8 mathematical equations that explain men
Jason Epstein
Do you like math? Neither do I. It haunted me throughout my years in school, leaving a bad taste and breaking my spirit. Still, math has its uses. While not all of a man’s life can be quantified into a mathematical equation, many situations correspond perfectly with its infallible logic. This is… Manthematics!
Equation 8
Let’s start with something simple.
Here you can see that together, food and sex is a great start for the makings of a wonderful day. When beer is present (before, after and especially during) everything is enhanced tenfold and happiness is therefore achieved.
For serious, though:
Alcohol and sex are tied tightly together with risky sexual behavior, also known as “having fun.”
Also, food and sex can be enjoyed together provided you use “fun” foods like whipped cream or fruit. What I’m saying here is don’t try add some spice to your sex life by adding chili peppers into the mix.
Equation 7
Now, let’s move onto something a bit more involved.
This shows the relationship between the bodily passing of gas and the humor in it. Now, there are a couple of things to notice here. One is that not just anyone can fart around you. Two, it has to be a friend, someone whose ass you trust.
For serious, though:
Why is a fart vulgar to some and hilarious to others? It’s an age old question that may never be answered, though I could probably write an entire speculative thesis on the topic. However, the origin of the word fart can be. It’s one of the oldest words in the English vocab with Indo-European roots. Linguists, rejoice!
Equation 6
However, if this friend farts in your face, the comedy is lost and only the black stench of death remains.
This can be conveyed as follows:
For serious, though:
The odor that makes a fart in the face so unbearable is derived from hydrogen sulfide and skatole, which both contain sulfur. If your diet consists of more sulfur-rich foods like eggs, meat or cauliflower, your olfactory assault will be all the more potent.
Equations 5 & 4
How would a dinner date goes in the realm of Manthematics? A lot of that depends on who you’ve decided to take a chance on. See if you can guess which date went well.
If you guessed the first one was the one that went well then you are wrong. Dead wrong.
When a woman’s qualities are multiplied by her looks the answer is clear. And yes, a personality of zero multiplied by anything STILL…EQUALS…ZERO. Contrary to popular belief, more than just a woman’s looks go into our attraction to them. And if you didn’t believe it before, now you have to… because you can’t f*ck with logic.
For serious, though:
Men are deeper than you think, even if “you” are a guy reading this. A recent study by a dating e-magazine showed that around 65% of participants agreed that men express feelings of love first when in a relationship.
Equation 3
As we see above, the amount of beer you drink divided by the amount of time it takes to drink said beer can yield amazing results. It can amp up the sexiness of average women, give you that confidence boost you need to strike up a conversation with them and then help you find it funny instead of depressing once you strike out by slurring your words and being just another overbearing drunk dude.
For serious, though:
While “beer goggles” can help to lower sexual inhibitions and amplify attractiveness, a 2009 study showed that alcohol doesn’t interfere with a man’s ability to determine a woman’s age. Sorry cougars, we know.
Equation 2
Though this one is not an equation and falls more along the lines of logic-based arithmetic, it is one of the most important mathematical relationships in a man’s life:
For serious, though:
Frequent male masturbators have a lower probability of developing prostate cancer. So if you feel a whack attack coming on, it shouldn’t always be ignored. For health reasons, you know?
Equation 1
Now let’s take that one step further:
As a famous manthematician probably once said “The sweet ‘O’ waitheth for no man.”
For serious, though:
Recent studies have shown that sharp rises in access to pornography has accounted for a decline of rape. Finally, a reason to make internet porn a religion; it saves.
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