Man accused of assaulting police officer with his penis

Assaulting a police officer is not okay under any circumstance. But, if nothing else, you have to salute the bravery of this Scottish man who was accused of drunkenly attempting to hit a female officer on the head with his penis. Assault with a deadly weapon, indeed.

Marium Varinauskas, 28, tried to strike the officer on the head with his penis when she was called out to his flat, but she got out of the way.

Lithuanian Varinauskas admitted a charge of assault at Aberdeen Sheriff Court and was fined £600.

The court heard he had been drinking heavily and could not remember committing the offence at his home in Aberdeen.

Fiscal depute Elaine Lynch said: “The accused got to his feet and was standing over the police officer exposing his penis and thrusting it in her face, forcing her to take evasive action to avoid getting struck.”

[Varinauskas's lawyer said,] “He has never been so drunk before that day and accepts he has to take full responsibility. He apologises profusely and is extremely embarrassed.”

I don’t know that he has to be so embarrassed. Yes, it’s not necessarily to be something proud of, but any time you have a schlong that’s large enough that it can be used in a manner similar to a wiffle ball bat or a sword being used by the Queen to knight someone, you can puff your chest out just a little bit.

If there’s anything to take away from this story, it’s A) Don’t attempt to hit an officer with your penis and B) If you’re not going to listen to “A,” at least video tape it. I can’t possibly conjure up a funnier visual in my head than the fiscal deputy’s description of a police officer dodging a penis as though it were those grey stone heads about to fall onto Mario’s head in the castle levels of Super Mario 3.

Man assaulted female police officer with penis [BBC News]

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