Letters to the Guyism Editor with Chris Spags – Volume II

Chris Spags Founder and Editor

letter to guyism editor Letters to the Guyism Editor with Chris Spags Volume II

It’s Tuesday and that means another edition of the Internet’s most exciting and totally-never-before-done (*cough) new feature, Letters to the Guyism Editor with Chris Spags. This week, we’ll be tackling a scientific formula on how to pay back a buddy for taking a grenade for you, quitting drinking, and more.

As always, I reserve the right to edit your questions for clarity, brevity, and to make you look more literate than you are. If you entered our giveaway for the Motorola ATRIX 2, the winning question is at the bottom of this column so you have to read this entire thing to see if you won. It’s like scratch-off lottery tickets, but much less exciting.

“For no apparent reason, I decided to quit drinking. It’s only been three weeks, but I’m concerned that it’s only a matter of time before I turn into a judgmental d-bag. So how many months of sobriety does it take before someone becomes labeled as a tool?

-Keith

If you’re the type to keep things quiet, you could dodge the topic entirely and just get a water with lemon or lime in it so it looks like you’re drinking. If you’re trying to become a better person, the world doesn’t always need to know.

But if it’s a personal choice and you don’t beat people over the head with it, friends will get that and not judge you for it (though you should have a solid reason why — traumatic but not-too-traumatic stories are always good).

General rule of thumb for anything: Do what’s best for you, feel free to tell people, just don’t bring it up incessantly or you’ll look like a tool. For examples of the problems wreaked when you don’t follow this rule, see people who don’t own a TV, vegans, and anyone who shops at Whole Foods.

What is the appropriate way to pay back a buddy who takes a grenade for you? Some of my friends say it’s a 12 pack of beer, others say all drinks on the friend who you are taking the grenade for. I say it depends on what your buddy did in terms to take the grenade for you. Did he just chat her up dealing with her or did he do the ultimate sacrifice took the grenade to bed/hook up with her so his friend can bed/hook up with the hot girl?

-Ulises

Ejaculation, no matter what the situation, is its own reward, so I’d disagree that he should get a better gift for that.

Here’s a formula to adhere to, assigning a value between 1 and 10 for “Amount of Effort” and “Attractiveness of Girl) agreed upon by the group of men (and wing girls) in attendance. I’m dubbing it “The Guyism Theory of Grenade Generosity”:

grenade generosity Letters to the Guyism Editor with Chris Spags Volume II

So if your buddy put in a shitload of effort (“10″) on a girl rated a “1″ and didn’t get off, you owe him a gift equal to a “10″ in value (something nice, like a bottle of Macallan). If he got off even once, the Theory yields a zero and you should consider yourselves even. BUT if he complained about doing that for you, invoking the Guyism Theory of Grenade Generosity, AND he got off twice, that’d give him an overall Quality of Grenade Gift score of “-10,” meaning that he owes you a gift for pulling the “You Owe Me” card while still getting something substantial out of it. And he should stop being a bitch.

Perfect formula in every way.

“Does the murder rate go down in winter because it’s too hard to dig graves?

-Sean

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A black police officer intimidating three young white men...we've come so far, society!

I’m going to surprise you here: I actually did some research for this question. And while this is a very old article (published in 1952), I would assume it still holds true. So, according to an article in Northwestern University’s Journal of Criminal Law, Criminology, and Police Science:

“Crimes against persons are more numerous in the summer…crimes against property are more numerous in the winter.”

So that rules out the outdoors theory. My initial instinct is that crimes against people would be less frequent just because you’re around people less. But that’s wrong, too.

Perfect example: This past weekend in New York City was SantaCon, the annual get-together of Santas that purports to be an event to spread holiday cheer but really is just a massive glorified bar crawl. Drunk assholes everywhere passing out, vomiting, whatever. St. Patrick’s Day sees dozens of fights, arrests, domestic violence. How many people do you think are arrested at this event that got an estimated 20,000 attendees?

ZERO. Not one. That’s a pretty insane rate. And given how the holidays make white trash fight over waffle irons at Walmart, it’s not holiday cheer stopping people from acting dumb.

