Michigan man accidentally shoots self in penis, makes you squirm

Chris Spags Founder and Editor

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Anti-gun advocates and lovers of healthy male genitalia alike can finally bond over a common cause: Preventing men from shooting themselves in the dong, like this poor Birmingham, Michigan man.

FOX

The unidentified 45-year-old man shot himself in the penis while getting ready for a day of work. An attempt to move a .40 caliber Glock in his pants ended with the weapon accidentally discharged square into his member.

City prosecutors are currently reviewing the case; though the man had a license to carry the firearm, he could be charged with reckless discharge of a firearm.

Birmingham Police Deputy Chief Mark Clemence told the Detroit Free Press, “The situation could have been a lot worse. You think about it — your femoral artery runs down there. He could have shot it off. It could have been a lot worse. It’s a big bullet; you’re not talking a small bullet.”

Based on Clemence’s quote, I presume that if it were a small bullet, it would have just bounced off due to the superior engineering in Michigan-made penises. Presuming Michigan penises factories weren’t adversely affected by the auto bailouts.

Either way though, how about we not charge this guy? Call me crazy, but this seems like the top of self-selective punishment that stands on its own. Really, any crime that ends in severe damage to a man’s johnson should probably just be called a wrap instantly. In fact, you should be able to wave misdemeanor penalties by allowing the courts to inflict trauma on your groin. We’re really only scratching the surface on genital injuries’ effect on repeat offenses here.