This week in e-cards

You are a dear friend. And by dear, I mean skanky. And by friend, I mean slut.
Whew, that was close. I almost had to socialize.I don't need "Anger Management" classes. YOU need "Shut the fuck up" classes.Real friends don't get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed. The amazing fact is that men are so decent they look at the 10% that isn't.Oh, you model? Who is your agency? Instagram?It's amazing how far a smile and a vagina can get youA Haiku about getting out of bed: No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no noI'm not saying she's a homewrecker: But she'd fuck a dog if it was marriedIt's not that I think I'm better than everybody else. I've just never met another person as awesome as myself.North Carolina: where you can marry your cousin. Just not your gay cousin.The awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced that people actually think you are stupid.If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I just hope they segregate us by genre.Why don't you open the car door for me anymore? Probably for the same reason you don't swallow anymore.I would love to see a picture of your ugly child. But first, let me staple my eyelids shut.I am sorry my awesome sense of humor offends you. And by sorry what I really mean is fuck youTrue love is liie food. Enter with abandon or not at all. Also, it's best when it starts with oral and ends with anal.Maybe you'll have better luck finding a job if you say you're uneducated instead of talking about your degree in anthropologySorry, I just gave my last fuck to your momQ: Why are men smarter during sex? A: Because during sex they're plugged into a fucking know-it-all.Sometime, when I have to poop I think to myself "Wait, I should wait until tomorrow at work. That way, I can get paid to poop.8 am every day? I will retaliate by drinking coffee on an empty stomach and taking explosive shits for the first hour.If you're God's gift to women I hope he kept the receiptI was thinking of going out tonight because The Beastie Boys fought, and possibly died for our right to party.Money can't buy happiness. But it can buy ammo. That's kind of the same thing.Hey, I just met you and this is crazy but here's my penis so suck it maybeI don't need Facebook Timeline to tell me that being born was your single greatest achievement.Admit the Mayans were wrong about the end of the world? And waste a perfectly good excuse to party?Let's spend Mother's Day profusely thanking the women who kept our breastfeeding off national magazine coversMy Mother's Day gift to you is not deleting the embarrassing comments you make on my Facebook wall.Congratulations to Time Magazine on making motherhood look more horrifying than Time Magazine.My idea of a happy ending is one where John Travolta doesn't show me his penis.Congratulations to John Edwards and the Charlotte Bobcats on no longer being the most embarrassing things about North CarolinaSorry you live in a state that considers gay marriage more harmful than tobaccoI want to do to you what North Carolina voters just did to civil rightsI love having sex with you as much as John Travolta would have pretending to love having sex with you