So let’s split the difference and say it’s a combination of holiday cheer and lack of opportunity due to more people being indoors more often. I’m also going to assume based on these facts I inferred from a 60-year-old article and one event from last weekend that all winter crimes against people are committed by Eskimos or polar bears in human suits. PROVE ME WRONG.

“How can I convince my girl to let me blow a load on her face? I’ve never gotten to do it with my exes and I’d like to be able to do it at some point in life, you know?

-Max

I’ll preface this by saying that there are few things quite as gratifying as letting one fly in someone’s face. For guys, it’s dirty, it’s sexy.

Most self-respecting women would not agree.*

So here’s what you need to achieve this goal: Either a skeezy girl who doesn’t care and fits the “kind of crazy but not a long-term prospect” philosophy OR an open-minded girl in a long-term relationship with you who understands sex logically. If you have the latter, the pitch should be, “I love you, I love sex with you, but I also want to try everything with you. I’ve never done this. Help me achieve my dream.”

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You might be horrified to learn how often Matthew Fox comes up when I discuss bukkake.

A lot of women view this type of thing as disrespectful to them, as if you dropping a batch on their forehead will somehow end with them back in the suffrage movement. So the onus is on you to make it clear that sex is like the island on LOST: What happens there stays there, even if it is the most important time in your life.

Oh and Matthew Fox will totally ruin it in the end.

*Note: There are some girls who are just kinky and will do whatever without much provocation. They’re fun, they’re great in many ways, yes. But there’s also a high likelihood you’ll find yourself fighting with her in the kitchen one day, trying to position yourself between her and the knives “just in case.”

How much should you tip the pizza guy? Also, what about Christmas/end of year “bonus” tips?

-Alan

This one can depend pretty heavily. As a general rule for me, someone who orders out a lot but usually for myself, I’d say $4 or $5 is reasonable. If you have a family and the dude is bringing twenty different things and carrying two-liters like he’s the Grinch robbing Cindy Lou Who, I’d say you can double the tax.

Bonus tips are going to vary wildly. How much do you like the person? How often to do you see them? If it’s a doorman, porter, super, or whatever, I’d err on the side of more generous than not. Tip them like you’d give a cash gift to a younger third cousin you think is really cool ($50-$100). If it’s someone you don’t have a personal bond with, a little more than average will suffice. It’s the holidays so you don’t want to be too stingy but, at the same time, if you’re seeing a cab driver once, giving him a $20 tip just because it’s close to the birth of a savior he doesn’t actually believe in is bad business.

And the winner of the Motorola ATRIX 2 is…

If Justin Bieber were to murder Kim Kardashian, thus putting an end to her disgusting media circus, would that make it morally acceptable for members of the male gender to hold a positive opinion of the kid?

-Spencer

Controversial statement time: I hate Bieber far less than I should. I know, I run this Guyism thing and I should hate him for being an effeminate media production perpetuated by lonely teen girls. But he tries to be funny, isn’t as insipidly untalented as other former teen idols (looking squarely at you, Jonathan Taylor Thomas), and he’s gotten the fine juices of Selena Gomez on several appendages.

In this country, we should salute someone achieving all those things rather than condemn them. Isn’t that what the whole #Occupy movement is all about?

And frankly, anything that brings more attention to Kim Kardashian — and, worse, her insipid and somehow even less talented sisters and mother — is something I can’t advocate. What if Kim Kardashian’s murder made her revered like what always happens after a celebrity dies? What if it led to even more Kardashian reality shows about coping with losing a loved one, an inevitable appearance from Khloe on Celebrity Rehab after her sister’s death turned her to drugs, and a redemption story?

The Kris Humphries situation has gotten us closer than ever before to having the Kardashians pushed out of our lives. We’re already about one year away from Idiocracy…let’s not risk turning one of them into a martyr to force society to regress any further.

Need life advice or want me to come up with a convoluted theory with no evidence? Maybe a question about Guyism or even a rebuttal to one of our articles? Email all of the above to guyismeditor@guyism.com and you may get them answered in this column next week! Yippeeeeeeee!

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