The 8 types of people you’ll find on Craigslist
Caitlin Thornton
Oh, Craig Newmark, what greatness you have unleashed upon the world with your infamous List. That glorious site you got going in the mid-90s—with a design that hasn’t been messed with since—is the go-to community forum for us e’ryday folk looking for gigs, free sh-t, and maybe even a cheap, uninfected sofa or mattress on an especially good day. Better than that: Craigslist has provided us with hours of entertainment as we read people’s always-mysterious posts. From our countless hours of observations, here are some characters we think partake in the Craigslist soap opera. We want to hear any contributions or great stories in the comments section because we’re sure you have them.
8 Any Computer-Literate Person Seeking Housing
Let’s begin with the most pertinent millennial question that pertains to every young-adult: Does anyone start looking for a place not using Craigslist? Realtors are for old people who pay uniformed laborers to clean their toilet and mow their lawn, so hey, why not pay some jerk to look for a place for you to call home? Those signs with the little tear-off numbers or Finder catalogues: So 1994. Click on Craigslist for an infinite number of potential places to live, accompanied with janky pictures and layman descriptions. Just be prepped to enter with caution and a list of possible excuses if scoping out a shared spot—especially if you responded to, “I’m looking for another freak to live with—NO PREPPY PEOPLE,” as one post read.
7 A–holes Who Can’t Take Care of Animals
Along with car parts, desks, and futons, there are many-a-people selling their pets on Craigslist. While this is good for someone who’s say, always wanted a stupid sugar glider but didn’t want to shell out $400 at the pet store, the depressing fact is that a lot of these dopes most likely bought that cute pet like they would buy a coffee table. When these new life-owners get home and realize, like-oh-my-god an animal requires food, the vet, and time, they sell their lil’ guy to another douche on Craigslist. Consider being that douche next time you want a pet. (We were court-ordered to do charity work, so this counts as an hour, by the way.) We also found posts for doggie tutus and doggie diapers, if you’re interested in adorning your new critter.
6 Semi-Desperate Job Seekers
Whether you’re unemployed, in a position you loathe, or a newcomer to your current city, rummaging through the Jobs or Gigs sections on Craigslist is a common activity, but it doesn’t come without that small, tingling sense of desperation every job seeker feels. Hey, we’ve all been there. The difference between Craigslist and other more reputable job-searching sites (see below for this reasoning): rifling through all the posts, wondering what’s legit and what’s not, cringing at spelling errors, typos, and abnormal statements meant for clarification such as “NOT A STRIPPER POSITION,” or, “Who WON’T be good for this job: PEOPLE WHO DON’T LIKE PEOPLE.” Not that desperate, thanks.
5 Potential Employers Who Don’t Want to Pay for More Legit Sites
Every section in Craigslist isn’t a free-for-all—the Jobs section will cost employers a whopping $25 to post wanted ads in most cities. To post in Gigs is free. Cheap fees compared to the hundreds of dollars, and usually some form of subscription service of the other job-searching sites. This inexpensive posting price causes a semi-sweet paradox in which the possibilities of jobs seem endless—but these posts may or may not include people looking for your semen or for you to pour drinks shirtless at their BYOB private swinger party (we didn’t make these up).
4 Lonely “Looking For (INSERT VAGUE STATEMENT)” Lovers
You see a sexy stranger on the subway. In the moment, you can’t bring yourself to say anything to them—you’d have to be pretty hammered to muster up that sort of courage. Instead, you think about this person all day (and how you wish you were drunk) and pour your heart out in a post in a Missed Connections on Craigslist. No matter how sweet you are, it always comes off as pathetic. And posters commonly recognize this, beginning many posts with, “I wouldn’t normally do something like this,” or “I feel like a loser resorting to this.” The rest of the post follows this format: “You were in a phone booth in Central Park (LOCATION). You were so sexy (COMPLIMENT YOU’D HAVE TO BE DRUNK TO SAY OUT LOUD). We met eyes (OVERANALYZATION OF WHAT PROBABLY HAPPENED). Tell me what I was holding (A REQUEST FOR A SPECIFICITY, AS THIS PERSON DOESN’T WANT TO RECEIVE SPAM FROM ESCORTS). I’d love to get to know you better (REQUEST FOR SEX AND/OR PARTNERSHIP).” Missed connections are always vague, with an unofficially calculated two percent success rate.
3 Kinky Nymphos
What’s the best way to tell your girlfriend what turns you on most is spitting all over her body and then having her “return the favor”? What about having her throw you in a cage and humiliate you by yelling demeaning obscenities while you mow down scraps from a dog bowl? Well, you’re in luck, fella… with Craigslist, you don’t have to say a damn thing! Merely post a request and voila! Plenty of willing phlegm-hawking or S&M participants are right at your fingertips. We’re guessing it won’t be your girlfriend, but then again she’d probably want to break up with you if she knew you were such a kinky freak. You might as well be anonymous and spare your dignity (sort of). These types are double- and triple- posters, causing us to question the success rate.
2 …Who are Probably More Craigslist Killers
Even though that crazy med-school guy from Boston influenced good ol’ Mr. Newmark to delete the “Exotic Services” section from his site, there are, no doubt, more American Psychos looking for “just a massage from a college co-ed” somewhere on Craigslist. Proceed with even more caution (and maybe an armed, obese bodyguard) than while house hunting if you’re looking for some easy cash in Adult Gigs. You never know how insane a person can be—until they take out their repressed rage on an innocent stranger.
1 Oh, and Prostitutes
Just like tanning salons and hair gel companies know they’ll get great business in Jersey, Craigslist is like a magnet for erotic providers. Posing for a threesome of a painting or blowing snot and then literally stepping on some middle-aged dude who has too much money to throw around would be an interesting way to pay the bills, we suppose. At least you’re not sitting in a cubicle. But be sure to take our man Craig’s forewarning that “safer sex… reduces the risk of contracting STDs,” advice to heart. As many posters are looking for a participant who is both “open minded” and “disease free,” not wrapping it could totally cut down on profits.
follow guyism:
Other Stories You Might LIke
7 times when it’s okay for a man to cry
9 things you need to stop sharing on Facebook
50 photos of people with bad tans
comment on this story
blog comments powered by Disqus