CNN provides “5 questions to ask before penis surgery”

“Penis surgery” is a fairly nebulous and open-ended term that can refer to a lot of things. But fortunately, CNN (via The Hairpin) is here to help. Or hurt. Or help you hurt yourself. One of those.

According to CNN, you should ask:

1. Do I really need this procedure?

I’m not sure you’re treading new ground here, CNN. “Do I really need this procedure?” should be a question asked about any surgery, let alone one that has a potential to make your penis look like Snuffleufagus seeing a ghost. If you’re a guy going around getting dick surgeries you don’t need just for kicks, I both fear and respect you.

2. What are my treatment options?

This one definitely makes sense to me. You want to make sure you’re aware of your treatment options. For example, if it’s been burning when you pee and the treatment is, “Bill, stop putting lit matches into your urethra,” you should probably take that simple course of action rather than make a surgeon slice your dong open like a butterflied filet.

3. Doctor, how many of these procedures have you done?

So you’re saying I shouldn’t go up to people with no Dick Surgery Experience (TM) to get my dick surgery? Got it. My butcher’s going to be pretty bummed. He went through a lot of trouble to figure out a way to accept my HMO.

4. Will the treatment really cure my problem?

I’d certainly hope so given that such a goal tends to be the whole point of hiring any person to do a job for you. If my roof is leaking, I’d hope the contractors I hire don’t just come in and install a waterslide.

5. Should I clean up before the surgery?

“Doctor, should I try to clean my genitals in advance of the surgery?”
“WHAT!?? ARE YOU INSANE? No, if anything, you should have a filthy penis! The dirtier the better! Stick it into sewers, homeless animals, Haitians, whatever you can find!”

For more on penis surgery and you, check out CNN’s extremely helpful article.

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