8 ways people humiliate themselves using their pets

A lot of people these days seem to live pet-centric lives, meaning that they spend more time, money and energy on raising their animals than they do engaging in anything else. Everyday a new expensive pet invention hits the market (check SkyMall for the latest) and people clamor to buy it for their pets. Doggie day spas, cat pedicures and specialty products can cost hundreds of dollars and all for something your pet is going to forget by the time you get to the parking lot. I’m not saying people shouldn’t pamper their pets, but there is a line where some people need to realize that they may be embarrassing themselves by treating their animals a certain way or making them perform certain activities. Here are a few examples of people taking part in those activities:

8 Dressing them in clothes
No matter how hysterical your cat looks in a tuxedo or how cute your dog looks in his scuba diving outfit, clothes on house pets just makes them depressed. You can actually see the humiliation on their faces in the pictures their owners take of them. If Mittens wanted to dress like she was a member of a gay barber shop quartet, she would have skipped town on the first bus to Skokie, but it seems she just wants to lay by the window where nobody will bother her and dress her up as a 1920′s cigarette girl. The picture pretty much conveys the feelings of pets dressed in costumes.

7 Making them beg for change on the street
Nobody likes a monkey dancing for nickels and shaking people’s hands on the boardwalk, and it is a bit demeaning when you think about it. Dressing him up like Jason Mraz or some sort of middle eastern cowboy and making him tip his cap while people throw dollar bills at him is no way to live. It’s the monkey equivalent of being a stripper. And then it has to shake your hand when it’s finished. You disgust m– Oh my god that one can rollerblade, here is my credit card, make him try to ramp over that dumpster!

6 Buying water especially made for dogs
I know it’s cliché but my dog drinks water from puddles, lakes, toilets, basically whatever he can find whenever he’s thirsty. He doesn’t need a $3 bottle of water made especially for dogs by so called “canine beverage aficionados.” If you have enough money to buy water just for your dog, you may want to look into a more efficient use of your resources. Maybe help a starving kid in Africa, or fund repairs in war ravaged villages, or pretty much do anything else with your time and money than buying your dog special water. Sorry Fido, maybe we’ll use the Brita but you’re getting tap water just like everyone else.

5 Making them dance for our entertainment
While it certainly seems like there would be nothing more entertaining than watching a border collie get down to Everybody Dance Now, those dogs just don’t have the canine dexterity to pop and lock to the beats of C&C Music Factory. Have you ever seen a cocker spaniel do “The Robot”? No. I tried to teach my dog to break dance (even bought him a Laserdisc version of Breakin’) and he just ended up making me look ridiculous in the preliminary round at Westminster. Dog dancing just embarrasses your dog and yourself.

4 Grooming them to look like a different animal
It’s hard enough to figure out what kind of animal you are without your insane owner grooming you into something you’re not. “Hey, I’m just a cat ignoring you and minding my own business and then, BAM, I’m a Ninja Turtle.” I’m just saying that while dogs and cats seem like they are smart and in tune with the situation, you have to remember they also drink out of the toilet and piss in the closet. It’s probably safe to say that they don’t need to add “identity crisis” to their list of reasons to loathe you.

3 Dog strollers
Buying this for your dog is like putting a sign on him that says “My name is Mr. Bojangles and I am the laziest dog in the history of the world.” It’s also saying this about the owner, “Hey, while I enjoy the thought of having a kid, I’m not quite sure if I’m ready yet so I’m using my dog as a test run for having a kid.” Look, if your dog has arthritis or some condition where he/she can’t walk, then by all means you should stroll them around and get them some fresh air from time to time, but if they have perfect good legs you’re just helping them get fat and lethargic.

2 Electric fences
Nothing has to be more confusing for a dog than to put on a new collar that seems to shock you for no reason whatsoever. Your poor dog just walks through the yard and suddenly he gets zapped by an electrical current for reasons he can’t really distinguish. I know it may be necessary under certain circumstances, but nothing is as awkward and sad as a dog getting shocked by an electric collar. How would you like it if someone did that to you? Oh that’s right, a lot of people do drunkenly embarrass themselves by putting one on and it always turns out to be both funny and embarrassing – on them.

1 Neutering them
I know it’s something that probably has to be done to make sure that a lot of animals don’t end up having to live terrible lives in the shelter, but it still doesn’t make it any easier to send your best (possibly dumbest) buddy to go get his testicles axed off. To top if off you then have to walk him around the neighborhood with one of those big cones over his head. The dog then runs around knocking into stuff, looking sad and confused, missing the fire hydrant and peeing on your shoe instead — well you kinda deserve that even if you were only neutering you dog as an act of pet responsibility.

--- Did you like this article? And you probably like contests, exclusive content, and smug commentary right? Then why aren't you liking Guyism on Facebook? Show some pride and click the "Like" button below right now: