Santa Claus robs bank to “pay his elves”

A Tennessee man dressed as Santa Claus (or Santa Claus masquerading as a Tennessee man) held up a Nashville area bank at gunpoint Tuesday, taking an undisclosed amount of money. The reason? The “giving away free toys” business wasn’t as lucrative as usual this year, forcing Santa to rob the bank in order to “pay his elves.”

At 10 a.m., police said the man, dressed in a full Santa Claus costume complete with a hat, beard and sack over his shoulder, entered the Sun Trust Bank branch located at 4809 Old Hickory Boulevard in Hermitage, just north of Lebanon Pike, and approached a teller.

According to witnesses, Santa was wearing sunglasses and the teller asked him to remove them.

The suspect refused, reached into his sack and pulled out a gun.

He demanded money and told tellers if they put dye bombs with the money he’d come back “kill everyone.”

He took the money and fled, telling employees and customers in the bank he needed the money because “Santa needed to pay his elves.”

According to witnesses, the suspect seemed both “jovial” and “clumsy.” Based on the fact that threatening to come back to “kill everyone” could hardly be construed as jovial, I’d assume the witnesses’ perspective of jovial is a bit warped by living in Tennessee, where lawyers bite off noses because they have to pee. I’d assume that an etiquette class in Tennessee involves ensuring that the salad fork is on the left and the butcher’s knife is furthest on the right so that it makes it easier to stab your host if dinner isn’t warm enough. Let it never be said that southern sophistication is lacking.

You can see the full video news story on the robbery here.

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