20 Louis C.K. quotes to make you feel better about yourself

"If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye."
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"I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.""If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.""America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.""Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it.""A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.""I definitely look at my body and I go: 'Yuck.'""Comedians work great as actors because they're good under pressure. With a lot of actors, you have to make them feel like everything's going really well to get a good performance out of them. But, if you have a comedian on the set, you can tell them, 'Hey, you really are screwing this up,' and then they just get better.""I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.""Everything that people say is testable.""I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.""I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out.""I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.""I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.""Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'. ""Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I'm very suspicious. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd have the same solution to every issue.""I like being full, every day, with stuff that I have to do.""I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.""People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.""It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them."