Woman gets DUI for driving drunk on vanilla extract

When Coca-Cola stopped distributing its Vanilla Coke flavors, they knew they’d be ruining many Americans’ lives forever. But how much is enough, Coke, now that a Tennessee woman has been arrested for driving under the influence for chugging Diet Coke mixed with vanilla extract.

Kelly Moss was arrested after officers found her slumped over the steering wheel parked in front of a local middle school. Officers noticed half-empty (or full, depending upon your level of optimism) bottles of vanilla extract along with Diet Coke in the front seat. The nutrition information on the bottles of vanilla extract indicated that they contain 35 percent alcohol by volume. By comparison, the average Budweiser is only 5% alcohol by volume.

According to the police report, the 48-year-old Moss has slurred speech and couldn’t walk without assistance.

Moss was charged with driving under the influence and refusing to submit to a blood-alcohol test, her third DUI.

So, let that be a lesson: If you want to get drunk and don’t have any alcohol, drink vanilla extract. Oh, and, uh, don’t do that while driving. But mostly the former. Getting drunk off of household items is like being a real life MacGuyver, only with practical, world-saving skills being replaced by vanilla breath and one brain cell that hangs around playing a sad, symbolic game of tetherball in your skull.

Germantown woman charged in vanilla DUI case [Memphis Commercial Appeal]

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