7 things you never want to hear from a doctor
Shawn Norris
Doctors are weird creatures — not necessarily in a bad way, they just use information you give them as a way of narrowing down your symptoms until reaching a final diagnoses. However, sometimes bedside manner can be very important in dealing with a patient as paranoid as I am, as I tend to catch minor details so I can try and figure out what the doctor is really thinking rather than waiting for the medical jargon babbling at the end. I’ve realized that these are just a few of these phrases or sounds that occur in an office or at a hospital that you never want to hear.
7 That shouldn’t be there
This is never a good sign, as the human body is usually designed in a particular manner. Most people with arms growing out of their heads know that that arm is not supposed to be there, it’s not science it’s just common knowledge. But if you’re at the doctor and they say something like “that shouldn’t be there” when they are giving you an exam… it is a bit concerning. X-ray machines are used to show what a normal one looks like and what your looks like and that’s why you most often hear this phrase when looking at x-rays. You‘ll then be questioned as to what exactly happened: “Is that a shot glass?” or “How did you swallow a Hot Wheels Ferrari?” Always leads to uncomfortable conversation. Coincidentally, that is my worst birthday to date, as well.
6 Whispering
Maybe this is just the paranoia talking, but when I see or hear two doctors whispering or holding a clipboard over their mouth while talking about you, it freaks you out. They could be saying anything! Maybe you are really sick? This morphine is really starting to kick in. What if you somehow contracted feline diabetes from your cat? Are you gonna die? What’s with the whispering — somebody tell me what’s going on!
5 That’s odd
Doctors by nature know they human body. They spend countless hours learning how it looks, how it connects and how it generally operates. They’ve studied the human body for years, so when you come in with something they’ve never seen before–you become quite concerned. They’ve seen thousands of people before but you’re the first one with that there is not a good sign. It’s never something cool like “You’re pancreas is shaped like Delaware!” It’s always something like, “We’re going to have to run some more tests as soon as possible.” “That’s odd” means there will be just a few more tests…
4 Go in there and look around
Yeah, my body isn’t a Six Flags, so it’s probably not a good sign when someone says they want to spend a little time popping in to see what’s going on in there. It’s not like this doctor wants to see another gallbladder, it just seems that yours is broken and he wants to get into the amusement park to make sure all your rides are working properly. Exploring with tubes and cameras and scalpels does not sound like a fun day. Hearing this always means a trip to the hospital and a few days with tubes in you.
3 Boom goes the dynamite
Nope. Just as a general rule of life, stay away.
2 That looks pretty infected
If you grew up playing a lot in the woods or were raised by a colony of carnival people (or possibly wild bears), you know that cuts and breaks along with getting dirty lead to infections. Pretty infected is doctor speak for “Obviously, you should have come in a week ago when I could have easily fixed this.” Then you scream “Oh my god, am I going to have to lose the finger?” And he says “No, but were going to have to stitch it back up and give you a Tetanus shot. And you scream “Lose the finger!”
1 Sigh
Have you ever heard a person in any line of work ever let out a huge sigh and then tell you amazing news? Did Ed McMahon ever let out a sigh and then hand over a huge $10 million check? Sighing from a doctor means whatever was supposed to be working probably isn’t. Sighing is almost always a sign of bad news and can be absolutely terrifying when in the company of medical professionals of all shapes and sizes.
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