Letters to the Guyism Editor with Chris Spags

Chris Spags Founder and Editor

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Welcome to the inaugural edition of the very-creatively titled “Letters to the Guyism Editor.” In this new weekly feature, I’ll take your questions seeking advice, my thoughts on a wide variety of topics, and – more often than not – my rambling and snarky remarks.

To lead off this first edition, I’ll answer the question you SHOULD have: Why should I look to you for advice in this column?

I’ll answer that question with two responses: A) I need the validation and, frankly, have been so distracted with Guyism business stuff that I just miss being able to do fun content for you guys. B) I’m pretty good at life. I have an attractive girlfriend, a nice apartment in New York City, I’m at least a mediocre son and friend, and – with our awesome Guyism staff – run the leading independent men’s site in the world.

This is parody and, as a result, fair use. Don’t sue us, big scary corporation!

Plus have you seen what other advice columnists out there look like? Look to your left…that’s the Relationship Advisor for a leading men’s site (the site may or may not sound like “RaskRen” when said by a poor Scooby Doo impersonation). Does that really look like someone you should turn to for dating tips? Tips on hanging out with Jerry Sandusky and the Second Mile crew, sure. But advice beyond actions that result in a bevy of repressed memories and tears on a teddy bear? Pass.

So here we are. Your questions! I reserve the right to edit these for context, clarity, and to make you look literate.

We all know that the more drunk you get, the more attractive a woman becomes. My question is: can you consume enough alcohol that you break that and they start to become unattractive again?

-Marshall

Short answer: Yes. Particularly because your penis function can drop exponentially when a light wind blows if you’ve drank too much. So it stands to reason that you should go full circle and find someone repulsive if you believe that on some level.

Longer answer: Guys who think that women get more attractive when they drink are deluding themselves. Do your standards lower when drinking? Sure, I can buy that. But the whole “I didn’t know she was a heifer because I had so much Jager” defense is far-fetched. When you get hungry while drinking, do you go, “Man, I could eat literally any food. This pizza in the trash? Done.” No. You go, “I want ramen.” Or “I want a McGriddle.” So guys get this esoteric need for food, the most easily available thing in most countries, but not for women? Makes no sense.

Drunk guys who hook up with a husky Asian gal are doing it because they wanted an Asian gal and their standards now outwardly reflect what they feel inside, like a shroud being lifted off of you. After enough shots, it doesn’t matter if you’re driving a Toyota Celica or a Hyundai Entourage as long as you’re able to get home. And I say that having sadly hopped out of a few Hyundais in my day.

I’m painfully uncomfortable with members of the opposite sex.

-Drools in front of girls

Pro Tip: Girls aren't actually laughing at you unprovoked. Unless your pants are down. Then, probably.

Read the book The Game by Neil Strauss. You don’t have to put on feather boas, talk in riddles, or whatever after reading it. Really, the book is an example of distilling human interaction down to what we do wrong. And one thing guys do wrong the most is not just continuing to go out there and plowing using the basic idea that confidence breeds success.

So my advice? Keep fucking up with these girls until you stop fucking up. Talk to as many cute girls as possible (if you’re in a small-town, go somewhere neighboring so you don’t blow out your area). Figure out what makes you special and make sure girls are aware of that in subtle ways. Read or engage a community that specializes in this stuff (Seddit, the Reddit community about pick-up artistry is good for both the PUA-type stuff and “inner game”). But always keep plowing. Girls get hit on 1000s of times before they’re 20 so they know the game of human interaction. It’s up to you to make up the difference.

What the fuck is up with the big Guyism redesign? I signed up for it like last year and never got any news. If you guys sold my email, I’m going to be pissed.

-Some Dude

The good news which we haven’t made public is that we made a shit-ton of money selling just your email. For some reason, The Daily Black Cock Informant was really excited to find you (again?). The better news is that the redesign is nearing completion. It took longer than we wanted for a variety of reasons, most of which had to do with “getting it right.” We know what our team and our Guyism community are capable of building so we wanted to make sure we nailed it. Expect a formal announcement on this stuff coming in January or February.

Why do women worth keeping dislike hardcore porn so much? I’ve been with my wife for six years now, (two years married), and I STILL have to delete the history and clear the cookies as soon as i’m done watching porn. If I forget, all hell breaks loose.

-Rob

First of all, Rob, I’d say you have much more serious problems if you’re attempting to hide your wife from your porn. Those women you see on the Internet’s pop-up ads aren’t actually interested in the girth or performance of your penis. Sorry you had to find out like this.

It sounds like there are some trust issues or insecurity issues with your wife, though. In every relationship, if you allow a problem to go on in the beginning of the relationship, it’s impossible to correct that later in life (the same principle applies to women’s famed love of ‘trying to change a man’ after they lock him down…it’s not going to work).

So what you have is a relationship impasse. Is she worried you find these girls more attractive than her? Maybe. Is she intimidated by how dirty they get sexually compared to your relationship? Probably. But you needed to make clear to her that porn is an escape and she’s your reality, the woman you chose over all others much earlier in the course of your relationship. I’m afraid you’re stuck clearing cookies for the rest of your days. Or use Chrome’s “New Incognito Window” to browse with impunity. At least that way you’re saving some time, leaving you precious extra minutes to run a blacklight over the living room to make sure there’s no remaining evidence of baby batter.

And, drumroll, this week’s prize winner of the Liquid Flow Collection (didn’t win? Go to Liquid Flow now and use promo code guyholiday11 to save to 25% on any order):

How could anyone watching Rocky 3 seriously believe that Rocky could outrun Apollo on that beach?

-Carlos

Life According to Carl Weathers: Stew good, beach races bad.

Think about it: The concept for Rocky was obviously based on the career of Chuck Wepner, so much so that Wepner won a lawsuit recognizing that fact. And when the real life version of the character’s claim to fame is his ability to bleed profusely while being handily defeated in a boxing match (why Wepner’s nickname is the Bayonne Bleeder), Rocky Balboa shouldn’t have won a game of Super Punch Out, let alone been able to compete with a world-caliber athlete of any sort.

Also, given the racist undertones of Rocky, I could also suggest that perhaps Apollo’s natural speed was inhibited due to black people’s fear of water. Actually, that answer’s the best. Let’s go with that one.

Looking for answers to life’s questions from a moderately informed startup founder? Email questions for next week’s Letters to the Guyism Editor at guyismeditorATguyismDOTcom.

Thanks to all those who contributed questions and emails this week. See you guys next week with more!

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