7 MTV ‘True Life’ documentaries that should be made
Alec Banks
I’m through waxing poetic about the days when MTV actually played music. Those days are long gone and have given way to the teenage uterus. Video may have killed the radio star, but horny, backwoods ugly bumpers have killed the video, too.
Even in its heyday, MTV did have programming other than music videos that was actually worth a damn. It was called True Life, and dealt with issues ranging from tragic drug addictions, to murder. In it’s thirteen plus year run they’ve aired a total of 140 topics. But after a while, it became clear that they were running out of ideas. For example, True Life: I’m Under Peer Pressure. Oh, boo hoo. It’s life, and it’s hard. You think that kid who’s complaining about peer pressure would have traded places with the girl from the very first True Life who was giving out handies for crack rocks? I doubt it.
If MTV is going to continue down this niche path of documentary profiles, I have several suggestions of what I’d like to see.
7 True Life: I kissed a girl, got herpes, and I liked it
This combines three of the most popular themes covered in True Life segments: romance, medical problems and fetishes. How could you not watch as a sheltered twenty-something entered the big city and found herself running with a ragtag group of Valtrex scoffers. Now that’s what I call good TV.
6 True Life: My Fleshlight is haunted
First, if you don’t know what a Fleshlight is, you’re lying. Gone are the days when you had to live hand to mouth, or pleasure yourself hand to Johnson. There’s a purchasable device that will do it for you! But what if an 18th century English barmaid haunted that procurer of sea monkeys? I haven’t seen a faux-vagina speak in a cockney accent in ages. I certainly want to.
5 True Life: I can’t take off my cunty sunglasses
I live in Los Angeles. While it’s home to some of the most glamorous and beautiful women around, others have hot dog faces: a hodgepodge of used parts all smashed together into a recognizable casing. Whether she’s a beauty or a beast, they all wear those huge designer sunglasses. You know the ones. They look like crop circles and completely engulf three-quarters of her entire face. I have a sinking suspicion that if they were to remove the Italian-made façade, the nose would come off a la Groucho Marx. Here’s to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet.
4 True Life: I’m Christian Audigier
I have a sinking suspicion that once you turn a camera on the mastermind behind the bedazzled Ed Hardy banner, magic happens. A man who utilizes so many mythical creatures in his designs must be a type of Puff the Magic Dragon-whisperer. Plus, it’s a well-known fact that French people are good with directions. Namely, rolling over.
3 True Life: My pants have an eating disorder
Forget the sickly thin models walking down the runway on their pretzel stick legs. The real eating disorder involves the state of men’s jeans. It’s almost as if men are wearing women’s pants, and women are wearing those high-waisted Jordache numbers from the 80’s. The humanity!
2 True Life: I only live my life according to rap lyrics
Could you imagine a person like that?
“I never sleep, cause sleep is the cousin of death.” -Nas
So he’s narcoleptic?
“I never eat a pig cause a pig is a cop.” -House of Pain
So he may or may not be a Jewish/Muslim cannibal.
“I put the pussy in a sarcophagus.” -Kanye West
Uh. He’s a sexual hoarder?
1 True Life: I’m a tramp stamp
If tramp stamps could talk, they’d probably say, “Doggystyle again? Haven’t you ever heard of reverse cowgirl?” There would be so many questions to ask them as well. How does it feel to live out life as a butterfly whose middle looks like a penis? Do you get jealous when you think a guy is looking at you, but he’s really looking at her ass? Did you know that you were born when tequila and a girl named Charmane came together in a “hold my hair” union?
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