are stupid and, quite frankly, disgusting. Despite this incredibly obvious fact, various food manufacturers over the years have attempted to market a number of terrible food ideas to the American public. While, quite surprisingly, most of these vintage wonder foods are not available anymore, their posterity has been preserved by the miraculous powers of the Internet. Below are 14 more reasons why you should be glad you didn’t grow up in the dark ages that are the pre-1980s.

Oscar Mayer Sack O’ Sauce in a Can O’ Meat

Hot dogs in a can is a pretty bad idea in and of itself. Add in a “sack o’ sauce,” and you’ve instantly triggered my gag reflex. Also, note that the sack o’ sauce is packaged directly next to the wieners, meaning it’ll be covered in pork slime when you pull it out. Sorry, Oscar Mayer, but all the O’s in the world can’t trick me into thinking this is a cute dinner idea. (image source)

Mayonnaise cake

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve bitten into a birthday cake and thought to myself, “Hmm, needs more mayonnaise.” If this is Mrs. Filbert’s idea of a product innovation, then clearly there aren’t many brain cells hiding behind that beautiful, sexy smile of hers. (image source)

Tuna Soufflé

“Flavor only yeast can give?” Really, that’s your main selling point? The delicate flavor of YEAST? I’m sorry, but tuna barely has any business being in my sandwiches. Baking it into a soufflé and trying to mask the flavor with a bunch of yeast is hardly going to get me excited about this new autumn innovation. (image source)

The Meat Briefcase

Modeled after a hungry man’s toolkit, this ingenious product stuffs 19 different types of pork sausage into a single briefcase. As you can see, many of the meats are shaped to resemble the average household tool – from hammers and screwdrivers to wrenches and drill bits. Obviously, the idea of encasing cured meats in a novelty plastic case is pretty disgusting. (image source)

Prune Party

Nice try, prune conglomerates, but your product will NEVER be welcome at a kid’s birthday party. I’ve seen some pretty stale marketing attempts to increase the cool factor and hipness of a product, but this ad takes the mayonnaise-flavored cake. Prunes, you’ve already got the constipation market cornered – can’t that be enough? (image source)

Fish Loaf

The “loaf” is perhaps the most unappetizing food form that a meat can be in. Of course, meatloaf can serve as a passable and edible meal if done correctly. However, something about baking fish into a form that resembles a giant congealed brick just doesn’t sit right with me. (image source)

Spam spread

Let’s make one thing clear: meat should never, EVER be spreadable. I mean, just look at that pasty amassment of imitation meat. It looks like regurgitated baby food. And, nice try Spam, but the classy garnishments you added to the top of each sandwich aren’t doing anything to kick-start my appetite. (image source)

Pork party

Let’s face it, pork advertisers have an uphill battle. Marketing a product best known as the “other white meat” isn’t exactly easy. However, giving a bunch of penis-shaped pork sausages to a bunch of kids playing outside in the sprinklers is NOT the way to wet my appetite. Here’s a little piece of advice, pork people: keep the pork on the plate and off of my lawn. (image source)

Lard

I don’t know these people personally, but I can pretty much guarantee lard isn’t the reason they’re smiling. Somehow, I just don’t see anyone shoveling a spoonful of lard into his or her mouth and describing the ensuing emotion as “happy.” Lard Information Council, I am suspicious of your ability to tell the truth. (image source)

Spam and limas

Spam makes the list an impressive second time with this horrendous dinner idea. How do you make a canned meat product (that you can eat cold or hot) even less appetizing? Why, pile on the lima beans, of course! Looking at the picture, it’s beyond me why this “inspiring” dinner creation never caught on. (image source)

Body Building Dishes for Children

Okay, despite a slightly conspicuous title, this recipe book doesn’t appear outwardly gross at first glance. However, if you leaf through the pages, you’ll realize this recipe book is less of a meal planner and more of a children’s torture device. Inside, you’ll find such kid-friendly recipes as liver and potato pie, creamed salmon hominy grit ring, stuffed hearts, cabbage cooked in milk and stuffed vegetable marrow. Mm-Mmm! Now that’s what I call good eats! (image source)

Ribs in a Can

Put any meat in a can and it instantly becomes a a terrible dinner idea. However, for some reason ribs in a can seems exponentially more disgusting than canned ham or meatballs. Can you imagine popping open a metal tin and letting a mass of room-temperature meat and bones slide onto your plate? No wonder Armour isn’t around any more. (image source)

Squeez-A-Picnic

Squeeze cheese has come in a number of iterations, all of which are plenty disgusting. However, the name and packaging combo of his hideous Squeez-A-Picnic food product create a one-two punch that makes it anything but appetizing. I hate to break it to you people, but if your favorite cheese product doesn’t need to be refrigerated, then it’s not a real food. If anyone tried to ruin my good-time picnic by showing up with this product, I’d probably strangle him with the picnic blanket. (image source)

Tapeworms

Yes, there was a time in history when people intentionally ingested parasites for dietary purposes. Don’t worry, though, because the tapeworms in this stand-up product were sanitized and jar-packed for freshness – so, you know, bottoms up! Side note: Wow – that lady sure likes to eat. If you’re packing away that much food, I think you need more help than a simple tapeworm can supply. (image source)

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