Apparently, a burrito constitutes a deadly weapon

I had always assumed that to commit “assault with a deadly weapon” that an actual deadly weapon had to be involved. But it turns out that that it isn’t just knives and guns and lemurs that can get you in trouble, such as this teenager who got charged with felony assault for throwing a burrito.

Look at it there, so menacing but trying to appear innocent. We’re onto you, burrito.

Hernando County Sheriff’s deputies have arrested a South Carolina teen on a charge of throwing a deadly missile at a moving vehicle. That missile was a burrito, deputies said.

According to a police report, John Addie was driving his Honda when he noticed someone lean out of an approaching white Dodge and throw something. The next thing Addie knew his front windshield was cracked and he was covered in refried beans.

Addie followed the Dodge and called deputies. Deputy Scott Lamia wrote in his report the victim’s “vehicle, which was clean and in excellent condition, had a chip in the windshield where the hard object struck it. I observed the contents of a burrito to be on John’s person and his driver’s seat.

The 15-year-old was arrested on the felony charge of throwing a deadly missile Saturday afternoon and released to the custody of his father.

I’m sure it’s less than desirable to have your windshield smashed by a flying burrito, but a deadly weapon, really? I tend to define deadly weapons solely as laid out to me by already established laws as relayed through the game of Clue. Can you imagine Colonel Mustard beating someone to death with a burrito in the observatory? Even if he was able to succeed, it would have to take hours and who’s just going to stay there and take that? Pretty sure after he hit me with a burrito the first time, I’d be like “Hey, Mustard, cut the crap.”

The law confuses me though…pretty much anything can be used as a deadly weapon if you use it in the right way. Like if I encourage you to go skydiving since you’re scared but have always wanted to do it and you end up dying, my encouragement is pretty much the reason for your death. Which is pretty exciting since it’s one step closer to me being able to smite people, but that’s much less cool if I face actual repercussions.

[ABC ACTION! News (the exclamation point isn't actually in the site name, but it should be)]

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